Jennifer Marshall's Blog Posts Tagged 'Santa' (14)

Things I've Learned This Week

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** Next year, I really need some elves, dammit.

** My twins now have nicer phones than I do.  Thanks, Santa.

** Candlelight church services with kids make…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 27, 2013 at 12:21pm — No Comments

'Twas the Nucking Futty Night Before Christmas

Some of you may remember this post from a few years ago, and some of you may be reading it for the first time.  Whatever the case, it was my own nucking futty spin on the classic tale of "The Night Before Christmas".  If your holidays are anything like mine, you'll appreciate the recounting of a Christmas Eve that's not exactly what you might call picture-perfect.…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 24, 2013 at 11:16am — No Comments

'Tis the Season for Gazillion Dollar Wish Lists

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Remember the good old days when your kids would be perfectly happy with the giant cardboard box their gifts came in?  Give 'em some markers, and they were entertained for…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 5, 2013 at 6:00pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

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** It's not a road trip in our family unless it ends with a souvenir bag of puke.

** Thanksgiving without a nap is like Christmas without a Santa.

** You never…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 29, 2013 at 11:33am — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** Santa needs to be A LOT more organized next year.

** I may never see my son again now that Wii U is hooked up in the basement.

** Goatdog REALLY likes to open presents.  Especially ones that don't belong to him.

** When it snows, everyone seems to have forgotten how to drive.

** Teepeeing the inside of your house…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 28, 2012 at 5:39pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** All I want for Christmas is a personal chef.  And a bigger bank account to pay for the personal chef.

** Those inflatable lawn Santas look so sad and hungover during the daytime.

** A sick kid at home makes for an incredibly unproductive week.

** I've eaten so many damn holiday cookies that you should probably start calling me…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 15, 2012 at 4:00pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** My kids think Santa can make ANYTHING, which means that I am totally and completely SCREWED.

** "Customer" and "service" are two words that, sadly, don't belong together anymore.

** Static electricity is a very unfortunate side effect of Winter.

**…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 16, 2012 at 4:55pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Year (A Recap of the Best of 2011)

** My son likes to make his penis talk.  (Don't ask.)

** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.

** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.

** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.

** You can never ever hug your kids too much.

** When life hands you…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 31, 2011 at 1:07pm — No Comments

Is the Jig REALLY Up?

Remember that story a few weeks ago when we lost the mother fucking Elf on the Shelf, and I was all panicked that it might be the last Christmas for believing in Santa in my household?  Well, it saddens me beyond words, but I'm pretty sure the jig is up (at…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 29, 2011 at 12:13pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** These people are driving me nuts. And by people, I mean my family.

** Holiday shoppers are complete assholes.

** My to-do list is evidently not gonna write itself.

** It's also not going to do itself either.

** Cleaning is clearly a complete waste of my time.

** There's something pretty freaking…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 23, 2011 at 1:24pm — No Comments

'Twas the Nucking Futty Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our pad,

Every creature was stirring, being exceptionally bad.

The stockings were hung too close to the floor,

And Goatdog was eating each one that he tore.

The twins were bouncing off the walls in their…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 22, 2011 at 5:22pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** The next time my kids PROMISE me they'll stay in bed if I read just one more itty bitty chapter, I'll know they're totally full of shit.

** Screw Santa -- MOMS are the ones who need elves!!!!

** No matter how many times I return it to the basement, an Australian boomerang keeps reappearing on my kitchen…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 16, 2011 at 10:22am — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** Skid marks can suck it.

** If you can drive five REALLY loud eight-year-old girls without wrecking the car, you can do just about anything.

** I think I'm gonna make it easier on myself and just give everyone access to my bank account this Christmas.

** Stupidity is what makes the world go round (or at least it seems…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 9, 2011 at 11:19am — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

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** There's no calling in sick when you're a mom.

 

** Antibiotics and my stomach are soooooo not BFF's.

 

** Kids are ten times louder when you tell them you have a headache.

 

** The dirty clothes…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 4, 2011 at 10:40am — No Comments

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