** I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to myself. *itch* *scratch* *sniff*
** Erectile dysfunction commercials make me really…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 13, 2013 at 1:13pm — No Comments
** Apparently, hormones, cramps, and child birth weren't enough, so we have night sweats to add to all the fun.
** Goatdog likes Mammaw so much that he wants to eat her.…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 6, 2013 at 6:03pm — No Comments
** I don't know where I am or what I'm supposed to be doing.
** Insomnia wants to be my BFF.
** My kids have mentally checked out for the summer, which will make the…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 31, 2013 at 3:07pm — No Comments
** Living next door to construction is like having an earthquake as your neighbor.
** I don't know who's more excited when there's no homework -- the kids or me.
** Danica Patrick "pole position" jokes are plentiful when my husband's around.
** I'm not sure whether to feel flattered or offended that everybody seems to…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 22, 2013 at 10:21am — No Comments
** 'Tis the season to be an asshole. Apparently.
** I am not the Energizer Bunny.
** The Elf on the Shelf might very well be my nemesis.
** Anything that's lost is very likely at the bottom of my son's backpack.
** I should really write a country song cause I've got the homework blues.
** Leaving your…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 8, 2012 at 2:04pm — No Comments
** The SNL "Schweddy Balls" skit just never ever gets old.
** I'm still not a fan of LED Christmas lights.
** Candy Cane Chapstick is the bomb dot com. For real.
** The endless barrage of holiday catalogs being crammed into my mailbox has once again…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 30, 2012 at 11:11am — No Comments
I don't know how it is in your household, but in mine, there's a WORLD of difference between when I get sick and when my husband gets sick. We're talking night and day contrast, people. You see, he turns into a 39 year-old baby when he's under the weather, whereas I must continue with life as normal, sniffles and aches, be damned!
It was just last week when my other…Continue
** The silverware thief is at it again.
** It's hard to have an adult conversation when you see your kid making armpit farts out of the corner of your eye.
** Crying over spilled milk is totally justified when it's a mere millimeter from your laptop.
** If burping is the sign of a good meal, then snoring is surely the sign of a good…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 7, 2012 at 6:30pm — No Comments
** As predicted, back-to-school has totally kicked my ass up and down and all around.
** Always trust your gut. Unless it's telling you to eat a dozen donuts.
** My daughter's wreck of a room looks like a junk store had the stomach flu.
** Goatdog is evidently a HUGE fan of the food in the pantry.
** If I had…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 5, 2012 at 12:20pm — No Comments
** The self-checkout lanes at the grocery store are no place for morons.
** Wednesday evening was evidently "Be An Asshole" night at my house. (I didn't get the memo.)
** It's impossible NOT to smile when you see a dog hanging out a car window, beard blowing in the breeze.
** My son claims to "love being…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 18, 2012 at 11:39am — No Comments
** I like electricity.
** Mondays are like a zit on your chin that won't go away.
** Politics are so freaking political.
** My kids could be drawing on their walls with Sharpies at bedtime, but as long as they stay in their rooms, I really wouldn't care.
** Nothing makes you prouder than your son yelling from the…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 11, 2012 at 11:50am — No Comments
If you follow me on Twitter, you've probably been subjected to my bitching about third grade math from time to time. Call me crazy, but I'm just not a big fan of assignments that make make me feel dumber than my nine-year-old children. Cause right now, my kids think I know everything, and this math crap is totally starting to blow my cover!!!
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 9, 2012 at 11:09am — No Comments
** Bloating and cramping are God's way of saying, "Sucks to be you!!!"
** Giselle Bundchen needs to be introduced to the wonderful world of duct tape.
** A rotten bag of mushrooms makes your…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 10, 2012 at 10:51am — No Comments
** An Eskimo is something I could never ever be.
** You know it's cold when the geese are saying "Let's get the HELL outta here!!!!" as they fly overhead.
** I need a restraining order for the insomnia that continues to stalk me.
** Trying to get a third grader to work on a research project is about as easy as trying to get a mime…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 20, 2012 at 10:17am — No Comments
** If a day ever went by where a kid HADN'T peed on a toilet seat here, I'd swear I was in the wrong house.
** I seriously could not be more unorganized.
** Everybody needs a mental health day. (Still waiting impatiently to cash in on mine....)
** Homework supervision is totally interfering with my tweeting and…Continue
** My son likes to make his penis talk. (Don't ask.)
** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.
** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.
** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.
** You can never ever hug your kids too much.
** When life hands you…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 31, 2011 at 1:07pm — No Comments
** Duct tape and dead bolts need to become part of our nightly bedtime routine.
** Jerry Sandusky makes even the devil himself look like a saint.
** My kids evidently think the floor is a coat rack.
** That annoying…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 18, 2011 at 1:12pm — No Comments
** Recovery time from the weekend is much much longer than it used to be.
** I should just hand out money to trick-or-treaters as much as candy costs these days.
** School pick up in the rain is about as much fun as filing your nails with a chain saw.
** It's impossible to get the smell of dead snail off your hands. Don't ask…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 21, 2011 at 10:13am — No Comments
** I don't fit into an elementary school desk quite like I did back in the day.
** "Pocket Frogs" for the iPhone has totally possessed my kids.
** Dark chocolate has totally possessed me.
** Charlie Sheen finally…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 16, 2011 at 11:04am — No Comments
** Nobody ever forewarns you about all the skid marks of motherhood (and I do mean that LITERALLY).
** My kids have more energy than Richard Simmons on cocaine.
** Screaming is evidently my son's new favorite hobby.
** I sure know how to waste a crapload of time.
** Sleeping with the window open totally…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 9, 2011 at 11:03am — No Comments