** Arnold Schwarzenegger clearly has diarrhea of the mouth. And a penis for a brain.
** It's a tie between the dog, the kids and the husband as to who is the messiest.
** I'm starting to think I live in the Hundred Acre Woods with all the recent wildlife…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on October 5, 2012 at 9:52pm — No Comments
I don't know how it is in your household, but in mine, there's a WORLD of difference between when I get sick and when my husband gets sick. We're talking night and day contrast, people. You see, he turns into a 39 year-old baby when he's under the weather, whereas I must continue with life as normal, sniffles and aches, be damned!
It was just last week when my other…Continue
** Parking garages continue to both piss me off and freak me out.
** Men are by far THE biggest babies when they're sick.
** Taking a shower is really just a whole lotta work.
** My house looks like we had a major party here. Which would be awesome if we'd had a major party here.
** Auto-pilot is a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 28, 2012 at 2:08pm — No Comments
For as long as I can possibly remember, I have absolutely LOVED Prince. Even way, way back in elementary school, my best friend and I would hole up in her room and blast songs that we knew were completely inappropriate for our innocent, young eardrums. I begged and I pleaded with my mom to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me see him in concert but was told…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 26, 2012 at 10:00pm — No Comments
** My allergies are acting crazier than Dina Lohan lately.
** Sand in my toes = good. Sand in my teeth = not so good.
** Processing a thought in this…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 21, 2012 at 11:05am — No Comments
** The clothes get a whole lot cleaner when you actually push the START button on the washing machine.
** If I had a dollar for every time my house is quiet, I still wouldn't have any money in my wallet.
** Sometimes being responsible is such a pain in my irresponsible ass.
** Adult-sized bodies do NOT fit in…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 14, 2012 at 3:00pm — No Comments
Our dog has earned many a nickname in his three years with the family -- Goatdog, asshole, jackass, dick. But the one name that kinda surprises me (especially given the fact that he body slammed himself through the friggin' front door) is WIMP. Yes, for some reason, the big lug turns into one giant wussbag when it comes to thunderstorms.
I've had to keep some exciting news under wraps for a while, but now I'm finally able to share it with y'all! I'm going to be on a t.v. show! That's nucking futs, right??!!
The show is going to be called "Mommy…Continue
** The silverware thief is at it again.
** It's hard to have an adult conversation when you see your kid making armpit farts out of the corner of your eye.
** Crying over spilled milk is totally justified when it's a mere millimeter from your laptop.
** If burping is the sign of a good meal, then snoring is surely the sign of a good…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 7, 2012 at 6:30pm — No Comments
Nothing really surprises me when it comes to my kids, but I seriously don't know what possesses them to do some of the crazy, stupid things they do. And sometimes, it's really really hard to be the parent and not laugh at those crazy, stupid things. (Cause let's be honest, some of them are pretty freaking hysterical!) The latest thing that made me go hmmm? My son decided…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 5, 2012 at 12:55pm — No Comments
** As predicted, back-to-school has totally kicked my ass up and down and all around.
** Always trust your gut. Unless it's telling you to eat a dozen donuts.
** My daughter's wreck of a room looks like a junk store had the stomach flu.
** Goatdog is evidently a HUGE fan of the food in the pantry.
** If I had…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on September 5, 2012 at 12:20pm — No Comments
** I often wonder whether I live in a house with two kids or a house with two pigs.
** Driving past a lemonade stand without stopping makes me feel guilty.
** I may or may not be a sucker.
** Gravity can kiss my ass (especially since it's responsible for knocking it down in the first place).
** Parenting without a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 24, 2012 at 1:42pm — No Comments
** I really need to fertilize my money tree cause damn, life is expensive right now.
** My kids purposely slow down to a turtle-like pace whenever I tell them to hurry up.
** When people say, "It can't get worse than this", it almost ALWAYS does.
** Listening to crap drip out of your kitchen ceiling is not a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 17, 2012 at 11:00am — No Comments
A little over a year ago, I had a momentary lapse in judgment. Yes, I allowed my daughter to get a pet guinea pig, which was clearly not the smartest decision I ever made, considering that we have a dog who likes to eat EVERYTHING under the sun. Miraculously, though, the pig and the pooch have somehow managed to co-exist relatively peacefully up until now. That…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 15, 2012 at 10:29am — No Comments
** Seeing his grandma in the buff apparently doesn't phase my son in the least.
** Hot flashes and sea sickness don't mix well with a pirate ship cruise.
** And just because it's a "pirate" cruise does not mean that Johnny Depp…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 13, 2012 at 10:08am — No Comments
** Summer really needs a speeding ticket.
** Inspirational quotes do nothing but piss me off when I'm in a crabby mood.
** The Olympics have evidently convinced my kids that there's a vault in our second floor hallway. (And I assure you there is not.)
** My brain has a serious case of the farts lately.
** The top of…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 3, 2012 at 10:53am — No Comments
I swear my husband gets his jollies by trying to embarrass the crap out of me. He's always enjoyed putting the car windows down and driving around our neighborhood with the radio blaring full blast. And believe me, I've seen many an eye roll from our fellow neighbors whenever we go thumping by. It makes me wanna slump down in the seat and pretend like I'm not really there, even…Continue
** I'm the only one here that seems to know that the floor is not a trash can.
** Shrinky Dinks may be the dumbest art project ever invented.
** I really don't need to know WHY there's a streak of poo on the side of the toilet.
** "Make Your Own Pizza Night" is really just my way of saying, "Fix Your Own Damn…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 27, 2012 at 6:21pm — No Comments
When I put my husband in charge of getting the kids somewhere, I can generally expect for at least a handful of important things to be completely forgotten. Try as he might, he just doesn't run through any sort of mental checklist before he races out the door. In fact, he's done this ever since the twins were little tiny babies, often leaving the house without so much as a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 24, 2012 at 10:14am — No Comments
** I am a chocolate chip cookie whore.
** Sinus headaches and motherhood go together about as well as flannel pajamas go with humidity.
** Meal plans that don't include chocolate or wine are clearly not the plans for me.
** Finding a store that still sells Excedrin Migraine is like finding the pot of gold at the end of a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 20, 2012 at 6:14pm — No Comments