Courtenay Harris Bond's Blog – August 2012 Archive (22)

Flotsam and Jetsam

Once we became parents, my husband and I noticed that our relationship to pools had changed. This summer, we’ve had a total of three hours of poolside relaxation on a weekend getaway (not without its own hiccups, of course. See “Livin’ the Dream.”)…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 29, 2012 at 1:00pm — No Comments

Riders on the Storm

We started our Monday with a 7:30 a.m. visit from a roofer who gave us another guesstimate on how much it would cost to repair the leak in our family room. Unfortunately, he agreed with the previous guy that it would be somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,500. This fellow was very polite, though. He kept asking if he had come too early. Clearly, he doesn’t have kids.

 

When the roofer left, I thought I might run…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 27, 2012 at 8:09pm — No Comments

Bare. Naked. Ladies.

At one point in my former newspaper career, I had to pull the “graveyard shift”: Saturday obit duty. This entailed not only writing about dead people, but also answering general calls to the newsroom. I remember one time, in particular, when an elderly gentleman phoned to complain that we were advertising “Barenaked Ladies.” I had to explain, patiently, that the paper was not touting the latest New Jersey strip club but instead a popular band by the same name.
I must say that I…
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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 26, 2012 at 5:02pm — No Comments

It's a Thin Line...

I recently felt the highly original urge to compile a list of things I love and hate. Of course, it goes without saying that I love my children and hate human trafficking. I love my husband and hate Todd Akin.
But those things are obvious and not very interesting. (Nor may be the following list that I am nonetheless sharing with you.) What I am aiming for, here, are the subtleties of day-to-day life that annoy and invigorate us all. Please…
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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 24, 2012 at 1:52pm — No Comments

An Anthropological Examination of the 2-Year-Old Mind

As a follow-up to my previous post, “Stop Bitching,” I thought I would perform an ethnographic study of a full day’s worth of my 2-year-old’s demands. I found this process to be so enlightening that I have decided to share the transcript with you.

I have not included any general statements my 2-year-old made or any questions she asked. Nor am I recounting anything that my other two children asked, said or demanded during the course of the day.

What follows is simply a complete…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 23, 2012 at 5:42pm — No Comments

An Anthropological Examination of the 2-Year-Old Mind

As a follow-up to my previous post, “Stop Bitching,” I thought I would perform an ethnographic study of a full day’s worth of my 2-year-old’s demands. I found this process to be so enlightening that I have decided to share the transcript with you.

I have not included any general statements my 2-year-old made or any questions she asked. Nor am I recounting anything that my other two children asked, said or demanded during the course of the day.

What follows is simply a complete…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 23, 2012 at 5:42pm — No Comments

Stop Bitching

As I was changing my 2-year-old’s diaper this morning, I could’ve sworn she told me to “stop bitching.”

 

We do have some decoding issues, so I can’t always be sure about what Jane says. When I am certain, she’s usually boring me to death.

 

For instance, Jane and I have lately been having the following conversation in an endless loop:

“I want daddy.”

“Daddy’s at work.”

“I want daddy.”

“You have mommy. Daddy’s at work.”

“Why’s he…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 21, 2012 at 2:46pm — No Comments

Prison Break

To say that I was nonplussed to read “Montgomery County Prison Work Release Unit” on the side of a van pulling onto my path during a recent trail run might be an understatement.
‘Here I am, trying to enjoy my own work release – a release from my kids,’ I thought. ‘And you’re telling me I have to do it alongside a pack of skinheads and pimps?’
As I ran past the prisoners firing up their weed whackers and leaf blowers, I wondered if these were the “shake and bakers”…
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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 18, 2012 at 10:03pm — No Comments

Bananagram

I’m delighted to report that my 5-year-old son delivered a bananagram last night at dinner.
One must understand that my son's sophisticated palate and particular needs require him to consume a separate meal from the rest of us most mealtimes. As my husband says, "Something's always too something for something with Griffin." Toothpaste is "too spicy," apples often "too cold." This morning, Griffin complained, "My chair's too curvy for my…
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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 16, 2012 at 9:00pm — No Comments

Funland?

At first, I thought Funland was doomed to be "Not So Fun Land."



My twins, 5, are not the bravest pair, and I had never taken them on rides before. I mean, what's in it for me? I personally hate amusement parks. The last time I went to one was in 1997. My friend dragged me there, only to mock me in a subsequent newspaper column he wrote about my panicked questions about the 75-mile-per-hour Steel Force he was making me ride. The man in front of me in line kept…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 14, 2012 at 10:37pm — No Comments

Livin' the Dream

I knew my husband and I were in questionable hands when we pulled into the historic Pennsylvania town between Philadelphia and Pittsburgh and read "JESUS IS LORD" in block letters in the windows of an abandoned building. I was hoping that the resort I'd booked two months ago and neglected to confirm still had our reservation. Then I saw we had backups: We could always stay at the Relax Inn and eat our meals at Hoss's.



Despite the fact that the Marcellus Shale BCDA…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 11, 2012 at 9:59am — No Comments

Forms of Distress

As far as bedtimes go, it has been a fairly entertaining evening. I had the privilege of reading the following tid bit to my 5-year-olds from Beatrix Potter's "The Tale of Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle": "They're little dicky shirt-fronts belonging to Tom Tit-mouse..."



My 2-year-old threw herself down on her bedroom floor and kicked around a bit, crying, after I confessed that I had returned "Elmo's Dreidel" when we were at…
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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 8, 2012 at 8:22pm — No Comments

The Birds and the Bees

My children are masters of annoying questions.



"Who sings this song?" my five-year-old daughter asks.

"The Scissor Sisters."

"Are they boys?"

"In the way that the Bee Gees are boys."

"What does that mean?"

"Never mind."



Driving to the new Wegmans supermarket, Griffin asks where we are going.

"To a fancy grocery store," I…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 5, 2012 at 1:49pm — No Comments

Minivan Dumpster Diving

One of the many perks of owning a minivan is that I get to go dumpster diving in it. My three kids have a precocious talent for throwing things on its floor while we're driving. "I dropped my princess book," my two year old says. "I want mommy get it." On the way home from an aquarium, my son clutches a trio of wind-up boats and promptly releases one, which slides back three rows through the slender opening to the trunk. He…
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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 3, 2012 at 1:41pm — No Comments

I'll talk to anyone

I'm so desperate for adult conversation that I will talk to anyone: garbage men, random dog walkers on the Cynwyd trail, supermarket checkout clerks.



In fact, I talked to the clerks at Genuardi's, during their takeover by Giant, so often that I knew all their grievances. I knew how one clerk in particular was four months pregnant, and they wanted her to go to training on the day of her ultrasound, and there was no way in hell she was going to reschedule her scan…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 1, 2012 at 10:47pm — No Comments

Trouble with the Tooth Fairy

I decided to start a blog today after I spent the better part of my morning rooting through our two-day-old kitchen garbage, desperately seeking my five-year-old daughter's first lost tooth. Miraculously, before I started, I found the last pair in a box of disposable gloves, tucked away in my chemical-filled, un-childproofed cleaning supply cupboard. I donned them and dumped the garbage onto newspaper I'd spread out on our back deck. As I started fingering through the soiled diapers,…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 1, 2012 at 8:45pm — No Comments

Baltimore Bust

"Mommy, why are there monsters here?" my five-year-old son, Griffin, asks as we drive into the Inner Harbor section of Baltimore.



Out the windows we see a black-caped teenager in white pancake makeup, wielding a sword, accompanied by a girl in what can only be described as a green, vinyl, S&M getup. We drive another block and see several more sci-fi creatures: a girl with a green wig, purple face, and blue tights; a guy carrying what looks like a giant, orange…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 1, 2012 at 8:44pm — No Comments

Vvvooop!

My five-year-old son recently acquired what I can best describe as a shark super soaker, a sort of squirt gun tube that shoots water about 30 feet across our yard -- or, if I'm lucky and unattentive, across our kitchen.



The point is that this seemingly annoying, made-in-China, piece of plastic, that has joined the myriad other plastic items in my house, is actually a gift from god. It makes a great sort of "vvvooop"…
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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 1, 2012 at 8:43pm — No Comments

A Mystery

The other morning, around five o'clock, my husband and I heard our two-year-old calling out, "I want mommy. I want daddy." Of course we ignored her, and this went on for a while, accompanied by some strange sounds. About 45 minutes later, I thought it prudent to nudge my husband in the ribs and tell him to go do some reconnaissance and hopefully shut her up so I could keep on sleeping.



He did. And when I wandered down to breakfast about a half hour later, Jeff was…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 1, 2012 at 8:42pm — No Comments

Fecal Incident

Our township pool is notorious for frequent closures due to fecal incidents. This fact inspires outrage within the community, which I've noticed tends to fall into one of two camps: There are those who are upset that the town shuts down the facility so often just because there is poop in the pool. There are those who are horrified and cannot fathom how ANYONE WOULD LET THEIR KID CRAP IN THE WATER.



I was in the latter camp until the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend…

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Added by Courtenay Harris Bond on August 1, 2012 at 8:41pm — No Comments

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