** My kids find dirt faster than a junkie finds smack.

** Movie popcorn always seems like a good idea at the time.

** A jackhammer at a Metallica concert would be quieter than some of the carpools I've driven.

** Canker sores and teeth are a HORRIBLE combination.

** The a-hole who's been trying to hack into…

** It honestly wouldn't surprise me if I pulled a piece of Easter grass out of my ass at this point since that crap seems to be EVERYWHERE!!!!

** If you're a complete and total bitch, you should probably think twice about being a customer service rep.  Just sayin'.

** Motherhood is totally interfering with my "Fifty Shades of Grey"…

** My ass is sure not a fan of sitting for six or more hours at a time.

** Grocery shopping on the eve of any given holiday is for masochists and crazy people.

** A giant cardboard box is the greatest toy you could give a kid.

** Comic books (ahem, "graphic novels") have completely consumed my husband.

** When…