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Something's Rotten In Cyberspace

By Melinda L. Wentzel

Planet Mom

IN my humble opinion, search engines these days are pond scum. Okay, WORSE than pond scum, actually. I’m talking about that disgustingly slimy, stench-ridden muck that floats on the surface of the murkiest waters—but truly deserves to sink into oblivion. Know why? Because they’re driving some of the skankiest, low-life creatures on earth who own computers to MY blog in hopes that they might actually find the perverted and pathetically vile prose that they seek. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Not you, my dear friends. No no. It’s that sordid crowd of worthless vermin who have nothing better to do with their time at 3 a.m. than to fervently punch in words and phrases like “girls remove panties,” “bare naked,” “big boobs,” “hot mom,” “blow,” “suck” ad infin-belchum. It’s sickening. Revolting, actually. Not only because it makes me ill to wrap my mind around the shameful depth and degree of rankness that exists in this world, but also because some days, those rank individuals are the only ones who happen to be viewing my grand and glorious words. Sad but true, I know—especially since the fools stumbled there purely by accident.

Well, maybe the words I choose aren’t all that grand or even glorious when I think about it. And maybe they’re not altogether mine either. You can’t really own a word now, can you? But bunches of words, purposefully thrown together in a specific order—now that’s different. I own those. And I ought to—considering the fact that it takes me an eternity to string a coherent handful together. Even good bullshit takes time. And that’s precisely what the folks at Google and MSN and Yahoo, etc., etc. don’t get. It’s about the words. The blasted words, people! And about how the process of searching has little or nothing to do with the words—unless, of course, the idiots doing the searches knew enough to put those nasty little snippets of speech inside quotes—then maybe they’d be getting somewhere—besides my blog.

It absolutely cracks me up to think of how completely stunned they must be when they happen upon my discussions of dog poop, lunchboxes and fishbowl disasters involving eight-year-olds—instead of the lewdness they surely expect. Just for fun, I try to envision their sad, little faces with a look of “Damn, didn’t I spell p-a-n-t-i-e-s right?” or “What’s with the naked Barbie dolls? I don’t wanna see stinking Barbie dolls! What an e-ffing waste of time!”

Good. I hope I continue to waste your time, you demented little squirrels. And I hope I continue to piss you off when you don’t find what you’re looking for. If, by chance, you end up being mildly amused, however—that’s good, too.

Maybe there’s hope for you yet.

Planet Mom: It’s where I live. Visit me there at www.notesfromplanetmom.blogspot.com and at www.planetmom.typepad.com, too.

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Comment by Karen on June 14, 2009 at 2:36pm: Great post!!

Comment by Jan on June 3, 2009 at 8:23pm: There are some really sick individuals in this world! Maybe they might learn something by reading something decent.

Comment by Jennifer on June 3, 2009 at 7:56pm: Oh my gosh! Me too! I've talked about my affinity for 'granny' underwear, and the searches I've been getting have been: grannies in underwear, beautiful grannies, I love granny, and granny love...

Scary. ;-)

Comment by Sarah (Real Life) on June 3, 2009 at 7:54pm: Here here! I once got linked to from one of "those"sites because of their scraping the SERPs for those keywords. I literally was sick to my stomach!

Comment by Chrysa on June 3, 2009 at 7:47pm: Excellent post! Just knowing those pervs were on your blog can make you feel dirty!

Comment by morgan on June 3, 2009 at 7:37pm: I've had a couple like that too. I've tried to be very careful about the words I use on my blog, but even then sick people end up finding my page anyway.

Comment by JulieFernn on June 3, 2009 at 7:31pm: Oh, Lord! I thought I was the only one annoyed by these injustice!!

My blog is in spanish, the mere title makes thousands of pathetic bastards arrive looking for disgusting and disturbing things! "Mamá de Nenas" means "Girls' Mom" but in spanish "nenas" means "girls" and also it's used for "babes".

You have no idea the anger and impotence I feel when I read the things they googled!!! And deep inside I suspect many of those pathetic beens didn't arrived by mistake to my girls' blog. It makes me really sick.

Excellent post, I don´t feel so lonely anymore.

Comment by ConnieFoggles on June 3, 2009 at 7:24pm: Love it! On the other side of the coin, why can't people find what I'm actually writing about then? ;)