It's so hard to believe that this month celebrates THREE awesome years of writing my little Nucking Futs Mama blog. This right here is my 642nd published post, y'all! Holy crap, that's a lot of rambling, isn't it??!
And since there's no red carpet roll-out or awards show ceremony to commemorate this monumental occasion (*snark*),…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 31, 2012 at 10:58am — No Comments
** Your cabin fever's reached Code Red when you're jealous of the squirrels outside breathing in all that fresh, freezing cold air.
** Trying to work a crossword puzzle when you're tired just makes you feel stupid. And tired.
** I've washed my hands so many times over the past few days that I may no longer have fingerprints.
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 27, 2012 at 10:32am — No Comments
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the dreadful toll motherhood has taken on my sleeping patterns. Little by little, I'm starting to realize that this sleep deprivation shit is just a never-ending, vicious cycle that nobody ever REALLY tells you about. Evidently, it never really goes away but just presents itself in different forms along the way, starting from the time…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 25, 2012 at 10:17am — No Comments
** An Eskimo is something I could never ever be.
** You know it's cold when the geese are saying "Let's get the HELL outta here!!!!" as they fly overhead.
** I need a restraining order for the insomnia that continues to stalk me.
** Trying to get a third grader to work on a research project is about as easy as trying to get a mime…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 20, 2012 at 10:17am — No Comments
Do you ever wanna just walk away from your kids in public and act like you don't know who the hell they are? No? Surely that's not just me. Call me Mommy Dearest if you will, but when my kids have a brain fart and act like complete Neanderthals who've never heard of manners, I sometimes think it would be easier to point and stare and pretend like I'm disgusted by the horrible excuse…
** Skinny celebrities who say they get their cardio by "chasing their kids around" are more full of shit than my backyard.
** I don't have a few new leaves to turn over -- I have a whole damn PILE.
** Victoria's Secret catalogs that arrive in the dead of January when we're all a little heftier from the holidays can suck…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 13, 2012 at 11:22am — No Comments
I may not know what the hell I'm doing half the time with this whole parenting gig, but one thing that I have learned from experience is to trust my gut when it comes to my kids. (After all, they're the ones who are responsible for making it a lot less flat than it used to be). So if my gut is telling me that my daughter is, in fact, sick, I'm sure as shit gonna listen to…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 10, 2012 at 10:57am — No Comments
** If a day ever went by where a kid HADN'T peed on a toilet seat here, I'd swear I was in the wrong house.
** I seriously could not be more unorganized.
** Everybody needs a mental health day. (Still waiting impatiently to cash in on mine....)
** Homework supervision is totally interfering with my tweeting and…Continue
The older I get, the more I realize that New Year's Eve is totally overrated. I mean, seriously, what's the point of getting all dolled up to spend a shit-ton of money to fight a bunch of annoying crowds to risk being hit by a drunk driver and to then be disappointed that the night wasn't nearly as fabulous as you'd hoped it would be? That's why my husband and I made the executive decision many moons ago to just stay home and have our own little family party to ring in the new…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on January 4, 2012 at 10:48am — No Comments
** My son likes to make his penis talk. (Don't ask.)
** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.
** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.
** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.
** You can never ever hug your kids too much.
** When life hands you…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 31, 2011 at 1:07pm — No Comments
** Once again, I have no desire to go out and get all crazy on New Year's Eve. (I'd rather do it the night BEFORE New Year's Eve.)
** Christmas cookies seriously kicked my ass this year.
** Trying to write with a house full of people is like trying to have sex with a house full of people (uh....not that I would know or…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 30, 2011 at 12:07pm — No Comments
Remember that story a few weeks ago when we lost the mother fucking Elf on the Shelf, and I was all panicked that it might be the last Christmas for believing in Santa in my household? Well, it saddens me beyond words, but I'm pretty sure the jig is up (at…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 29, 2011 at 12:13pm — No Comments
The other day I sent out a tweet that could quite possibly be misconstrued as naughty by nature -- I said something to the effect of "My husband's Jolly Juice is a-flowing". Now many of you may have thought that this was some sort of sexual reference (cause let's be honest, usually it is), but surprisingly, this time, it was actually a very innocent comment referring to a new cocktail recipe that I found recently and somehow persuaded my husband to whip up for our friends and…Continue
** These people are driving me nuts. And by people, I mean my family.
** Holiday shoppers are complete assholes.
** My to-do list is evidently not gonna write itself.
** It's also not going to do itself either.
** Cleaning is clearly a complete waste of my time.
** There's something pretty freaking…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 23, 2011 at 1:24pm — No Comments
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our pad,
Every creature was stirring, being exceptionally bad.
The stockings were hung too close to the floor,
And Goatdog was eating each one that he tore.
The twins were bouncing off the walls in their…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 22, 2011 at 5:22pm — No Comments
I swear my blog pretty much writes itself with the ridiculous things that continuously happen to me. And good old Goatdog is often at the center of the craziness that provides such good writing material. Remember last week when he charged right through the glass on the front door of our house? Well, the big furry bastard actually topped that little stunt over the weekend,…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 20, 2011 at 9:22am — No Comments
** The next time my kids PROMISE me they'll stay in bed if I read just one more itty bitty chapter, I'll know they're totally full of shit.
** Screw Santa -- MOMS are the ones who need elves!!!!
** No matter how many times I return it to the basement, an Australian boomerang keeps reappearing on my kitchen…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 16, 2011 at 10:22am — No Comments
You know you're up a shit creek when your kid comes out of a public bathroom after ten LONG minutes and says, "Uh, can you come in here and help me, Mama?" You might as well just take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves, and prepare for the worst. I speak from experience because I dealt with this very same scenario over the weekend when I secured my status…Continue
** Skid marks can suck it.
** If you can drive five REALLY loud eight-year-old girls without wrecking the car, you can do just about anything.
** I think I'm gonna make it easier on myself and just give everyone access to my bank account this Christmas.
** Stupidity is what makes the world go round (or at least it seems…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 9, 2011 at 11:19am — No Comments
WARNING: ** Look away if you don't like an occasional f-bomb every now and then. Cause in this case? It just couldn't be helped. (Sorry, Mom and Dad....) **
Every year our "Elf on the Shelf" tradition brings me a combination of both…Continue
Added by Jennifer Marshall on December 7, 2011 at 10:21am — No Comments