Original Posting at NewlyParents.com

Pregnant BellyJust like my pregnancy, yours is bound to be full of embarrassing issues and moments as well. Today I read an article about the 20 Most Embarrassing Pregnancy Problems at www.parents.com. If you're anything like me, your friends that have already had babies might tell you of their pregnancy problems and you'll find that they didn't have any of the issues you've had or vice versa. So today I thought I would take a moment to go through this Top 20 list and give you an idea of what I'm going through. For the details of why you're having these symptoms, check out the link above.

1.) I've been so gassy and burpy lately!

Noooo kidding! At times it makes me sooo miserable. Early on in the pregnancy my 10 week baby bump looked like a 20 week baby bump. I eat Rolaids like they are candy (Husband thinks they are candy and always wants one too). As surprising (and gross) as it sounds, I've also cleared him out of the room on numerous occasions. I view it as payback for all the times he has grossed me out. If you really want to take advantage of it, do it right beside him in a department store and then walk away. Everyone looks and blames him.

2.) I have a dark line running down the center of my belly, and my nipples are a lot darker too.

Nope, not really. Knock on wood.

3.) I'm constipated!

Ugh, yes! Which is weird. How can a person be full of so much gas yet be so constipated? I eat Fiber One or Raisin Nut Bran cereal every morning for breakfast and I eat plenty of vegtables. The only thing I don't do that is recommended is drinking plenty of water. I'm just not very thirsty. Sometimes a walk around the neighborhood helps shake things loose, other times it does nothing. I'm pretty much convinced that it is what it is and you just have to deal with it. On the flip side, there are other times when all of the sudden you have to go and you better pull this car over into a gas station right now or we are going to have a very unpleasant roadtrip!

4.) My nipples are so itchy!

Nope!

5.) I get sudden sharp pains in my groin.

Aaahhh round ligament pains. They are never very far away. They typically make their presence known when I stand up too fast or get out of bed to go pee in the middle of the night (for the billionth time). Other times they come when I'm sitting on the couch doing nothing. Imagine a person twisting your muscles as if they were ringing out a towel. There's your round ligament pains and they suck!

6.) I've been throwing up everywhere.

Oh no! *Where's some wood? Knock knock* Not once during the last 25 weeks have I been sick. There have been a couple "almost" moments where I thought I might get sick, but nothing ever came of it. Over the weekend the smell of garlic bread almost made me lose it, but I hate the smell of garlic anyway so I don't equate that with pregnancy.

7.) When I sneeze, cough or laugh, a little pee leaks out.

No sneeze pees here. When I sneeze or cough I do see Mr. Round Ligaments ugly face appear (also dubbed Ron Burgandy by my husband because he thought they were called Ron Ligament). With every sneeze or cough the pain comes and while wincing in pain I say, "Oooooh the baby did not like that!". I think I'd rather pee myself a little than face round ligament pains.

pregnant-sex8.) I'm never in the mood for sex anymore. Ever.

That's not really the case. I would say I'm rarely in the mood for sex. Usually when it does happen it's when I first wake up to get ready for work and Husband is still sleeping at 5am. So there is none of that happening at that time of day.

9.) I'm always in the mood for sex!

HA! Not even close.

10.) I'm breaking out like a teenager!

I HATE this one. You name a place to get a blemish (that's the only word my husband is allowed to use) and I have them there. My face, my neck, my back, my butt (what?!). Is it possible for a blemish to get a blemish? I've probably got that too! I hate, hate, HATE it!

11.) My crazy dreams are starting to freak me out.

My crazy dreams don't freak me out, they are just filled with weird random crap. Like the other night I was on a game show where I had 20 minutes to style a persons hair. When they took off their hat they had red hair and I refused to work on anyone that had red hair. So I stood there for 20 minutes not doing hair and lost the game. Don't worry, all the contestants got a copy of the home game so all was well.

12.) I've been having very sexy dreams -- about my ex-boyfriend!

I wouldn't call them sexy dreams, more like rendezvous dreams. I've had dreams where I run into exes but there is no sex (even my subconscious won't cheat on my husband). I ran into them at random, cliche places like the bookstore or coffee shops. Which is weird because I never go to coffee shops, ever. I typically don't remember anything by the time I wake up. Shows you how much they mean, right?

13.) Um, I think I have hemorrhoids.

Nope, gross. Knocking on wood though.

14.) I've been noticing a lot of milky discharge down there.

G.A.C. (Guilty As Charged). Cotton panties or a panty liner are a must.

15.) My breasts are leaking!

Pfft! No! Look at these things, they haven't even grown! I thought I was supposed to have grown three of four bra sizes by now. Not one bit! Lame.

16.) My belly button is sticking out -- it looks weird when I wear tight tops!

My husband says I'm an alien now. Here's why: My belly button originally wasn't very deep like a traditional belly button, it was very shallow. So as my belly has grown my innie hasn't turned into an outie. Instead it's a "flatty". Completely flush with my belly. I'm only at 25 weeks so I suppose there is still time for it to "pop" but I'm expecting to keep my flatty, as he likes to call it.

17.) I'm terrified that my water will break in public.

I am too. Knowing me I will be getting groceries at Wal-Mart and I'll be in the middle of the aisle when my water breaks. I would like my water breaking to come in the evening when I am at home with my husband. Not at work, not at Wal-Mart and as we tell the cat, "Not on the carpet!".

18.) All eyes will be focused down there -- should I shave or wax before my due date?

There is no way on God's green earth that I am waxing. However, I feel obliged to trim the bushes because I feel bad that whoever is going to be down there will be staring at it a while. The only problem is, I can't reach down there anymore. So by now, you should have your husband trained to do whatever you need in your pregnancy and what husband would complain about this task?! If this should become sexual in nature then well, just refer back to number #8 and #9 and depending on your answer, let the good times roll!

19.) I'm scared that my husband won't want to have sex with me after he sees me give birth.

Terrified! That is why I have the shoulder rule during the delivery. He must remain at my shoulder at all times. If he crosses down to south of border to watch anything, he's finished.

20.) I'm so nervous about pooping on the delivery table.

Pregnancy
Let's go back to the constipation question. When you're that backed up, it's gotta come out eventually and what could be a more inconvenient time than delivery. Also another good reason for the shoulder rule. No one wants to see a #2 up close and personal and if you do, please stop reading this blog, you're making it feel dirty. At one of the baby classes, an older lady asked about enemas before the delivery. Our hospitals don't do that anymore but she said you could do one at home before you come to the hospital if you wanted. The nurses suggestion? "We've seen it all and it doesn't bother anyone. It's no big deal." Just remember, Everyone Poops!

So there you go. The Top 20 pregnancy concerns and my reaction to them along the way. If you have/had your own reactions to any of these, feel free to share.

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