My Funny Mummy's Blog – June 2012 Archive (23)

Spoke Too Soon

Ok yeah. I take it back. I absolutely didn't mean it. And now it's come to bite me on the bum.

The Poop's hatred of Being Still, in just the last twenty four short hours, has DEVELOPED.

When Betty gets out of the bath in the evening, there are always low level grumbles. As you dress her in pyjamas for bed, there are a few slightly more disgruntled protestations, and occasionally, if you're being too slow, you may experience a few whinges as she waits for her supper. But other than…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 27, 2012 at 4:43pm — No Comments

Being Still

The Poop is now almost fully mobile. Alright she's not driving my car, but other than that, she's gone. Crawling all over the place, pulling herself to standing, shuffling along holding onto tables and chairs. She put the bins out yesterday.

In fact, so enamoured is she with her new found abilities to traverse most friction friendly surfaces that Being Still currently sits at the heart of all she finds abhorrent and repugnant. In fact it's sandwiched between her two other…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 26, 2012 at 9:09am — No Comments

The Appalling Aroma

There's been a smell. A weird whiff. A baffling bouquet. 

It's lingered around our house for over a week now. 

When we returned from our Father's Day walk last Sunday, it hit you on opening the front door. And I don't mean hit you. I mean absolutely smashed the nostrils clean off your recoiling face. And you would happily swap your hooter for the chance to not smell that perfume. Yet even this was not enough to avoid the revolting stink. It still found you; through your…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 25, 2012 at 8:44am — No Comments

And The Winner Is...

We intended to leave at 7am. At 8:50am, off we went. Good going that.

With BritMums Live! starting at 3pm, we should land about right.

Parked up in London/Beirut at 2:15pm. £18 for two days parking. In a dog rough area. Sold. To the woman with a receipt for two flat tyres, one headlight and no steering wheel.

We trekked across the heart of the city; pushing the pram, carrying Boo's travel cot, bedding, changing bag, my overnight bag, Dave's…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 23, 2012 at 6:08pm — No Comments

Trolley Dolly

At exactly nine months old today, it's time for me to let The Poop do a bit more stuff.

Like get herself a trade, give us a bit of keep and generally learn to pay her bloody way.

All her formula and porridge and jars of mush don't come cheap. And she knows it. It's not like she was born yesterday. Doesn't stop her blowing raspberries when she's got a mouthful though, does it? 

She'll soon learn the value of money when she starts putting something in the pot.

A decent day's…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 21, 2012 at 2:15pm — No Comments

Siege d'Auto

Why does tackling the workings of a child's car seat require a physics degree?  

I dug out the instruction book. 

Do I want to adjust the straps? Nope. 

Do I want to know how to undo the harness? Yeah. Ha bloody ha. That's dead helpful…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 20, 2012 at 2:28pm — No Comments

Neglected

So, you get through your first day back in work, having constantly thought of the baby daughter you abandoned, cast aside and discarded in exchange for cold hard cash. You hurriedly leave the workplace in order to race home and cuddle the little bundle of joy who wonders why she has all of a sudden been rendered surplus to your requirements.

You speed home imagining every second of the reunion. You screech up the driveway, plough through the front door and race down the hall…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 19, 2012 at 2:00pm — No Comments

Happy Father's Day Daddy

Dear Dad

Happy very first ever Father's Day. I hope you have a very lovely day.

On days like today I am supposed to tell you all the reasons why I love you absolutely loads. But first I am going to tell you all the things I don't love about you.

I don't love it when you have a scratchy face. So don't expect a kiss on those days. Or stop it. It's up to you.

I don't love that you are quicker off the mark than Mum is, cause when I'm with you I can't get…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 17, 2012 at 3:34am — No Comments

Absolutely Brilliant

You know what is absolutely bloody brilliant? Leaving everything until the last minute.

Before returning to work on Monday (just two thousand two hundred and eighty minutes away), I must 



- plan and resource all the lessons I will be teaching next week

- tidy and clean the whole house so I don't have to return home from work to it's mankyness

- wrap Dave's Father's Day presents and write his…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 16, 2012 at 7:14am — No Comments

Daddy's Gifts

Dave's first Father's Day.

What with The Poop being too lazy to get down to the shops herself, her having been refused a credit card and her not being able to see over the counter at Clintons, the responsibility for making sure her Dad gets some nice pressies falls to muggins. So what do we get him?

Now, there are various factors to consider before you all rush at once with your advice.

1) I am still on maternity pay

2) I am still on maternity pay

3) I am…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 15, 2012 at 5:14pm — No Comments

Crawling

By Betty Briars.

(For those taking notes, I always find crawling in only a nappy increases my purchase on the floor surface, makes me more aero-dynamic, yet still preserves my modesty. But, each to their own.)

1) At the start line butter up the crowd. Waves and hand shakes from the athlete should whip them into a real frenzy.

2) Select an alluring and, where possible, potentially messy target. A tempting reward…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 14, 2012 at 2:55am — No Comments

VIP

I was RECOGNISED IN THE STREET as "the woman that writes that blog" today. Actually she might have said "the woman that writes that bloody blog". I can't remember the details. Either way, this should have been a thrilling, delightful, magical cocktail all things precious and shiny if, when I was spotted, I hadn't looked like this -…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 13, 2012 at 3:22am — No Comments

Juggle Mum

Right. I actually cannot understand this. Someone needs to explain it to me.
 
After years of taking the mickey out of homemakers/stay at home parents/dossers (delete as appropriate to display the most P.C. option), I have come to learn that being in the house all day, certainly with a small child, is not the Jeremy Kyle-a-thon I imagined it…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 12, 2012 at 3:13am — No Comments

Countdown

One week.
One weekend.
Seven days.
One hundred and sixty eight hours.
Ten thousand and eighty minutes.
Six hundred and four thousand eight hundred seconds.…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 11, 2012 at 8:57am — No Comments

Pooperazzi

In light of this week's publicity, you may be new around here, in which case you won't be aware that I'm at the helm today. What do you mean 'who'? It's me. Miss Briars. The reason for this blog's very being. The apple of Mum's eye. The wind beneath her wings. Or 'The Poop' as Mum so crudely refers to me.

Anyway, Sunday is her day off, and my chance to give you my take on the week's shenanigans. Provided I'm still in one piece.

I've had my every move scrutinised. I've been…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 10, 2012 at 1:58pm — No Comments

Bouncing Baby

Still not crawling forwards, The Poop has instead decided to bounce.

This leaping about is executed -

  • On any surface. Including humans. Even ones we don't know. 
  • At any time. Including middle of the night. And 6:05am on a Saturday morning.
  • In any location. Including when you are attempting to fasten her into her car seat. And when you are lifting Boo, the pram, the…
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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 9, 2012 at 7:06am — No Comments

Dealin' With The Do

Isn't that wall very green? Doesn't that laptop cover make me look like I think I'm a thirteen year old girl? And don't try and pretend you didn't notice that the arm of that settee could do with a bloody good wash. Yet our seriously questionable decor pales into insignificance when you take a…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 8, 2012 at 5:25pm — No Comments

Granada Reports

So. Where do I start with this one?

How about - GRANADA SHOWED UP TODAY. Like you do.

(Though I must add it was the telly channel and not the Andalucian city - which, to be fair, would have been weirder.)

Having spent nine months ensuring I am completely incommunicado to the outside world, and most importantly work, my reclusive ways came to bite me quite firmly on the bum at 10.58am this morning, when I learned of my impending stardom not a moment more than…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 7, 2012 at 4:25pm — No Comments

Extra! Extra!

What? We're in the paper again? One with a BIGGER READERSHIP? That you have to PAY ACTUAL MONEY FOR?

*sighs*....This is just the sort of fame that would probably phase someone less used to regular, invasive media exposure, but, for us, well, as you can imagine, it's getting pretty old... *suddenly runs away from laptop*

*screams* 

*dances…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 6, 2012 at 4:28pm — No Comments

Jubilee Princess

With our penchant for being startlingly greedy and our remarkable ability to jump without any good reason on the nearest slow moving band wagon, the Queen's Diamond Jubilee was a celebration that would not be passing myself, nor my equally unprincipled daughter by. Okay, we're not exactly Royalists. But neither are we Republicans. So, in the interests of fairness and equality, I don't see why fence sitting, unscrupulous, disreputable commoners such as our immoral selves should miss out on a…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on June 5, 2012 at 4:19pm — No Comments

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