** It honestly wouldn't surprise me if I pulled a piece of Easter grass out of my ass at this point since that crap seems to be EVERYWHERE!!!!
** If you're a complete and total bitch, you should probably think twice about being a customer service rep. Just sayin'.
** Motherhood is totally interfering with my "Fifty Shades of Grey"…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 13, 2012 at 11:36am — No Comments
** Sometimes turds just don't want to be flushed.
** I really really heart selling jewelry.
** It's a terribly bad idea to enter a bakery when you're starving.
** Trying to brush my daughter's hair in the morning is like trying to lasso a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 6, 2012 at 10:46pm — No Comments
As a parent, I'm trying REALLY hard to hold onto the whole believing in the Tooth Fairy thing for as long as is humanly possible. So when a kid's tooth falls out in this house? Well, I wanna be on top of that shit like white on rice. Unfortunately, however, I'm not always totally prepared for the curve balls that motherhood sometimes throws my…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 4, 2012 at 10:58am — No Comments
I normally do these "reflective" kind of posts on Fridays, but I was just too swept up in Paradise last week to sit down and really use my brain for anything productive. But now that I've been sucker-punched by reality once again, I decided to look back on the finer things I discovered on our family vacation....
** Every day should end in a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on April 2, 2012 at 11:06am — No Comments
** It's really difficult to do pushups when the dog's trying to hump you.
** Mornings around here are nuttier than a jar of Jif.
** If my house could talk, I'm pretty sure it would say, "Oink!"
** Little boys' fingernails are dirtier than the floor of an Irish pub on St. Patrick's Day.
** Allergy shot are not a very…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on March 16, 2012 at 12:07pm — No Comments
My kids are driving me absolutely CUCKOO-KACHOO with all the friggin' apps they continue to want for the iPhone. Every day it's something new. My damn phone now has over 8,764 different games on it! WTF?! Ok, so maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but I seriously can't find any of the things that I need on it anymore cause it's so overcrowded with kid…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on March 15, 2012 at 10:32am — No Comments
You'd think past experience would've taught me not to trust my husband to cut my son's hair. However, I must've had a momentary lapse in judgment over the weekend, for I allowed him to get the old clippers out once again. Call me kooky, but I guess I figured it couldn't be THAT hard to screw up a buzz cut, could it? (Ok, stop giggling,…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on March 13, 2012 at 2:59pm — No Comments
** The shoe cubby in the foyer is the most logical place to store your jock cup. Apparently.
** I've answered more questions than Google over the past several days.
** Snooki has confirmed her pregnancy. I killed a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on March 9, 2012 at 11:16am — No Comments
Bedtime with my twinks continues to reach an all-time low around here. Every flippin' night I threaten to sell 'em off in a 2-for-1 special at a garage sale. Cause seriously, why did I have to be the one to give birth to the sleepless wonder twins? I say it's high time I open up a can of 'Serious As A Heart Attack' and take back my nightly mother effin' me-time. So, here's the equation that I hereby propose:…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on March 7, 2012 at 10:55am — No Comments
** Not realizing your sports bra is too small until halfway into your run is nothing short of sucky.
** It took me way too 'cussing' long to appreciate the awesomeness of "The Fantastic Mr.Fox."
** Kids are a zillion times better at handling stress than adults are.
** I need to start carrying around a ladle to…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on March 2, 2012 at 1:38pm — No Comments
Something many people don't know about me is that I'm constantly writing things down that I want to remember. In fact, I am obsessed with the "Notes" app on my iPhone. Every time I see something interesting in a magazine or hear about a great product from a friend or have a random idea for a blog post, I save it on my phone for later use. The problem, however, is…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on March 1, 2012 at 1:12pm — No Comments
** If I ever turn up missing, a vineyard in Sonoma is most likely where you'll find me.
** My daughter thinks I was born in 1818. Seriously, she asked if that was my birth year. WTF?!
** Entirely too many people think they have the right of way.
** Elementary School Open House could also be referred to as Nuts on a Stick. …Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 24, 2012 at 8:09pm — No Comments
Don't you just love how candid kids can be? Especially when it comes at your own personal expense? Just think how awesome it would be if, as adults, we could say exactly what we think and have people chuckle and say how darn cute we are. Unfortunately, however, we'd most likely end up getting our asses kicked and be unfriended by every single person we know on Facebook.
Luckily, for my daughter, it's still pretty hilarious when she asks me why my boobs aren't "as big as…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 23, 2012 at 9:22am — No Comments
** A lovely Valentine's morning can quickly turn to a red and pink poop storm when you're a parent.
** If the smell of your own morning breath is making you gag, you know it's time to brush those pearly whites.
** I always seem to park in the spot where some lazy jackhole has left his unreturned shopping cart.
** Cookie bouquets…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 18, 2012 at 11:53am — No Comments
Parenthood, we have a problem. My sweet baby girl has gone off the deep end. Even though she's only eight years old, I'm seriously considering enrolling her in Maury Povich's boot camp. Or a chain gang. Or both. Cause seriously? This shit's gotta stop. The kid has been sent to the principal's office not once but TWICE in one week, and one of those times was on…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 15, 2012 at 1:27pm — No Comments
** Bloating and cramping are God's way of saying, "Sucks to be you!!!"
** Giselle Bundchen needs to be introduced to the wonderful world of duct tape.
** A rotten bag of mushrooms makes your…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 10, 2012 at 10:51am — No Comments
Obviously, I love my kids with every little fiber of my being, but I swear to, well......you, actually, that they're involved in some sort of conspiracy theory to drive me straight to the loony bin. Seriously, if I didn't know any better, I'd think they'd bought stock in Crazy Town, which is clearly where I'll be residing soon enough. Any potential…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 8, 2012 at 4:52pm — No Comments
** A healthy household makes for a happy mama.
** My kids are HUGE fans of "skip the shower" nights.
** If my purse contained as much money as it does crap, I would be a very rich lady.
** Asparagus = awesome. Asparagus pee…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 3, 2012 at 10:37am — No Comments
Remember when you were growing up and you said you'd never ever do to your own children the things your parents did to you? Perhaps it was a vow you made to yourself in the midst of snot and tears as you slammed the door of your room so hard that it nearly shattered the windows? Well, my sixteen-year-old self would probably punch me in the face for doing so, but here's me admitting…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on February 2, 2012 at 1:32pm — No Comments
It's so hard to believe that this month celebrates THREE awesome years of writing my little Nucking Futs Mama blog. This right here is my 642nd published post, y'all! Holy crap, that's a lot of rambling, isn't it??!
And since there's no red carpet roll-out or awards show ceremony to commemorate this monumental occasion (*snark*),…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 31, 2012 at 10:58am — No Comments