** It really helps to have your eyes open while trying to drive.

** Sparklers just make everyone happy.

** My kids were no doubt fish in a former life.

** Laughing really hard with friends is a WAY better ab workout than doing boring old sit-ups by yourself.

** Bras and underwear should be outlawed in these…

** Octomom doing porn is the same as an old man doing naked jumping jacks — NOBODYwants to see that shit!!!!!

** Hearing your kids tell you that you’re beautiful is one of the greatest perks of parenting.

** Morgan Freeman…

Do you ever wanna just walk away from your kids in public and act like you don't know who the hell they are?  No?  Surely that's not just me.  Call me Mommy Dearest if you will, but when my kids have a brain fart and act like complete Neanderthals who've never heard of manners, I sometimes think it would be easier to point and stare and pretend like I'm disgusted by the horrible excuse…

** We actually made it to the beginning of the school year without my kids stabbing each other!!

** New backpacks make everything more exciting.

** My son can evidently make his leg fart.  (I'm so proud.)

** I can't even watch the previews for scary movies anymore.

** I'm raising the king and queen of…