** My son likes to make his penis talk. (Don't ask.)
** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.
** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.
** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.
** You can never ever hug your kids too much.
** When life hands you…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 31, 2011 at 1:07pm — No Comments
** Once again, I have no desire to go out and get all crazy on New Year's Eve. (I'd rather do it the night BEFORE New Year's Eve.)
** Christmas cookies seriously kicked my ass this year.
** Trying to write with a house full of people is like trying to have sex with a house full of people (uh....not that I would know or…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 30, 2011 at 12:07pm — No Comments
Remember that story a few weeks ago when we lost the mother fucking Elf on the Shelf, and I was all panicked that it might be the last Christmas for believing in Santa in my household? Well, it saddens me beyond words, but I'm pretty sure the jig is up (at…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 29, 2011 at 12:13pm — No Comments
The other day I sent out a tweet that could quite possibly be misconstrued as naughty by nature -- I said something to the effect of "My husband's Jolly Juice is a-flowing". Now many of you may have thought that this was some sort of sexual reference (cause let's be honest, usually it is), but surprisingly, this time, it was actually a very innocent comment referring to a new cocktail recipe that I found recently and somehow persuaded my husband to whip up for our friends and…Continue
** These people are driving me nuts. And by people, I mean my family.
** Holiday shoppers are complete assholes.
** My to-do list is evidently not gonna write itself.
** It's also not going to do itself either.
** Cleaning is clearly a complete waste of my time.
** There's something pretty freaking…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 23, 2011 at 1:24pm — No Comments
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our pad,
Every creature was stirring, being exceptionally bad.
The stockings were hung too close to the floor,
And Goatdog was eating each one that he tore.
The twins were bouncing off the walls in their…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 22, 2011 at 5:22pm — No Comments
I swear my blog pretty much writes itself with the ridiculous things that continuously happen to me. And good old Goatdog is often at the center of the craziness that provides such good writing material. Remember last week when he charged right through the glass on the front door of our house? Well, the big furry bastard actually topped that little stunt over the weekend,…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 20, 2011 at 9:22am — No Comments
** The next time my kids PROMISE me they'll stay in bed if I read just one more itty bitty chapter, I'll know they're totally full of shit.
** Screw Santa -- MOMS are the ones who need elves!!!!
** No matter how many times I return it to the basement, an Australian boomerang keeps reappearing on my kitchen…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 16, 2011 at 10:22am — No Comments
You know you're up a shit creek when your kid comes out of a public bathroom after ten LONG minutes and says, "Uh, can you come in here and help me, Mama?" You might as well just take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves, and prepare for the worst. I speak from experience because I dealt with this very same scenario over the weekend when I secured my status…Continue
** Skid marks can suck it.
** If you can drive five REALLY loud eight-year-old girls without wrecking the car, you can do just about anything.
** I think I'm gonna make it easier on myself and just give everyone access to my bank account this Christmas.
** Stupidity is what makes the world go round (or at least it seems…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 9, 2011 at 11:19am — No Comments
WARNING: ** Look away if you don't like an occasional f-bomb every now and then. Cause in this case? It just couldn't be helped. (Sorry, Mom and Dad....) **
Every year our "Elf on the Shelf" tradition brings me a combination of both…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 7, 2011 at 10:21am — No Comments
** Every time I try to be the early bird, my kids have already beaten me to the damn worm.
** The apple doesn't fall far from the tree since my son evidently also writes "notes to self".
** I'm a little obsessed with Thymes Frasier Fir line for the holidays.
**After living with a…Continue
Don't ya just hate it when you go through an entire day thinking it's a day later than it actually is? This is exactly what happened to me on Tuesday of this week. I could've sworn it was the last day of November and, therefore, convinced myself that it was, indeed, time to switch into that holy-shit-mode of the holiday season trying to get everything done that needs to get…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 1, 2011 at 1:54pm — No Comments