** 'Tis the season to feel like a walking ATM.

** If you're a fan of torturing yourself, I highly recommend going to the mall two weekends before Christmas.…

** If my kids overflow one more toilet around here, they're getting an outhouse for Christmas.

** I could really use an…

** Next year, I really need some elves, dammit.

** My twins now have nicer phones than I do.  Thanks, Santa.

** Candlelight church services with kids make…

Some of you may remember this post from a few years ago, and some of you may be reading it for the first time.  Whatever the case, it was my own nucking futty spin on the classic tale of "The Night Before Christmas".  If your holidays are anything like mine, you'll appreciate the recounting of a Christmas Eve that's not exactly what you might call picture-perfect.…

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Remember the good old days when your kids would be perfectly happy with the giant cardboard box their gifts came in?  Give 'em some markers, and they were entertained for…

** It's not a road trip in our family unless it ends with a souvenir bag of puke.

** Thanksgiving without a nap is like Christmas without a Santa.

** You never…

** Santa needs to be A LOT more organized next year.

** I may never see my son again now that Wii U is hooked up in the basement.

** Goatdog REALLY likes to open presents.  Especially ones that don't belong to him.

** When it snows, everyone seems to have forgotten how to drive.

** Teepeeing the inside of your house…

You deserve a Mom's Timeout, grab a beverage, turn your phone off, and enjoy....click on the link below

 …

** All I want for Christmas is a personal chef.  And a bigger bank account to pay for the personal chef.

** Those inflatable lawn Santas look so sad and hungover during the daytime.

** A sick kid at home makes for an incredibly unproductive week.

** I've eaten so many damn holiday cookies that you should probably start calling me…

** My kids think Santa can make ANYTHING, which means that I am totally and completely SCREWED.

** "Customer" and "service" are two words that, sadly, don't belong together anymore.

** Static electricity is a very unfortunate side effect of Winter.

**…

Getting Out of Dodge City, Heading for L.A. on the Atchison, Topeka, and Santa Fe is a short novel that reads like a memoir and that will appeal to those interested in black American history and the dynamics of poor black American families from the early 1800s to the 1960s.

The story begins in 1821 with our narrator talking about the origins of the Atchinson,…

** My son likes to make his penis talk.  (Don't ask.)

** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.

** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.

** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.

** You can never ever hug your kids too much.

** When life hands you…

Remember that story a few weeks ago when we lost the mother fucking Elf on the Shelf, and I was all panicked that it might be the last Christmas for believing in Santa in my household?  Well, it saddens me beyond words, but I'm pretty sure the jig is up (at…

** These people are driving me nuts. And by people, I mean my family.

** Holiday shoppers are complete assholes.

** My to-do list is evidently not gonna write itself.

** It's also not going to do itself either.

** Cleaning is clearly a complete waste of my time.

** There's something pretty freaking…

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our pad,

Every creature was stirring, being exceptionally bad.

The stockings were hung too close to the floor,

And Goatdog was eating each one that he tore.

The twins were bouncing off the walls in their…

** The next time my kids PROMISE me they'll stay in bed if I read just one more itty bitty chapter, I'll know they're totally full of shit.

** Screw Santa -- MOMS are the ones who need elves!!!!

** No matter how many times I return it to the basement, an Australian boomerang keeps reappearing on my kitchen…

Recently my family and I ate at a small corner restaurant and bar entirely covered in Christmas decor.  I found out about this little "Griswald delight" in an article from our local paper.  It immediately piqued my curiosity and I wanted to see for myself this creation of a collector whose accumilation started at the age of 4.  This labor of love begins after Halloween and stays up close to Valentine's Day. The article shared that the owner was 4 years old when his parents got divorced and…

** Skid marks can suck it.

** If you can drive five REALLY loud eight-year-old girls without wrecking the car, you can do just about anything.

** I think I'm gonna make it easier on myself and just give everyone access to my bank account this Christmas.

** Stupidity is what makes the world go round (or at least it seems…

I love my children. They are absolutely unbreakable and strong in spirit and it is SO inspiring. Today my 8 and 9 yr old found out from the other kids in school (and a teacher!) that Santa Claus isn't real. Totally heartbreaking, because I was determined to let them ride that train for a very long time. But with confirmation from a teacher, they weren't buying anything I was trying to sell them. My youngest had fallen asleep already, so luckily his dreams were still intact. So finally, we…