** Those sneaky Mayans were totally effing with us all along. I knew it!!!!
** December is one giant money suck.
** Our Elf on the Shelf would be a lot more welcome here if he wrapped presents and actually did "elf" shit.
** Taking a shower lately is definitely a luxury.
** Living next to a house being torn… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 21, 2012 at 11:20am —
Like every other parent in America, I sent my kids off to school yesterday morning with a giant lump in my throat. The horrific events of Friday's mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School were at the forefront of my mind as I hugged each of my twins as tightly as I could. A small part of me even wished they were sick so they could stay safe at home with me. However,… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 18, 2012 at 8:00pm —
** All I want for Christmas is a personal chef. And a bigger bank account to pay for the personal chef.
** Those inflatable lawn Santas look so sad and hungover during the daytime.
** A sick kid at home makes for an incredibly unproductive week.
** I've eaten so many damn holiday cookies that you should probably start calling me… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 15, 2012 at 4:00pm —
Ah, it's the holiday season -- that magical time of the year when you wanna sip hot cocoa by the fire and shove people outta the way for a deal on a flat-screened t.v. Cause let's be real, y'all. December tends to turn the very best of us into giant assholes.
Every year I tell myself I'm not gonna get swept up into all the hoopla of running here, there and… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 13, 2012 at 11:52am —
** 'Tis the season to be an asshole. Apparently.
** I am not the Energizer Bunny.
** The Elf on the Shelf might very well be my nemesis.
** Anything that's lost is very likely at the bottom of my son's backpack.
** I should really write a country song cause I've got the homework blues.
** Leaving your… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 8, 2012 at 2:04pm —
If I could take myself into a dark alley and kick my own ass, I totally would cause I seriously dropped the parenting ball the other night (once again). Yes, I completely failed my duty as the Tooth Fairy, y'all. Now I know that plenty of people have said that they, too, have forgotten a tooth here and there, but I swore that I would never… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 5, 2012 at 3:00pm —
** The SNL "Schweddy Balls" skit just never ever gets old.
** I'm still not a fan of LED Christmas lights.
** Candy Cane Chapstick is the bomb dot com. For real.
** The endless barrage of holiday catalogs being crammed into my mailbox has once again… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 30, 2012 at 11:11am —
As a kid, it's hard to see the big, wide world outside your own tiny bubble of existence. (Heck, it's not easy even as an adult sometimes!) That's why I've made it my mission to try to teach my kids to help out people in need. And one of my favorite holiday traditions for our family is to help fulfill the Christmas wish list of a child in need.
For the past… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 30, 2012 at 11:09am —
** The world would be a lot happier if everyone ate Thanksgiving dinner in their pajamas.
** Chuck E. Cheese is totally a rat, not a mouse -- am I right or am I right?
** That stupid Taylor Swift song is never ever ever gonna get out of my damn head.
** "Benign" is truly a magical word.
** A successful… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 23, 2012 at 1:11pm —
** My kids think Santa can make ANYTHING, which means that I am totally and completely SCREWED.
** "Customer" and "service" are two words that, sadly, don't belong together anymore.
** Static electricity is a very unfortunate side effect of Winter.
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 16, 2012 at 4:55pm —
You likely know by now that Goatdog is generally a giant thorn in my side and that I often contemplate turning him into the main course for our Thanksgiving dinner. That being said, though, he has somehow managed to worm his wicked way into our hearts with all of his quirky little… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 15, 2012 at 4:14pm —
As much as I loathe winter weather, there truly is something magical about the first snow of the season. Those white flakes falling gracefully from the sky always bring an unexpected peacefulness in my otherwise chaotic world. And being able to share that special moment with my kids makes it all that more memorable for me.
We got our first snowy dusting just this… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 14, 2012 at 5:00pm —
** The time change is making me think I'm late to everything. (O.k., so later than usual).
** My town has already put up its Christmas decorations. So we can now eat our Halloween candy under the mistletoe.
** After a thorough cleaning of my daughter's room, turns out there isn't a dead body in there after all.
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 9, 2012 at 12:29pm —
When it comes to smashed grapes, I tend to be more of a white wine lover. But every now and then, I do love to sip some red. However, this past weekend proved to me why I should probably save it for very special occasions (like when the floor is lined with plastic).
So it was a chilly Friday evening, and my hubby and I decided to open up a…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 5, 2012 at 11:02am —
** Hurricane Sandy gave a whole new meaning to the term “shit storm”.
** Governor Chris Christie was surely a bulldog in another life.
** You pretty much have to turn tricks to be able to afford all those Halloween treats.
** It’s hard to know whether to laugh or feel sorry for a dog trying to take a dump in a sheriff’s… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on November 5, 2012 at 10:57am —
** Inadvertently headbutting the door with your forehead is not the best way to open it.
** When a fart rips through your yoga class, you can't help but feel bad for the person who let it slip out.
** Glue guns and Google are two of the BEST inventions on the planet.
** My kids should have to pay labor costs for all the time I've… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 26, 2012 at 5:09pm —
Obviously there's a reason why Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby scored major benjamins off that "Kids Say the Darnedest Things" show cause, let's face it, kids blurt out some seriously funny shit, don't they?! I am always giggling at the crazy things my twins come up with, sometimes even when it's completely inappropriate for me to laugh. How can you NOT love… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 24, 2012 at 6:25pm —
** It's kind of disturbing to hear your nine year old sing about having someone blow his whistle. (Yeah, thanks, Flo Rida.)
** I'm beyond thankful I'm not married to a politician.
** Fun-size 3 Musketeers are downright dangerous.
** My ass is gonna beep when I back up if I don't amp up my workout routine again… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 19, 2012 at 7:28pm —
It's never ever easy to be a parent, but man, some days are just harder than others, aren't they? And when you're dealing with an overtired child, you're pretty much fighting an unbeatable battle, like a kitten trying to hold its own against a wolverine. Yep, this is exactly how my week began yesterday (as if Mondays weren't bad enough already!)
It had been… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 16, 2012 at 12:10pm —
** Arnold Schwarzenegger clearly has diarrhea of the mouth. And a penis for a brain.
** It's a tie between the dog, the kids and the husband as to who is the messiest.
** I'm starting to think I live in the Hundred Acre Woods with all the recent wildlife… Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 5, 2012 at 9:52pm —