** My kids find dirt faster than a junkie finds smack.
** Movie popcorn always seems like a good idea at the time.
** A jackhammer at a Metallica concert would be quieter than some of the carpools I've driven.
** Canker sores and teeth are a HORRIBLE combination.
** The a-hole who's been trying to hack into…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 13, 2012 at 7:42pm — No Comments
One of my absolute favorite things to do with my kids is to read to them. Since I happen to have a borderline obsession with children's books, I get absolutely giddy when they want to share in my love of literature. That's why the bedtime story is one of my most treasured times of the day -- that is, until one of my twins decides to moon me right in the freakin' middle of…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 12, 2012 at 4:47pm — No Comments
As a parent, it's not only exhilarating but also necessary for survival to get away from your kids every now and then. Cause let's face it, as cute and as sweet as they are, they can be a giant pain in the ass. Am I right, or am I right? However, as much as I enjoy escaping them, I somehow find myself missing the little devils not too long after I'm gone. (Pathetic, I…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 10, 2012 at 10:46am — No Comments
** It really helps to have your eyes open while trying to drive.
** Sparklers just make everyone happy.
** My kids were no doubt fish in a former life.
** Laughing really hard with friends is a WAY better ab workout than doing boring old sit-ups by yourself.
** Bras and underwear should be outlawed in these…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on July 7, 2012 at 3:48pm — No Comments
** Girls and drama go together like humidity and swass.
** Try as I may, I just don't have the moves like Jagger.
** It's best to look at the toilet seat before sitting down, at least in my house anyway.
** Clearly, my kids wait till I've just changed their sheets to pee the bed.
** Drinking cheap wine after having…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 29, 2012 at 2:05pm — No Comments
This past weekend, some girlfriends and I had organized a fun night out in downtown Chicago. No husbands, no kids, just us girls kickin' it in the city. Unfortunately, though, our whole night was planned around a godforsaken musical that we'd bought tickets to see on LivingSocial. It was called, "Girls Night: The Musical" and promised to be a super fun mix of…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 28, 2012 at 12:34am — No Comments
** Octomom doing porn is the same as an old man doing naked jumping jacks — NOBODYwants to see that shit!!!!!
** Hearing your kids tell you that you’re beautiful is one of the greatest perks of parenting.
** Morgan Freeman…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 22, 2012 at 2:41pm — No Comments
So I got that old familiar pit in the bottom of my motherly stomach again yesterday. It happened when I dropped my son off for his first day of Sports Camp. Yes, it's that same ol' dreaded feeling I seem to get whenever I leave my timid little guy in a strange new environment. You see, unlike his mama, he's quite the shy type, and it takes every bit of my willpower not to play the…
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 19, 2012 at 8:47pm — No Comments
** A successful night is when the Tooth Fairy remembers to do her duty AND even has change for a twenty! Holla!
** Nine year olds evidently need to be reminded not to stick jelly beans up their noses.
** It's amazing how a closed bathroom door means nothing to my kids until they're the ones behind it.
** I like road trips…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 15, 2012 at 11:28am — No Comments
As I've said before, I'm convinced that motherhood kills your brain cells. It's certainly done a number on my memory cause I can't seem to get anybody's name straight in my household. I don't know how the hell that Duggar family does it when I can't even keep track of the four of us!
Back when I was a teacher, I was…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 13, 2012 at 10:55am — No Comments
** Just so we're clear, I will still drink the wine if a fruit fly lands in my glass.
** The end of the school year is when all the crap that's been shoved into a tiny desk for nine months suddenly makes its way into your kitchen (or your trash).
** My son thinks I grew up in the early 1900's. Awesome.
** When you don't have…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 8, 2012 at 10:58am — No Comments
If you have a kid in any kind of organized sport, then you've most likely witnessed some pretty awful sportsmanship at one time or another. It's bad enough when it's another kid displaying the rotten behavior, but when it's an adult? Well, that's just the lowest of the low. And this past weekend I had the misfortune of observing THE most jack asinine…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 6, 2012 at 5:23pm — No Comments
** If I had a dollar for every item on my to-do list, I could pay someone to do all the items on my to-do list.
** I'd like to punch my 40-year-old hormones in the face.
** Bringing a bag of Starburst into this house is like tossing a chicken into a lion's den.
** The penis enlargement emails I keep getting are totally helpful for…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on June 1, 2012 at 12:02pm — No Comments
If I'm the self-proclaimed Queen of Attracting Stupid Situations, then my husband is without a doubt the King of Attracting Stupid Situations. (Not sure what that says about us being attracted to each other, but anyway.....) I swear, between the two of us, we are an accident waiting to happen at any given moment. The latest case in point? This past weekend when…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 30, 2012 at 5:04pm — No Comments
** If a black cat runs in front of you, just pretend like it didn't.
** Kids ask why even when they don't give a rat's ass about the answer.
** You know times are tough when Dee Snider is doing…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 25, 2012 at 1:25pm — No Comments
My kids are getting to that dreaded age where every flippin' weekend they beg for a sleepover. As soon as school gets out on Friday, they start hittin' me up for a party in their pj's. And I don't know about you, but I am not a big fan of the sleepover, mainly because it ends up biting ME in the ass the next day.
Now my son is not really the issue, since he…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 23, 2012 at 3:39pm — No Comments
** The self-checkout lanes at the grocery store are no place for morons.
** Wednesday evening was evidently "Be An Asshole" night at my house. (I didn't get the memo.)
** It's impossible NOT to smile when you see a dog hanging out a car window, beard blowing in the breeze.
** My son claims to "love being…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 18, 2012 at 11:39am — No Comments
The mystery of how I can wanna squeeze and hug our beastly goof of a dog one minute and then release him to a pack of hungry grizzlies the next continues to baffle me. Yes, Goatdog is doing his damnedest to make sure that our love-hate relationship doesn't die out too quickly. Sometimes he's my big, furry buddy, and then other times, he's a prickly thorn in my side…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 17, 2012 at 3:19pm — No Comments
After celebrating Mother's Day this past weekend, I'm not afraid to toot my own horn and say that my kids are huge fans of their mama. In fact, my poor husband is often shoved to the side when it comes to which parent they prefer. And as hunky dory as this all may sound in theory, it isn't always sunshine and roses.
For example, I could be all the way…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 15, 2012 at 11:02am — No Comments
** I like electricity.
** Mondays are like a zit on your chin that won't go away.
** Politics are so freaking political.
** My kids could be drawing on their walls with Sharpies at bedtime, but as long as they stay in their rooms, I really wouldn't care.
** Nothing makes you prouder than your son yelling from the…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on May 11, 2012 at 11:50am — No Comments