We arrived half an hour late for the class that began at 1.30pm. Bustling in, arms filled with Betty, a bulging changing bag, handbag and keys, I introduced myself to the group, reeling off some nervous, unthinking white noise for a few moments, until I heard myself utter the phrase "...then I realised I had to get my piles treated". As the other mothers recoiled in united horror, I searched for something to break the silence. Still holding… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 22, 2012 at 5:35am —
Subjected ourselves to another episode of unashamed broad daylight extortion at the Dunelm Mill cafe. £2.05 for a pathetically tight-ared portion of Victoria sponge cake. Downing a pot of black tea to calm my nerves after allowing myself to be seduced by the mere whiff of butter cream, I fed Betty and remembered she was due for a bum change. I left for the loo as my nan collared a woman wiping the table opposite and began to outline the three hundred and seven ways £2.05 could be better… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 21, 2012 at 5:29pm —
Betty is exactly six months old today. We celebrated this milestone by going to Baby Clinic for a weigh in. I know. Wild. You should've seen us the first time she rolled over. Celebrated by standing in the Post Office queue. Those mentalists really know how to PAR-TAY.
To commemorate Boo's half year, we decided to turn up for the clinic early. We usually rack up at 3pm and blend right in with the other last minute waifs and strays who shuffle in wearing their pyjamas and… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 20, 2012 at 7:09pm —
As a kid, I used to ask my Mum on Mother's Day (considerate like), when it was Children's Day.
"Everyday is Children's Day." she would say with a smile. This would go over my head, until one day at about thirteen years old, I discovered the passive aggressive vocal slight of hand that is sarcasm, and in turn a new found respect for her.
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 19, 2012 at 9:55am —
To My Mummy
Happy First Mother's Day
You are the best Mummy in the whole of all the world. You are funny and nice and pretty and kind.
If there was someone I really liked… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 18, 2012 at 5:24pm —
Current TV: "Keeping your finger on the pulse. Sometimes."
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 17, 2012 at 4:20am —
Why not look after a six month old while hacking your way through a particularly violent episode of food poisoning?
The bubbling, heaving, aching, retching explosions will leave you on the edge of your (loo) seat. Wiping both ends frantically while shaking viciously will whip… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 16, 2012 at 2:03pm —
The pressure is on for me to pull something impressive out of my parenting bag, what with us edging ever closer to Mother's Day. Of course, the fresh energy I have injected into the childcare provision I offer is in direct response to Betty's developing abilities and maturing awareness and most certainly not for the due acknowledgement of her Dad, who will be at the helm of all present buying for the forseeable.… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 15, 2012 at 4:22pm —
In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a 'glass half full' sort of girl. I'm more a 'glass contents completely evaporated before I even put the bloody thing to my lips and now someone's flicked a dead fly in the bottom of it' sort of gal. Most happy people (or losers, as I like to call them), think of me as a miserable, moaning, bad tempered wretch. No. I'm a realist. Aimless smiling is for wimps and weirdos.
So when my boss called today to discuss my return to work in June, I realised… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 14, 2012 at 5:57am —
We were recently given a Mothercare voucher for Betty. We haven't bought her many toys ourselves, what with
a) us being proper dead tight
b) her previously only being capable of sleeping, eating and firing off corking sacks of excrement
c) Dave being unemployed and consequently us being… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 13, 2012 at 6:44am —
My Funny Mummy supports the Netmums United Kindmums Campaign. Sort of.
Full post click here
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 12, 2012 at 5:19am —
How GOOD are hands?! Seriously, what GENIUS thought up these uncanny devices? Steve Jobs? I'm just dipping my toe in the water with the capabilities of my mitts, but these things just BLOW MY MIND. If you haven't got any, or like my Mum, you've got all complacent and blase about them, I'm going to remind you how ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT they are.
1) Hands can pick stuff up. And you DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TELL THEM TO. You don't have to shout "Pick up" at them or press a certain… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 11, 2012 at 6:26am —
"'So the five months column? Ah. Yeah. What we got here?
Recognises own name...rolls over (one way)...Are you taking the wee-wee?
I'm sitting mate. Unaided. Put that in your grid and smoke it."… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 10, 2012 at 3:39am —
When I sleep well, I sleep well - upside down over a bonfire, suspended my metal hooks through my nostrils, naked on a galloping hedgehog - yep, Zzzzville. But when I sleep badly - HORRIBLE.
I am currently experiencing some sort of night on, night off shift pattern of terrifyingness. But I'm not really asleep. Worryingly, I'm just lying there, half in dream, half out, semi-consciously generating a… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 9, 2012 at 8:42am —
Yeah! Come on! International Women's Day! Grrr!
As a new mother, and a new mother of a daughter no less, today should be marked.
So what's the plan guys? Oh. We just do our own thing? Don't you want me to wear pink or have my face painted or put my bra over my clothes or somat? No?… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 8, 2012 at 5:22pm —
Still not had my hair cut since Betty.
Trimmed the week before she was born and self dyed six times, curled/straightened daily and hacked at occasionally with a pair of orange handled kitchen shears. Routinely buy four bottles of shampoo to treat frizzy, dry, damaged and brittle elements of rebelling barnet.
Oh shut up. It's long, no one sees the ends. And my haircuts are free.
When I was a hippy at uni, carefully honing my…
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 6, 2012 at 5:04pm —
Hm. Betty has recently discovered some of the many functions of her hands. "What has she been up to?" I hear you cry in your ones and, very ocassionally, twos. Penning captivating sonnets? Sculpting exquisite pottery? Fashioning magnificent topiary? Maybe next week. For now she has developed her own version of the electronic 'Bop It' game.
Betty has learned to swipe at all manner of gubbins - toys, bowls of cereal, decorative… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 5, 2012 at 6:23am —
You guys just CRACK ME UP.
Supermarkets! Who thought of that?! Man, they are FUN-NY!! Mum took me into one called 'Tesco' today. What a hoot! They have these little streets right, set out in identical rows! Honest to God! And they fill the streets with boxes and jars and tubs, set out in sections of the same stuff! Tears were just streaming down my face!!… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 4, 2012 at 6:53am —
Went visiting today.
Saw my friend Claire and her two boys; three and eight months. A couple of 'firsts' for me with Boo - time in a non family member's home, and being in the company of other young children. Clearly, an accident waiting to happen. So, question for you. Did she:
a) Cry none stop for all of the two hours we were there
b) Poke both children, quite forcefully, in the eye, rendering them both temporarily blind and thus understandably terrified… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 2, 2012 at 4:05pm —
This blog has few followers. I wear my fingers to nubs at this keyboard on a daily basis and I know there's probably just lovely little you, reading this right now, who in fact other than me, has read it at all. Because you're DEAD NICE. And intelligent. And you've got great taste. And you make my heart a little bit excited when I find out you stopped by. So thank you.
Anyway, when I saw a chain letter, chinese whispery, question answery thingy doing the rounds among other far more… Continue
Added by My Funny Mummy on March 1, 2012 at 5:39pm —