My Funny Mummy's Blog – April 2012 Archive (29)

Baby Sensory Room

There are some brilliant things about having a baby. No, really, there are. Stick with me here. Despite the full wardrobes of stained clothing, the body parts I own that now resemble deflated balloons, and the awkward smells you have to pretend are nothing to do with you while walking around ASDA (doner meat never agrees with me), there are beacons of baby induced pleasure lurching in some shockingly odd places. Take today for example.

Took Boo to a Baby Sensory Room. Now,…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 30, 2012 at 9:10am — No Comments

The Cossie

After regaling you with tales of my "completely unbecoming of a mother" bikinis, I went shopping. 

And found this.

Made of the sum total of all pieces of swimwear material I have ever worn…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 28, 2012 at 8:21am — No Comments

Chef

I am sorry but I AM THE DANGLERS.

I, little old me, of innumerable a culinary incapability, have become a PROPER CHEF, who follows actual real life recipes and that. And uses spices and stuff. And herbs. See. Proper.

Watching, wholly intimidated, as Dave nonchalantly wazzes in a pinch of this and a slosh of that and it magically turning out tasting sublime... I decided I had to up my game. I'm a wife. A mother for God's sake. I should be able to chuck some stuff together. It's…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 27, 2012 at 4:11pm — No Comments

MOT

Car MOT today. Always a weird day. That annual car-less experience of feeling stranded and helpless and reliant on lifts and good weather. Makes me feel uneasy. Like waiting to go into labour. Will it pass? Will those tyres class as bald? Will I need an epidural (to facilitate the extraction of such a large amount of cash from my purse)? I just hope to God they don't clock the ejector seat. That's defo not legal.
I keep my mobile pinned to my hand all day, waiting for word on…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 26, 2012 at 3:26am — No Comments

Baby Massage: Part Three

Gluttons for punishment, we turned up today for the last session.

And IT WENT SWIMMINGLY. WITHOUT A HITCH. TEXTBOOK.

1) Arrived early.

(Knew you wouldn't believe me, so I took this pic of my car clock and the outside of the centre - and IT IS the centre - you can see the OFSTED sign in the back there.)…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 25, 2012 at 9:00am — No Comments

Baby Massage: Part Three

Gluttons for punishment, we turned up today for the last session.

And IT WENT SWIMMINGLY. WITHOUT A HITCH. TEXTBOOK.

1) Arrived early.

(Knew you wouldn't believe me, so I took this pic of my car clock and the outside of the centre - and IT IS the centre - you can see the OFSTED sign in the back there.)…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 25, 2012 at 9:00am — No Comments

Roo

Dear Roo


You are amazing.
You are the kindest, most giving, most physically and mentally tolerant inanimate object I have ever had the pleasure of meeting the acquaintance of. My admiration of you is boundless.…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 24, 2012 at 6:05am — No Comments

Inappropriate

Look at that lot.

Not a one that's gonna cut it. 

How the Hell do I take my daughter for her first swimming session dressed in a shoelace? 

Once upon a time, I clearly thought these patches of fabric were a good idea. They must, upon purchase, have seemingly looked good. And perhaps at a push, if I cast my mind back…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 23, 2012 at 9:04am — No Comments

As If

Trusted with a CHILD. The NHS actually let her take me home. Disgusting. This week alone, this woman has...

  • Allowed some chap to attempt to drown me in a bowl of freezing cold water
  • Passed me from pillar to post around a room full of…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 22, 2012 at 3:21pm — No Comments

SatCap Shizzle

While Mum and Dad pose for 'I Heart God Weekly', Boo delights in rediscovering that assumed extinct member of the litter community, the faded Orangina bottle.
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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 20, 2012 at 5:51pm — No Comments

Sexy Mama

In my ever shameless pursuit of more readers, I have discovered another ploy to cadge a few more sets of eyes who might be willing to keep you three company in the empty wilds of my blog.

ParentsConnect are currently running a Sexy Mama Bloggers feature and have asked parent bloggers to answer a few questions. Because the three people who actually read…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 20, 2012 at 5:41am — No Comments

THOSE Pictures

At Boo's Christening I thought I looked sensational. Not kidding. I felt like the absolute danglers. Cream lace shift to the knee. No cleavage on show, but a little bit of leg. Nice and fitted, but not painted on. Clung in the right places, but appropriate. Classy. Tanned and a little bit French looking. In essence, fit. 

Sadly, after reviewing the photos of the day, turns out this was not the case. Rather than the sexy, Italian looking (I felt continental, ok?), chic vision…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 19, 2012 at 5:42pm — No Comments

Snoozing

Why doesn't Betty sleep on me? (Wasn't that a Travis song?)

She loves a cuddle with her Dad. A few minutes in his arms and she's lolling about all chilled and calm and at ease. She'll happily sleep on her Nan, dozing almost as soon as they are in contact. She'll even grab five minutes with the bin man. He just slaps her to the top of a wheelie and away she drifts...
So why not me? 
Ok, so I probably don't ooze serenity. But I can have a soft side.…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 18, 2012 at 5:29am — No Comments

Baby Massage: Part Two

We dared to go back...

And if only we could have actually got in, we might have been able to set off a fire alarm or cause a bomb scare or something equally destructive in order to trump card the commotion we caused last time.
We arrived at the Children's centre. That's the good news. We looked for a space on the reopened car park, and being on the last minute (but not late -…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 17, 2012 at 5:47pm — No Comments

Betty's Big Day

I'm sure you're all Christeninged out, but tough. It all went to plan, and not many things I tell you do. So you're having it. 


No embarrassing incidents. All as expected and on time. Okay, okay, so Boo hardly ever utters a word yet decided to find her voice mid service, shouting, shrieking and babbling over most of what the Vicar said,…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 16, 2012 at 5:09pm — No Comments

My Big Day

That's me that.
Huh? I'm getting Christened? Me? Oh. Was banking on a sleep to be honest.…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 15, 2012 at 5:22pm — No Comments

Christening Preparations (4)

Decorations

A little do we said. Low key. Modest.

But then - you see stuff. Table confetti - yes please. Pink paper lanterns - thank you kindly. Sky writing - of course - especially if it's Comic Sans to match the invites.

Our reticent budget has got all ballsy and raucous and now extends to furnishing this do with: vases and roses, mirrored tiles, tea lights, helium…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 13, 2012 at 6:19pm — No Comments

Christening Preparations (3)

The Music
Put together a couple of mix CD's to have pumping out of the sound system/small tinny wall mounted speakers at the after Christening buffet. I've spent about three weeks carefully selecting appropriate tracks to really reflect the tone, milieu and sentiment of the day.
1. Celebration - Kool And The Gang - A font-astic start
2. Baptised In Muddy Waters - Chris Thomas - With a little one it can't be…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 12, 2012 at 5:15pm — No Comments

Christening Preparations (2)

How much fanfare is required for a Christening?

I like to go to a good do. I like to put on a bloody good do. None of this celebration by numbers crap. Function room: tick. Buffet: tick. Rubbish DJ: tick. Yawn: tick. I spent my hen do dressed as Edmund Blackadder (series 2) complete with ruffs and stick on goatee beard. When we realised our nuptials were getting a bit Microsoft weddings, we decided to throw in a boat trip, cardboard cut outs of Vegas hotels and an overweight,…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 11, 2012 at 3:38pm — No Comments

Christening Preparations

Betty's big day Sunday. She'll look gorgeous, obviously. When doesn't she? More importantly, I've got to look gorgeous. Seriously, this is my most iconic postnatal moment thus far. In fact, this will be THE postnatal moment people will remember of me forever. (What do you mean no one gives a toss?)

It's not like she's only a few weeks old and I've had no time to prepare. I've had SEVEN WHOLE MONTHS to sort it. Seven whole months to attack the rolls and the wobbles…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on April 10, 2012 at 6:03pm — No Comments

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