** I really need to fertilize my money tree cause damn, life is expensive right now.
** My kids purposely slow down to a turtle-like pace whenever I tell them to hurry up.
** When people say, "It can't get worse than this", it almost ALWAYS does.
** Listening to crap drip out of your kitchen ceiling is not a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 17, 2012 at 11:00am — No Comments
A little over a year ago, I had a momentary lapse in judgment. Yes, I allowed my daughter to get a pet guinea pig, which was clearly not the smartest decision I ever made, considering that we have a dog who likes to eat EVERYTHING under the sun. Miraculously, though, the pig and the pooch have somehow managed to co-exist relatively peacefully up until now. That…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 15, 2012 at 10:29am — No Comments
** Seeing his grandma in the buff apparently doesn't phase my son in the least.
** Hot flashes and sea sickness don't mix well with a pirate ship cruise.
** And just because it's a "pirate" cruise does not mean that Johnny Depp…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 13, 2012 at 10:08am — No Comments
** Summer really needs a speeding ticket.
** Inspirational quotes do nothing but piss me off when I'm in a crabby mood.
** The Olympics have evidently convinced my kids that there's a vault in our second floor hallway. (And I assure you there is not.)
** My brain has a serious case of the farts lately.
** The top of…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on August 3, 2012 at 10:53am — No Comments
I swear my husband gets his jollies by trying to embarrass the crap out of me. He's always enjoyed putting the car windows down and driving around our neighborhood with the radio blaring full blast. And believe me, I've seen many an eye roll from our fellow neighbors whenever we go thumping by. It makes me wanna slump down in the seat and pretend like I'm not really there, even…Continue
** I'm the only one here that seems to know that the floor is not a trash can.
** Shrinky Dinks may be the dumbest art project ever invented.
** I really don't need to know WHY there's a streak of poo on the side of the toilet.
** "Make Your Own Pizza Night" is really just my way of saying, "Fix Your Own Damn…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 27, 2012 at 6:21pm — No Comments
When I put my husband in charge of getting the kids somewhere, I can generally expect for at least a handful of important things to be completely forgotten. Try as he might, he just doesn't run through any sort of mental checklist before he races out the door. In fact, he's done this ever since the twins were little tiny babies, often leaving the house without so much as a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 24, 2012 at 10:14am — No Comments
** I am a chocolate chip cookie whore.
** Sinus headaches and motherhood go together about as well as flannel pajamas go with humidity.
** Meal plans that don't include chocolate or wine are clearly not the plans for me.
** Finding a store that still sells Excedrin Migraine is like finding the pot of gold at the end of a…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 20, 2012 at 6:14pm — No Comments
I am more than grateful for the genius who came up with the idea for summer camp. Cause if my kids didn't have somewhere to go each and every day? They would surely have killed each other by now. However, as much as I like the idea…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 19, 2012 at 11:39am — No Comments
** My kids find dirt faster than a junkie finds smack.
** Movie popcorn always seems like a good idea at the time.
** A jackhammer at a Metallica concert would be quieter than some of the carpools I've driven.
** Canker sores and teeth are a HORRIBLE combination.
** The a-hole who's been trying to hack into…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 13, 2012 at 7:42pm — No Comments
One of my absolute favorite things to do with my kids is to read to them. Since I happen to have a borderline obsession with children's books, I get absolutely giddy when they want to share in my love of literature. That's why the bedtime story is one of my most treasured times of the day -- that is, until one of my twins decides to moon me right in the freakin' middle of…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 12, 2012 at 4:47pm — No Comments
As a parent, it's not only exhilarating but also necessary for survival to get away from your kids every now and then. Cause let's face it, as cute and as sweet as they are, they can be a giant pain in the ass. Am I right, or am I right? However, as much as I enjoy escaping them, I somehow find myself missing the little devils not too long after I'm gone. (Pathetic, I…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 10, 2012 at 10:46am — No Comments
** It really helps to have your eyes open while trying to drive.
** Sparklers just make everyone happy.
** My kids were no doubt fish in a former life.
** Laughing really hard with friends is a WAY better ab workout than doing boring old sit-ups by yourself.
** Bras and underwear should be outlawed in these…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 7, 2012 at 3:48pm — No Comments
** Girls and drama go together like humidity and swass.
** Try as I may, I just don't have the moves like Jagger.
** It's best to look at the toilet seat before sitting down, at least in my house anyway.
** Clearly, my kids wait till I've just changed their sheets to pee the bed.
** Drinking cheap wine after having…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 29, 2012 at 2:05pm — No Comments
This past weekend, some girlfriends and I had organized a fun night out in downtown Chicago. No husbands, no kids, just us girls kickin' it in the city. Unfortunately, though, our whole night was planned around a godforsaken musical that we'd bought tickets to see on LivingSocial. It was called, "Girls Night: The Musical" and promised to be a super fun mix of…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 28, 2012 at 12:34am — No Comments
** Octomom doing porn is the same as an old man doing naked jumping jacks — NOBODYwants to see that shit!!!!!
** Hearing your kids tell you that you’re beautiful is one of the greatest perks of parenting.
** Morgan Freeman…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 22, 2012 at 2:41pm — No Comments
So I got that old familiar pit in the bottom of my motherly stomach again yesterday. It happened when I dropped my son off for his first day of Sports Camp. Yes, it's that same ol' dreaded feeling I seem to get whenever I leave my timid little guy in a strange new environment. You see, unlike his mama, he's quite the shy type, and it takes every bit of my willpower not to play the…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 19, 2012 at 8:47pm — No Comments
** A successful night is when the Tooth Fairy remembers to do her duty AND even has change for a twenty! Holla!
** Nine year olds evidently need to be reminded not to stick jelly beans up their noses.
** It's amazing how a closed bathroom door means nothing to my kids until they're the ones behind it.
** I like road trips…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 15, 2012 at 11:28am — No Comments
As I've said before, I'm convinced that motherhood kills your brain cells. It's certainly done a number on my memory cause I can't seem to get anybody's name straight in my household. I don't know how the hell that Duggar family does it when I can't even keep track of the four of us!
Back when I was a teacher, I was…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 13, 2012 at 10:55am — No Comments
** Just so we're clear, I will still drink the wine if a fruit fly lands in my glass.
** The end of the school year is when all the crap that's been shoved into a tiny desk for nine months suddenly makes its way into your kitchen (or your trash).
** My son thinks I grew up in the early 1900's. Awesome.
** When you don't have…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 8, 2012 at 10:58am — No Comments