** Whoever sent the Polar Vortex an invitation to return is in need of a good ass kicking.
** If I wanted to live in Antarctica, I would've moved to Antarctica.…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 31, 2014 at 1:38pm — No Comments
** Supervising a chain gang would be more enjoyable than supervising homework.
** The world needs a whole lot more Tina Fey & Amy Poehler.
** I may or may not know something about the lack of Kit Kat's in our Halloween candy stash.
** Costumes should really be a part of every day.
In my house, the poop and the fan need no introduction. They are quite familiar with each other, especially when my husband is out of town. Because that's precisely the time that things tend to go very wrong. And usually, it's right at bedtime -- you know, when I've had just about all the fun I can take for one…Continue
** The reinforcements are apparently not showing up any time soon.
** If I had a dollar for every time I've answered the "Why do I HAVE to take a shower?"…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 16, 2013 at 4:09pm — No Comments
** It's gotta be a scientific fact that kids are 10 times crazier in the summer.
** Kicking your own ass is harder than having someone else kick it for you.
** I'm not above napping in public.
** Someone needs to punch me the next time I decide that 4 weeks without summer camp is a good idea.
** Since we didn't win…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 9, 2013 at 10:21am — No Comments
** The longer you watch t.v. at night, the stupider the commercials get.
** North Korea needs a giant chill pill.
** I seriously hate…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 12, 2013 at 2:35pm — No Comments
** Family trips are flat-out EXHAUSTING.
** It takes 11 years to unpack 11 days worth of luggage.
** Reality's a bitch, especially when it sucker punches…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 5, 2013 at 1:00pm — No Comments
** Shamrock Shakes are 600+ calories of awesomeness.
** "Quiet" is most definitely NOT a word I'd use to describe my house.
** My son has apparently given up sleep for Lent. Lucky me.
** Sometimes when people say they don't need help, it's cause they're too overwhelmed to see that they do.
** Kids' ear…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on March 23, 2013 at 10:26am — No Comments
** 'Tis the season to be an asshole. Apparently.
** I am not the Energizer Bunny.
** The Elf on the Shelf might very well be my nemesis.
** Anything that's lost is very likely at the bottom of my son's backpack.
** I should really write a country song cause I've got the homework blues.
** Leaving your…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 8, 2012 at 2:04pm — No Comments
** The world would be a lot happier if everyone ate Thanksgiving dinner in their pajamas.
** Chuck E. Cheese is totally a rat, not a mouse -- am I right or am I right?
** That stupid Taylor Swift song is never ever ever gonna get out of my damn head.
** "Benign" is truly a magical word.
** A successful…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 23, 2012 at 1:11pm — No Comments
I don't know how it is in your household, but in mine, there's a WORLD of difference between when I get sick and when my husband gets sick. We're talking night and day contrast, people. You see, he turns into a 39 year-old baby when he's under the weather, whereas I must continue with life as normal, sniffles and aches, be damned!
It was just last week when my other…Continue
I swear my husband gets his jollies by trying to embarrass the crap out of me. He's always enjoyed putting the car windows down and driving around our neighborhood with the radio blaring full blast. And believe me, I've seen many an eye roll from our fellow neighbors whenever we go thumping by. It makes me wanna slump down in the seat and pretend like I'm not really there, even…Continue
** I'm the only one here that seems to know that the floor is not a trash can.
** Shrinky Dinks may be the dumbest art project ever invented.
** I really don't need to know WHY there's a streak of poo on the side of the toilet.
** "Make Your Own Pizza Night" is really just my way of saying, "Fix Your Own Damn…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 27, 2012 at 6:21pm — No Comments
** Just so we're clear, I will still drink the wine if a fruit fly lands in my glass.
** The end of the school year is when all the crap that's been shoved into a tiny desk for nine months suddenly makes its way into your kitchen (or your trash).
** My son thinks I grew up in the early 1900's. Awesome.
** When you don't have…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 8, 2012 at 10:58am — No Comments
You'd think past experience would've taught me not to trust my husband to cut my son's hair. However, I must've had a momentary lapse in judgment over the weekend, for I allowed him to get the old clippers out once again. Call me kooky, but I guess I figured it couldn't be THAT hard to screw up a buzz cut, could it? (Ok, stop giggling,…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on March 13, 2012 at 2:59pm — No Comments
** If I ever turn up missing, a vineyard in Sonoma is most likely where you'll find me.
** My daughter thinks I was born in 1818. Seriously, she asked if that was my birth year. WTF?!
** Entirely too many people think they have the right of way.
** Elementary School Open House could also be referred to as Nuts on a Stick. …Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 24, 2012 at 8:09pm — No Comments
** My son likes to make his penis talk. (Don't ask.)
** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.
** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.
** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.
** You can never ever hug your kids too much.
** When life hands you…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 31, 2011 at 1:07pm — No Comments
The other day I sent out a tweet that could quite possibly be misconstrued as naughty by nature -- I said something to the effect of "My husband's Jolly Juice is a-flowing". Now many of you may have thought that this was some sort of sexual reference (cause let's be honest, usually it is), but surprisingly, this time, it was actually a very innocent comment referring to a new cocktail recipe that I found recently and somehow persuaded my husband to whip up for our friends and…Continue
Unlike the back-assward days of the 1950s, I, for one, do not always believe that Father knows best. However, as much as it might pain me, I've gotta give credit where credit is due. And sometimes, every once in a blue moon, my husband actually comes up with a semi-brilliant parenting strategy.
Like many households, getting our kids ready for bed at night…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 11, 2011 at 9:49am — No Comments