My Funny Mummy's Blog – August 2012 Archive (32)

Eating A Chip

By Betty Briars
1) Find a cafe, or if possible an incredibly overpriced themed restaurant,
and stare longingly, yet adorably, at your easily sucked in parents.
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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 15, 2012 at 6:54pm — No Comments

Because I'm Worth It

A cuticlision catastrophe, you will resoundingly agree. Not because you are an expert hairdresser, but because you've got eyes. Even my Dad, a man who has never paid more that £3.50 for the same hair cut every four weeks for the last 59 years, recently said it was looking "a bit tatty". Such utterances from Vidal Sassoon's right hand man stirred in me something extraordinary. A feeling so scarce, so curious and so strange that I have never in my 28 years and eleven months on this…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 13, 2012 at 3:41pm — No Comments

Skinflint

Thrift is a virtue, sure. And in the current economic climate, never more has everyone felt the need to cut their cloth accordingly. But you've got to know where to draw the line.

Preposterous.

These are supposed to…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 12, 2012 at 2:30pm — No Comments

Normal

There was me thinking I was a fourteen year old girl who still had to convince my Mum that I need a pair of Kickers and a Berghaus jacket for school so I would not be subjected to a daily wedgie, when as it turns out, I am an actual, real life adult with proper stuff going on. Who knew?
That is a little bit boring and a big bit marvellous all at the same time.
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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 10, 2012 at 1:01pm — No Comments

Natter

And which words did she choose to utter on this momentous day? Which blessed nouns did she specially select for such an incredible occasion?

She chose two of the most apt, most significant words she could muster in order to achieve what has previously been an impossible goal. She chose words which carry such weighty symbolic and metaphorcial gravitas that she rendered myself, and woman know to offer many a word in any a circumstance, speechless.…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 9, 2012 at 4:45am — No Comments

Pipe Down

Of course you never, ever, ever, EVER, say out loud that you do actually believe that she has gone to sleep, because you can solid gold guarantee that such laughably foolish behaviour only serves to invite to your doorstep a world of late night hurt and woe, spent pacing the landing and muttering under the breath you would happily no longer have in your body, if it meant that death itself could in fact save you from this incessant, incensing, incandescent whirlpool of unfathomable…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 8, 2012 at 3:38am — No Comments

What's This?

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 7, 2012 at 8:58am — No Comments

Security

Now, I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person. I've got G.C.S.E's, A-Levels, a degree; but don't let those fool you. I've taken many a class at the University of Life. I've done my fair share of 'character building'*. I like to think I know how most stuff goes down.

*'Character building' - having your car stolen/failing exams/running over the lawn mower chord/finding a dead cat in your ceiling and other such crushingly horrific demoralising crisis' which are rumoured to, in some…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 6, 2012 at 3:56pm — No Comments

Fine Art

She has spent the last ten months repeatedly preventing me from putting the random items I pick up throughout the day in my mouth, and washing and wiping my body at every given opportunity. Then yesterday, from nowhere, Mum went and painted my hands green with what looked like masonry paint. Maybe it's just me, but this does not suggest the normal, rational behaviour you would expect of a responsible adult.

And oh, didn't I mention, the hand painting happened after stripping me, and…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 5, 2012 at 1:50pm — No Comments

Painting

With Betty naked, but for a nappy, and me skulking about the kitchen in only my undies, we set about the painting session we've been planning for the last ten months.

Why are we half starkers? 

Why has it taken me ten months to get round to this? 

Have I adopted some sort of naturist abstract art indoctrination to inflict upon our daughter? 

And why do I keep asking rhetorical questions?

Full post…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 4, 2012 at 5:47pm — No Comments

Sweet Chariot

The swing is a toy of carefree, cheery, light hearted, relaxed whiling away of many an untroubled hour. How ironic that assembling the thing is such a God-awful, torturously irritating task of painfully epic proportions. There were times there when I couldn't decide whether to insert screw 'E' into bracket 'B' or secret option two, 'my own eye'. 
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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 3, 2012 at 5:00am — No Comments

Belt Up

I'm going to tell you something now.

It's something private. It's something embarrassing. It's something unexpected.

So, in essence, it is exactly the same as every other post on this blog.

Except this one is weirder.

The Poop has recently begun to wake for short periods a few times each night. After all the ground work I have put in to make her a good sleeper, this makes me L-I-V-I-D. In fact it is so vein burstingly infuriating, so hair tear-outingly galling, it is…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 1, 2012 at 8:09am — No Comments

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