My Funny Mummy's Blog (217)

Falling Asleep In The Car

By Betty Briars.

1) Get Mum or Dad to strap you in the car. Always remember to make this as difficult as possible for them by arching your back, crying and being downright awkward.…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 21, 2012 at 2:42am — No Comments

I'm Still Standing

Understandably, me and Dave are utterly delighted with this latest milestone of progress. What is absolutely not in the least bit delightful about it is the fact that The Poop insists on practising her new skill in only the most specific of conditions. She will not merely stand to command like some performing monkey. The circumstances are to be just right.

She must:

a) Be placed on a slippery surface.

Ice/banana skins/wet marble/a greased baking tray/damp patio decking/a…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 20, 2012 at 5:41am — No Comments

I'm Still Standing

Understandably, me and Dave are utterly delighted with this latest milestone of progress. What is absolutely not in the least bit delightful about it is the fact that The Poop insists on practising her new skill in only the most specific of conditions. She will not merely stand to command like some performing monkey. The circumstances are to be just right.

She must:

a) Be placed on a slippery surface.

Ice/banana skins/wet marble/a greased baking tray/damp patio decking/a…

Continue

Added by My Funny Mummy on August 20, 2012 at 5:41am — No Comments

Carnal Cuisine

Mum got me to eat A MAN this week. Yep. An actual piece of a fella. I say fella, it could have been a woman - in fact, for fear of offending anyone, we'll just say I ate part of a person.

Now, I'm all for new experiences and giving things a go, yet even for an open minded, worldly wise, see-it-done-it broad such as myself, this request was a bit of a bolt from the blue.

My present diet…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 19, 2012 at 5:01pm — No Comments

Carnal Cuisine

Mum got me to eat A MAN this week. Yep. An actual piece of a fella. I say fella, it could have been a woman - in fact, for fear of offending anyone, we'll just say I ate part of a person.

Now, I'm all for new experiences and giving things a go, yet even for an open minded, worldly wise, see-it-done-it broad such as myself, this request was a bit of a bolt from the blue.

My present diet…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 19, 2012 at 5:01pm — No Comments

Indecent Proposal

Under Dave's orders, tonight's is a short post as apparently, over the last couple of weeks, due to spending my evenings updating this blog, I have been "neglecting my wifely duties"...
Full post www.myfunnymummy.org x

Added by My Funny Mummy on August 18, 2012 at 3:00pm — No Comments

Calpol

Seriously, properly, absolutely and completely well good.

Yesterday The Poop was a lethargic, vomit stained, tender skinned little mite, piping out poos the consistency of gravy, which absolutely did not smell like gravy. Today? A vision of shining, sparkling, smiling loveliness who has slept like a, well, dream, and has since shelled out some encouragingly sturdy stools.

Full post…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 17, 2012 at 5:36am — No Comments

Poorly Poop

We called the emergency doctor and were given a 1am appointment. Panicking, rushing and just generally being absolutely pathetic, I dressed myself in the nearest available garmentry. And while it might not be the most obvious attire in which to attend a medical centre in St Helens in the early hours of a Thursday morning, the Bermuda shorts, poncho and diving flippers combo more than demonstrated my unquestionable commitment to my daughter's well being. Dave trotted out in sportswear,…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 16, 2012 at 5:59pm — No Comments

Eating A Chip

By Betty Briars
1) Find a cafe, or if possible an incredibly overpriced themed restaurant,
and stare longingly, yet adorably, at your easily sucked in parents.
Full post www.myfunnymummy.org x

Added by My Funny Mummy on August 15, 2012 at 6:54pm — No Comments

Because I'm Worth It

A cuticlision catastrophe, you will resoundingly agree. Not because you are an expert hairdresser, but because you've got eyes. Even my Dad, a man who has never paid more that £3.50 for the same hair cut every four weeks for the last 59 years, recently said it was looking "a bit tatty". Such utterances from Vidal Sassoon's right hand man stirred in me something extraordinary. A feeling so scarce, so curious and so strange that I have never in my 28 years and eleven months on this…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 13, 2012 at 3:41pm — No Comments

Skinflint

Thrift is a virtue, sure. And in the current economic climate, never more has everyone felt the need to cut their cloth accordingly. But you've got to know where to draw the line.

Preposterous.

These are supposed to…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 12, 2012 at 2:30pm — No Comments

Normal

There was me thinking I was a fourteen year old girl who still had to convince my Mum that I need a pair of Kickers and a Berghaus jacket for school so I would not be subjected to a daily wedgie, when as it turns out, I am an actual, real life adult with proper stuff going on. Who knew?
That is a little bit boring and a big bit marvellous all at the same time.
www.myfunnymummy.org x

Added by My Funny Mummy on August 10, 2012 at 1:01pm — No Comments

Natter

And which words did she choose to utter on this momentous day? Which blessed nouns did she specially select for such an incredible occasion?

She chose two of the most apt, most significant words she could muster in order to achieve what has previously been an impossible goal. She chose words which carry such weighty symbolic and metaphorcial gravitas that she rendered myself, and woman know to offer many a word in any a circumstance, speechless.…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 9, 2012 at 4:45am — No Comments

Pipe Down

Of course you never, ever, ever, EVER, say out loud that you do actually believe that she has gone to sleep, because you can solid gold guarantee that such laughably foolish behaviour only serves to invite to your doorstep a world of late night hurt and woe, spent pacing the landing and muttering under the breath you would happily no longer have in your body, if it meant that death itself could in fact save you from this incessant, incensing, incandescent whirlpool of unfathomable…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 8, 2012 at 3:38am — No Comments

What's This?

Full post www.myfunnymummy.org x

Added by My Funny Mummy on August 7, 2012 at 8:58am — No Comments

Security

Now, I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person. I've got G.C.S.E's, A-Levels, a degree; but don't let those fool you. I've taken many a class at the University of Life. I've done my fair share of 'character building'*. I like to think I know how most stuff goes down.

*'Character building' - having your car stolen/failing exams/running over the lawn mower chord/finding a dead cat in your ceiling and other such crushingly horrific demoralising crisis' which are rumoured to, in some…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 6, 2012 at 3:56pm — No Comments

Fine Art

She has spent the last ten months repeatedly preventing me from putting the random items I pick up throughout the day in my mouth, and washing and wiping my body at every given opportunity. Then yesterday, from nowhere, Mum went and painted my hands green with what looked like masonry paint. Maybe it's just me, but this does not suggest the normal, rational behaviour you would expect of a responsible adult.

And oh, didn't I mention, the hand painting happened after stripping me, and…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 5, 2012 at 1:50pm — No Comments

Painting

With Betty naked, but for a nappy, and me skulking about the kitchen in only my undies, we set about the painting session we've been planning for the last ten months.

Why are we half starkers? 

Why has it taken me ten months to get round to this? 

Have I adopted some sort of naturist abstract art indoctrination to inflict upon our daughter? 

And why do I keep asking rhetorical questions?

Full post…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 4, 2012 at 5:47pm — No Comments

Sweet Chariot

The swing is a toy of carefree, cheery, light hearted, relaxed whiling away of many an untroubled hour. How ironic that assembling the thing is such a God-awful, torturously irritating task of painfully epic proportions. There were times there when I couldn't decide whether to insert screw 'E' into bracket 'B' or secret option two, 'my own eye'. 
Full post www.myfunnymummy.org x

Added by My Funny Mummy on August 3, 2012 at 5:00am — No Comments

Belt Up

I'm going to tell you something now.

It's something private. It's something embarrassing. It's something unexpected.

So, in essence, it is exactly the same as every other post on this blog.

Except this one is weirder.

The Poop has recently begun to wake for short periods a few times each night. After all the ground work I have put in to make her a good sleeper, this makes me L-I-V-I-D. In fact it is so vein burstingly infuriating, so hair tear-outingly galling, it is…

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Added by My Funny Mummy on August 1, 2012 at 8:09am — No Comments

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