** Projectile t.v. = yes!  Projectile vomit = not so much.

** I'd pretty much give my left arm for a nap.…

** The clothes get a whole lot cleaner when you actually push the START button on the washing machine.

** If I had a dollar for every time my house is quiet, I still wouldn't have any money in my wallet.

** Sometimes being responsible is such a pain in my irresponsible ass.

** Adult-sized bodies do NOT fit in…

** I often wonder whether I live in a house with two kids or a house with two pigs.

** Driving past a lemonade stand without stopping makes me feel guilty.

** I may or may not be a sucker.

** Gravity can kiss my ass (especially since it's responsible for knocking it down in the first place).

** Parenting without a…

** Apparently, it's ALWAYS my fault.

** Bollywood dancing is actually pretty darn fun.

** Dogs apparently CAN eat a whole bunch of chocolate and not die.

** Turns out that I am not Super Woman.

**…

** If I ever turn up missing, a vineyard in Sonoma is most likely where you'll find me.

** My daughter thinks I was born in 1818.  Seriously, she asked if that was my birth year.  WTF?!

** Entirely too many people think they have the right of way.

** Elementary School Open House could also be referred to as Nuts on a Stick. …

** My son likes to make his penis talk.  (Don't ask.)

** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.

** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.

** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.

** You can never ever hug your kids too much.

** When life hands you…

I don't know about you, but sometimes, I can't help but laugh my buns off when my kids are throwing an all-out fit.  They just look so incredibly ridiculous to me as they're wailing and screaming and flailing themselves about the floor.  In fact, I've even videotaped one of my daughter's tantrums to show her just what an asshole looks like in action.  Of course, she doesn't find it…