** The revolving door of kids, dirt, and craziness must mean it's FINALLY Summer.

** Moms should get a cut of all lemonade stand profits.

** And somebody totally…

** I don't know where I am or what I'm supposed to be doing.

** Insomnia wants to be my BFF.

** My kids have mentally checked out for the summer, which will make the…

** Mother's Day should really be Mother's Weekend.

** My brain is on MAJOR end-of-the-school-year overload.

** Warm weather just makes ya wanna eat ice…

** Judging from Beyonce, Manti T'eo, and Lance Armstrong, fake things apparently happen in threes.

** The media sure knows how to beat a news story to death.

** My ass is eternally grateful for the genius who invented seat heaters.

** Women supposedly look their ugliest at 3:30 PM on Wednesdays.

** The people who…

** Projectile t.v. = yes!  Projectile vomit = not so much.

** I'd pretty much give my left arm for a nap.…

** I often wonder whether I live in a house with two kids or a house with two pigs.

** Driving past a lemonade stand without stopping makes me feel guilty.

** I may or may not be a sucker.

** Gravity can kiss my ass (especially since it's responsible for knocking it down in the first place).

** Parenting without a…

** Summer really needs a speeding ticket.

** Inspirational quotes do nothing but piss me off when I'm in a crabby mood.

** The Olympics have evidently convinced my kids that there's a vault in our second floor hallway.  (And I assure you there is not.)

** My brain has a serious case of the farts lately.

** The top of…

When I put my husband in charge of getting the kids somewhere, I can generally expect for at least a handful of important things to be completely forgotten.  Try as he might, he just doesn't run through any sort of mental checklist before he races out the door.  In fact, he's done this ever since the twins were little tiny babies, often leaving the house without so much as a…

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I am more than grateful for the genius who came up with the idea for summer camp.  Cause if my kids didn't have somewhere to go each and every day?  They would surely have killed each other by now.  However, as much as I like the idea…

So I got that old familiar pit in the bottom of my motherly stomach again yesterday.  It happened when I dropped my son off for his first day of Sports Camp.  Yes, it's that same ol' dreaded feeling I seem to get whenever I leave my timid little guy in a strange new environment.  You see, unlike his mama, he's quite the shy type, and it takes every bit of my willpower not to play the…

** A successful night is when the Tooth Fairy remembers to do her duty AND even has change for a twenty!  Holla!

** Nine year olds evidently need to be reminded not to stick jelly beans up their noses.

** It's amazing how a closed bathroom door means nothing to my kids until they're the ones behind it.

** I like road trips…

** Just so we're clear, I will still drink the wine if a fruit fly lands in my glass.

** The end of the school year is when all the crap that's been shoved into a tiny desk for nine months suddenly makes its way into your kitchen (or your trash).

** My son thinks I grew up in the early 1900's.  Awesome.

** When you don't have…

** If I had a dollar for every item on my to-do list, I could pay someone to do all the items on my to-do list.

** I'd like to punch my 40-year-old hormones in the face.

** Bringing a bag of Starburst into this house is like tossing a chicken into a lion's den.

** The penis enlargement emails I keep getting are totally helpful for…

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** A healthy household makes for a happy mama.

** My kids are HUGE fans of "skip the shower" nights.

** If my purse contained as much money as it does crap, I would be a very rich lady.

** Asparagus = awesome.  Asparagus pee…

** Kids pick the most awesomely inopportune times to take a dump.

** Summer = an impromptu game of kick-the-can on a random Monday night.

** Goatdog is about to become a street dog.

** I wouldn't do well in that Little House on the Prairie.

** If Tuesday and Wednesday had a Facebook page, I would NOT…

** Naked is evidently the way to go this summer.

** As much as I love my husband, I really don't think I'd tackle someone trying to throw a pie in his face.

** Chopsticks actually help get my kids to eat their veggies.

** My son thinks I'm a car and driver expert.

** I am NOT a car and driver…

Dear Liquor Store,

Perhaps you may have heard some rumblings about the impending summer vacation that's about to pounce on the town here any day now. Yes, kids will soon be out terrorizing the streets and pimping lemonade hardcore on every effing corner. They will be changing their clothes 357 times a day, thereby creating even more…

So if you're anything like me, you're trying your damnedest to find something for your kids to do so that they don't kill each other over summer vacation.  And that "something" would preferably be an activity that keeps 'em occupied for a long stretch of time, perhaps even long enough for Mama to have a well-deserved glass of wine and maybe even *gasp* take a pee in…