Jennifer Marshall's Blog (278)

Things I've Learned This Week

** Parking garages continue to both piss me off and freak me out.

** Men are by far THE biggest babies when they're sick.

** Taking a shower is really just a whole lotta work.

** My house looks like we had a major party here.  Which would be awesome if we'd had a major party here.

** Auto-pilot is a…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 28, 2012 at 2:08pm — No Comments

The Night I (Almost) Broke Up With Prince



For as long as I can possibly remember, I have absolutely LOVED Prince.  Even way, way back in elementary school, my best friend and I would hole up in her room and blast songs that we knew were completely inappropriate for our innocent, young eardrums.  I begged and I pleaded with my mom to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me see him in concert but was told…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 26, 2012 at 10:00pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** My allergies are acting crazier than Dina Lohan lately.

** Sand in my toes = good.  Sand in my teeth = not so good.

** Processing a thought in this…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 21, 2012 at 11:05am — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** The clothes get a whole lot cleaner when you actually push the START button on the washing machine.

** If I had a dollar for every time my house is quiet, I still wouldn't have any money in my wallet.

** Sometimes being responsible is such a pain in my irresponsible ass.

** Adult-sized bodies do NOT fit in…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 14, 2012 at 3:00pm — No Comments

Thundershirt My Ass

Our dog has earned many a nickname in his three years with the family -- Goatdog, asshole, jackass, dick.  But the one name that kinda surprises me (especially given the fact that he body slammed himself through the friggin' front door) is WIMP.  Yes, for some reason, the big lug turns into one giant wussbag when it comes to thunderstorms.

Of…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 13, 2012 at 12:03pm — 3 Comments

Guess What!!!!!!

I've had to keep some exciting news under wraps for a while, but now I'm finally able to share it with y'all!  I'm going to be on a t.v. show!  That's nucking futs, right??!!

The show is going to be called "Mommy…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 10, 2012 at 11:36am — 2 Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** The silverware thief is at it again.

** It's hard to have an adult conversation when you see your kid making armpit farts out of the corner of your eye.

** Crying over spilled milk is totally justified when it's a mere millimeter from your laptop.

** If burping is the sign of a good meal, then snoring is surely the sign of a good…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 7, 2012 at 6:30pm — No Comments

Things That Make You Go "Hmmm"

Nothing really surprises me when it comes to my kids, but I seriously don't know what possesses them to do some of the crazy, stupid things they do.  And sometimes, it's really really hard to be the parent and not laugh at those crazy, stupid things.  (Cause let's be honest, some of them are pretty freaking hysterical!)  The latest thing that made me go hmmm?  My son decided…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 5, 2012 at 12:55pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** As predicted, back-to-school has totally kicked my ass up and down and all around.

** Always trust your gut.  Unless it's telling you to eat a dozen donuts.

** My daughter's wreck of a room looks like a junk store had the stomach flu.

** Goatdog is evidently a HUGE fan of the food in the pantry.

** If I had…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 5, 2012 at 12:20pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** I often wonder whether I live in a house with two kids or a house with two pigs.

** Driving past a lemonade stand without stopping makes me feel guilty.

** I may or may not be a sucker.

** Gravity can kiss my ass (especially since it's responsible for knocking it down in the first place).

** Parenting without a…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 24, 2012 at 1:42pm — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** I really need to fertilize my money tree cause damn, life is expensive right now.

** My kids purposely slow down to a turtle-like pace whenever I tell them to hurry up.

** When people say, "It can't get worse than this", it almost ALWAYS does.

** Listening to crap drip out of your kitchen ceiling is not a…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 17, 2012 at 11:00am — No Comments

How Patches Lost His Ass

A little over a year ago, I had a momentary lapse in judgment.  Yes, I allowed my daughter to get a pet guinea pig, which was clearly not the smartest decision I ever made, considering that we have a dog who likes to eat EVERYTHING under the sun.  Miraculously, though, the pig and the pooch have somehow managed to co-exist relatively peacefully up until now.  That…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 15, 2012 at 10:29am — No Comments

Things I Learned on our Family Vacation

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** Seeing his grandma in the buff apparently doesn't phase my son in the least.

** Hot flashes and sea sickness don't mix well with a pirate ship cruise.

** And just because it's a "pirate" cruise does not mean that Johnny Depp…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 13, 2012 at 10:08am — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** Summer really needs a speeding ticket.

** Inspirational quotes do nothing but piss me off when I'm in a crabby mood.

** The Olympics have evidently convinced my kids that there's a vault in our second floor hallway.  (And I assure you there is not.)

** My brain has a serious case of the farts lately.

** The top of…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 3, 2012 at 10:53am — No Comments

The Honk Off

I swear my husband gets his jollies by trying to embarrass the crap out of me.  He's always enjoyed putting the car windows down and driving around our neighborhood with the radio blaring full blast.  And believe me, I've seen many an eye roll from our fellow neighbors whenever we go thumping by.  It makes me wanna slump down in the seat and pretend like I'm not really there, even…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 1, 2012 at 3:02pm — 1 Comment

Things I've Learned This Week

** I'm the only one here that seems to know that the floor is not a trash can.

** Shrinky Dinks may be the dumbest art project ever invented.

** I really don't need to know WHY there's a streak of poo on the side of the toilet.

** "Make Your Own Pizza Night" is really just my way of saying, "Fix Your Own Damn…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 27, 2012 at 6:21pm — No Comments

Look Out -- Dad's in Charge!!!

When I put my husband in charge of getting the kids somewhere, I can generally expect for at least a handful of important things to be completely forgotten.  Try as he might, he just doesn't run through any sort of mental checklist before he races out the door.  In fact, he's done this ever since the twins were little tiny babies, often leaving the house without so much as a…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 24, 2012 at 10:14am — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** I am a chocolate chip cookie whore.

** Sinus headaches and motherhood go together about as well as flannel pajamas go with humidity.

** Meal plans that don't include chocolate or wine are clearly not the plans for me.

** Finding a store that still sells Excedrin Migraine is like finding the pot of gold at the end of a…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 20, 2012 at 6:14pm — No Comments

Thank God for Summer Camp

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I am more than grateful for the genius who came up with the idea for summer camp.  Cause if my kids didn't have somewhere to go each and every day?  They would surely have killed each other by now.  However, as much as I like the idea…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 19, 2012 at 11:39am — No Comments

Things I've Learned This Week

** My kids find dirt faster than a junkie finds smack.

** Movie popcorn always seems like a good idea at the time.

** A jackhammer at a Metallica concert would be quieter than some of the carpools I've driven.

** Canker sores and teeth are a HORRIBLE combination.

** The a-hole who's been trying to hack into…

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Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 13, 2012 at 7:42pm — No Comments

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