My Funny Mummy's Blog – February 2012 Archive (17)

Really?

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 29, 2012 at 3:17pm — No Comments

Lazy

Right. This has got to stop. Me and Dave are suffering some sort of self harming compulsion where, on a nightly basis we wedge sharp wooden sticks in our eyes, pace frantically up and down the living room and sporadically toss buckets of stone cold water over each other. We then down line after line of espresso in the hope of remaining awake, for no apparent reason, until 1am. We then hit the hay, slip into a exhaustion induced coma, and wake angry, unrefreshed and cantakerous to BB's…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 28, 2012 at 4:08pm — No Comments

Pummelled

Crunching, snapping, grinding, squeezing, crushing, pulverising pressure was my first ever Christmas pressie from Boo. Then she went and ordered me a back massage. She does love me. I think.


I normally frequent beauty establishments where you are consistently referred to as 'love', prices are handwritten on florescent cardboard stars…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 27, 2012 at 4:24pm — No Comments

Messy

Mum's poorly. Don't feel bad; it's her own fault. She's decided to become one of them amcobolicks. 


At first I thought she was just on some marathon baby talk bender. Sprouting babyish gobbeldy-gook for AGES. Turns out she was just on a bender. She thought she was talking sense, and to be fair she spoke more than usual; it was the slurring…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 26, 2012 at 5:06pm — No Comments

Oh. Dear. Her.

I mean er...him. No me.
Oh dear me. That's it isn't it. Oh whatever
IMG-20120225-00288

Added by My Funny Mummy on February 25, 2012 at 9:31am — No Comments

Drinky Poos

First proper night out as a Mummy. Without Dave. And it's a hen do. Oh dear.

I sense slurring, embarrassing photographs and at some point complete abandonment of blood saturated slip ons. 
Getting Ready Ritual

The only bra that doesn't cut into my shoulders is washed. The granny-sucky-inny massive pants are ready. Corn plasters are on, pits have been shaved and hair has been singed, sprayed and split-ended into oblivion. 
I know. Wit and/or…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 24, 2012 at 12:24pm — No Comments

Sitting Up

Sitting Up (Unaided)

By Betty Briars.
Ease Up
1) Take a deep breath, then slowly ease your face away from the floor.
Pose
2) Ensure mother is in catching distance at all times.
She does drift off.
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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 23, 2012 at 6:45am — No Comments

Scoffing

Betty's first 'proper' dinner of actual food that adults eat. Blended up carrot and potato, with a splash of baby milk. Yum. She left some so I spread it on the toast I had for my dinner. Proper tasty. And no chewing. Bonus.

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UPDATE: My piles have cleared up. Just one small, stubborn but utterly sumountable bubble remains. In case you were wondering.

Oh. Sorry Boo. You were…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 22, 2012 at 11:26am — No Comments

Five Month Check

Betty was ON FORM.

She chattered.

She tried to sit up.

She laughed.

She blew raspberries.

She played.

She rolled over.

She broke the scales.

What a show off. She is definitely my daughter.

Amongst my cynicism, my rib ticklingly witty ways and my modesty, I must make one point very clear.

I love my daughter. I love her incredibly. I love her wholly. I love her so…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 21, 2012 at 8:46am — No Comments

Solids

BB's chunky rolls are a source of much mentioned cuteness and unparalleled joy in our house. The bounding layers of podge that signal her endearing gluttony are the stuff babies should be made of. She's sturdy, she's solid, she can be chucked around a bit without the worry that a part of her will fall off. She makes a formidable door stop. That's my kind of human.

But. Ample, chubby, rosy cheeked six month old - good. Corpulent, obese, lardy two year old - very bad. 

So. We could…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 20, 2012 at 8:42am — No Comments

My Life

You know what? It's alright being me.

I have a good old moan on here, but if I'm honest, these two are doing a decent job of making my life tick over pretty well.

My dinner for example - it is prepared, warmed and tested before arriving spot on the hour, at four well set intervals throughout the day. Yeah, the milk is bland, but after a series of dirty protests (they do take a while to catch on) Mum and Dad have begun to serve up some heartier, more flavoursome grub. Mashed up…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 19, 2012 at 5:28pm — No Comments

Lineage

Since the dawning of time, when man populated this earth as early unsophisticated, "ugg" uttering cavemen, adults have been known to occasionally doubt the paternity of a child. On Jeremy Kyle, in a studio populated with guests who have still yet to evolve beyond incomprehensible mutterings and Ugg wearing, paternal claim is constantly in question.

But never, never, not on Jerry Springer, Montel Williams, not even Eastenders, have I ever seen a child's maternal lineage be in…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 18, 2012 at 4:51am — No Comments

Band In The Bath

Tonight, my fledging rock chick daughter took her first tentative hits, blows and squeals into the world of musical brilliance and global adulation. Picking up not one but two instruments you've never played before is a bold move for any budding artist, not least when nervously forging your way onto the international stage for the very first time. To do it with a virtually none existent grasp of hand eye co-ordination, would, by most, be considered career suicide. Yet with the poise of…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 17, 2012 at 5:07pm — No Comments

Skin

Our family don't do good skin.

Dave is pale. P-HALE. Like, not even white; more blue-white. He's translucent. When he's not blinding people who look directly at his skin, he is glowing a deep purple/red, peeling and moaning angrily that he exposed his albino genes to a singular, far off UV ray. Gangsta.

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 16, 2012 at 4:45pm — No Comments

BabyBook

This is not a review. Of a product anyway - just of our early parenting incompetencies. Amid the sea of androgyny we purchased pre BB's arrival, we were particularly drawn to a range of Hungry Caterpillar items. I have spent the last week putting together her Baby Book, carefully selecting images which will paint the right picture of the most beautiful early days of her life (i.e. the ones that cleverly mask the confidence shattering, relentlessly exhausting,…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 15, 2012 at 7:53am — No Comments

Valentine's Day

4 month old baby + Feb 14th = a murmured, sleepy 6.30am "Appy, Valentine's Day love" before Dave scuttled out to work.

Walking to Betty's room, greeted by a suspicious smell, I discovered that my daughter, sensing the sentiment of the day, had felt the need to provide me with a gift. Having never actually pooed the bed before, I suppose I should have been touched. Carefully peeling away her soiled pyjamas, she smiled adoringly up at me, as her eyes proudly whispered: "You're…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 14, 2012 at 3:07pm — No Comments

Baldy Babe

Is sticking a wig on a baby bad?
Twenty One weeks tomorrow, and still pretty much hairless. That might not bother some parents. But for a lustrously locked broad such as myself, it is a big issue. 
There's no point pretending. Betty was supposed to be a boy. I just knew it. On this…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on February 13, 2012 at 3:58pm — No Comments

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