We have reached the point in the summer where mom has had enough! I expect most moms anticipate summer with longing. They get to spend more time with their sweet kids, the days are longer, the weather is warmer, we can play outside, we can go to the pool, we can camp, we can go on fun vacations.
At first, it was fun and I am still loving the warmer weather (winter stay away forever) but my household has disintegrated into utter chaos. Orion is newly 5 and will start kindergarten in August. He is my most challenging child by far. He was a high needs baby who needed his mama all the time and never slept. His intensity has continued on. I love him so and he is so fun and cute but he thrives in routine.
This summer I have 3 high school age kids and 2 of which who drive. In my head that meant I could pay them to watch Orion. He could sleep in, play with friends, the oldest two could drive him to the park, to the pool, to the zoo. He would be happy and having fun and my youngest teen would be happy because she was earning money.
The reality has been starkly different. The oldest 2 are working 32-40 hours each week. Staying up late and sleeping in. Mostly they have been unavailable to drive the 14 year old and 5 year old anywhere. The 14 year old has been uninterested in much besides her phone. She has taken to staying up very late and sleeping in which doesn't work well when you are babysitting your brother. She has kept him alive and usually fed but engaging activities aren't happening and often Orion has dissolved to tears because one of the 3 big kids has upset him. So much for summer fun!
Then we have my job... super flexible, I can make my own schedule except for a few set meetings and events during the week. I can even bring Orion to work with me occasion and can do a lot of my work from home. Working for a non-profit you don't make the big bucks, you do it because you love what you do and you are passionate about the mission. Both of my jobs at the church offered me more flexibility to balance work and home life than typical corporate jobs. Trying to squeeze my work hours in around the demands of 4 kids who are home all summer and still trying to manage my household isn't working out well. Working from home is okay but then I feel guilty that I am not in the office more. Bringing Orion to work with me hasn't worked out well. I should have learned by now. At my last job I brought him every Wednesday morning, which worked fine when he went to his class at church. As much as he should do fine with helping me clean, put stuff away, just play, he doesn't and bringing him to work with me is never a good idea and should only be used as a last resort.
I am feeling exhausted, fed up, and like life is just out of balance. I feel bad I can't provide Orion better routine and structure and that his behavior is suffering. When I am at work I feel guilty that the kids are at home and I am not spending time with them. When I am at home spending time with the kids I feel guilty that I haven't got more work done that week. Mom guilt, it's real!
Only 30 more days until school starts...send wine, send coffee, send cupcakes, and most importantly pray for me. I hope we all make it...