Cue the red carpet, marching band, and fireworks, y'all, cause today is my birthday! Yippee! But let's be real here, people -- I'm a mom, and we all know what that means. I'll be schlepping screaming kids from Point A to Point B, scrubbing skid marks out of little undies, and turning to my friend Google to help…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 16, 2014 at 10:32am — No Comments
** I wish my brain shut off as easily when I try to go to sleep as it does when I try to help my kids with their homework.
** Exhaustion is just NOT a good look on me.…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 21, 2014 at 9:59am — No Comments
With life constantly throwing reminders at me that my kids are, in fact, growing up (cell phones, sleepovers, bike riding to school -- EEK!), I often get swept up in the everyday craziness of just trying to keep up with it all. Half the time they don't want to talk to me, let alone listen to me, and,…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 19, 2013 at 11:05am — No Comments
When I'm driving around a carpool of screaming ten-year-old girls, it's sometimes hard not to wanna drive the car straight into Lake Michigan. Seriously, these girls are capable of some severe damage to one's hearing (not to mention one's sanity). However, one of the benefits of driving them around is that I get to…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 7, 2013 at 5:08pm — No Comments
** I have approximately 0% of my time to dedicate to writing anymore.
** When someone says, "You look tired", what they're really saying is, "You look like shit."…Continue
** I guess I accidentally skipped a week of keeping track of what I've learned. Oopsy.
** The beach is truly my happy place.
** Soap operas really are unnecessary…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 12, 2013 at 4:54pm — No Comments
** Hormones can bite me.
** The world needs a lot less know-it-all's and a lot more chill pills.
** Sometimes it's just easier to pretend like my…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 28, 2013 at 9:20pm — No Comments
** Cramps and mammograms are just two of the many perks (*ahem*) of being a woman.
** I'd rather be a wrinkled mess than pull out an iron.
** Kids and husbands have very selective hearing.
** Getting in bed early to read a book didn't kill me after all.
** Paying your offspring to do things you don't wanna…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 10, 2013 at 2:30pm — No Comments
** 'Tis the season to be an asshole. Apparently.
** I am not the Energizer Bunny.
** The Elf on the Shelf might very well be my nemesis.
** Anything that's lost is very likely at the bottom of my son's backpack.
** I should really write a country song cause I've got the homework blues.
** Leaving your…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 8, 2012 at 2:04pm — No Comments
** My kids find dirt faster than a junkie finds smack.
** Movie popcorn always seems like a good idea at the time.
** A jackhammer at a Metallica concert would be quieter than some of the carpools I've driven.
** Canker sores and teeth are a HORRIBLE combination.
** The a-hole who's been trying to hack into…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 13, 2012 at 7:42pm — No Comments
** Just so we're clear, I will still drink the wine if a fruit fly lands in my glass.
** The end of the school year is when all the crap that's been shoved into a tiny desk for nine months suddenly makes its way into your kitchen (or your trash).
** My son thinks I grew up in the early 1900's. Awesome.
** When you don't have…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 8, 2012 at 10:58am — No Comments
** My son likes to make his penis talk. (Don't ask.)
** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.
** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.
** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.
** You can never ever hug your kids too much.
** When life hands you…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 31, 2011 at 1:07pm — No Comments
** Skid marks can suck it.
** If you can drive five REALLY loud eight-year-old girls without wrecking the car, you can do just about anything.
** I think I'm gonna make it easier on myself and just give everyone access to my bank account this Christmas.
** Stupidity is what makes the world go round (or at least it seems…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 9, 2011 at 11:19am — No Comments
** Recovery time from the weekend is much much longer than it used to be.
** I should just hand out money to trick-or-treaters as much as candy costs these days.
** School pick up in the rain is about as much fun as filing your nails with a chain saw.
** It's impossible to get the smell of dead snail off your hands. Don't ask…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 21, 2011 at 10:13am — No Comments
I don't know about you, but sometimes, I can't help but laugh my buns off when my kids are throwing an all-out fit. They just look so incredibly ridiculous to me as they're wailing and screaming and flailing themselves about the floor. In fact, I've even videotaped one of my daughter's tantrums to show her just what an asshole looks like in action. Of course, she doesn't find it…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 29, 2011 at 10:06am — No Comments
** Someone should come up with a Beano for brain farts.
** Motherhood is no place for migraines.
** Our water bill's gonna be $10,000 this month, thanks to my son's obsession with the hose.
** Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, is louder than the volume of a carpool of short people.
** Digging for your keys…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 12, 2011 at 8:53am — No Comments