** If I held my breath for a big Valentine's Day surprise, I'd surely end up dead.
** A pre-shower naked dance is evidently becoming a nightly ritual around here.…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 14, 2014 at 10:16am —
Some of you may remember this post from a few years ago, and some of you may be reading it for the first time. Whatever the case, it was my own nucking futty spin on the classic tale of "The Night Before Christmas". If your holidays are anything like mine, you'll appreciate the recounting of a Christmas Eve that's not exactly what you might call picture-perfect.…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 24, 2013 at 11:16am —
** The mayor of Toronto is a walking Saturday Night Live skit.
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 22, 2013 at 5:33pm —
** It takes me three WEEKS to recover from three NIGHTS of going out.
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 18, 2013 at 10:52am —
** When people say, "Good morning!", I'm not quite sure how they assume that it's good.
** The government REALLY needs to get over its giant temper tantrum.…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 4, 2013 at 9:55pm —
** I could open a wig shop with all the hair in the drain.
** The cooler weather's giving me that "Holy-Crap-My-Twins-Have-No-Pants-That-Fit-Them" feeling.…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 20, 2013 at 10:22am —
** I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to myself. *itch* *scratch* *sniff*
** Erectile dysfunction commercials make me really… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 13, 2013 at 1:13pm —
** Cramps and mammograms are just two of the many perks (*ahem*) of being a woman.
** I'd rather be a wrinkled mess than pull out an iron.
** Kids and husbands have very selective hearing.
** Getting in bed early to read a book didn't kill me after all.
** Paying your offspring to do things you don't wanna… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 10, 2013 at 2:30pm —
** Spilled wine is WAY worse than spilled milk.
** The DMV is truly a vast sea of weirdness.
** Turning 29 again wasn't so bad after… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 19, 2013 at 2:31pm —
** Living next door to construction is like having an earthquake as your neighbor.
** I don't know who's more excited when there's no homework -- the kids or me.
** Danica Patrick "pole position" jokes are plentiful when my husband's around.
** I'm not sure whether to feel flattered or offended that everybody seems to… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 22, 2013 at 10:21am —
** Santa needs to be A LOT more organized next year.
** I may never see my son again now that Wii U is hooked up in the basement.
** Goatdog REALLY likes to open presents. Especially ones that don't belong to him.
** When it snows, everyone seems to have forgotten how to drive.
** Teepeeing the inside of your house… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 28, 2012 at 5:39pm —
When it comes to smashed grapes, I tend to be more of a white wine lover. But every now and then, I do love to sip some red. However, this past weekend proved to me why I should probably save it for very special occasions (like when the floor is lined with plastic).
So it was a chilly Friday evening, and my hubby and I decided to open up a…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 5, 2012 at 11:02am —
** I really need to fertilize my money tree cause damn, life is expensive right now.
** My kids purposely slow down to a turtle-like pace whenever I tell them to hurry up.
** When people say, "It can't get worse than this", it almost ALWAYS does.
** Listening to crap drip out of your kitchen ceiling is not a… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 17, 2012 at 11:00am —
** I am a chocolate chip cookie whore.
** Sinus headaches and motherhood go together about as well as flannel pajamas go with humidity.
** Meal plans that don't include chocolate or wine are clearly not the plans for me.
** Finding a store that still sells Excedrin Migraine is like finding the pot of gold at the end of a… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 20, 2012 at 6:14pm —
** Girls and drama go together like humidity and swass.
** Try as I may, I just don't have the moves like Jagger.
** It's best to look at the toilet seat before sitting down, at least in my house anyway.
** Clearly, my kids wait till I've just changed their sheets to pee the bed.
** Drinking cheap wine after having… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 29, 2012 at 2:05pm —
** Just so we're clear, I will still drink the wine if a fruit fly lands in my glass.
** The end of the school year is when all the crap that's been shoved into a tiny desk for nine months suddenly makes its way into your kitchen (or your trash).
** My son thinks I grew up in the early 1900's. Awesome.
** When you don't have… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 8, 2012 at 10:58am —
** It honestly wouldn't surprise me if I pulled a piece of Easter grass out of my ass at this point since that crap seems to be EVERYWHERE!!!!
** If you're a complete and total bitch, you should probably think twice about being a customer service rep. Just sayin'.
** Motherhood is totally interfering with my "Fifty Shades of Grey"… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 13, 2012 at 11:36am —
** Sometimes turds just don't want to be flushed.
** I really really heart selling jewelry.
** It's a terribly bad idea to enter a bakery when you're starving.
** Trying to brush my daughter's hair in the morning is like trying to lasso a… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 6, 2012 at 10:46pm —
** My son likes to make his penis talk. (Don't ask.)
** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.
** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.
** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.
** You can never ever hug your kids too much.
** When life hands you… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 31, 2011 at 1:07pm —
** Every time I try to be the early bird, my kids have already beaten me to the damn worm.
** The apple doesn't fall far from the tree since my son evidently also writes "notes to self".
** I'm a little obsessed with Thymes Frasier Fir line for the holidays.
**After living with a… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 2, 2011 at 2:22pm —