I have been working hard at trying to keep several truths in the forefront of my mind and soul. These truths are that my husband loves me. My husband is so very unabashedly shameful and sorry for the pain he has caused me and has tried every way and every day to show how sorry he is and how much he loves me.
The painful truth that I am trying to keep OUT of my heart and soul are the facts that while I forgave him, I am still deeply and terribly hurt by his actions. I am having a very hard time letting go of the pain. I walk around in a numb fog wrestling with my thoughts and pain. I can't seem to get to a place in my heart and in my soul to be free of this pain.
So, I have been getting through my days, by not talking about my silent inner sufferings, by trying to let go of the pain and by trying desperately to hold on to the truth and depth of love that my husband has for me. Why is this so hard?
Here are 5 signs that people are taking notice that I am falling apart on this inside:
- My boss casually mentioned (in a very tactful way so that I would not bludgeon him with a stapler) that he has noticed that my head seems to be sprouting 5 new gray hairs a day and maybe he will give me a bonus so that I can treat myself to a trip to the beauty salon for a dye job to cover them up. Two months later I received a bonus.
- I switched primary care doctors and during the middle of my first appointment, my new doctor asked me about if I thought I would benefit from an antidepressant and that he would be more than willing to prescribe me anything I would be comfortable with. Normally, I would run away, screaming and thinking that this doctor is a happy prescriber. But the sad truth is that he is actually the 5th doctor who has pleaded with me to consider taking some form of antidepressant/anti anxiety to help me.
- The first doctor was my cardiologist (because while clinically I have no good reason to suffer from high blood pressure, my bp is very high.)
- The second doctor was my GYN - she had asked me how I manage my PMS and I told her that it wasn't that bad. It's just that for about 1 week a month I want to chop off my husband's head, stick it in the freezer and then defrost it and give it back to him when I am over my PMS.
- Our marriage counselor suggested that I might benefit from some kind of an anti-something pill.
- My dentist said that I grind my teeth awfully bad at night. Grinding teeth is often seen in people with high anxiety and an antidepressant could potentially save me dental work in the long run.
- So here I am at my new primary care and agrees that there is no reason for my high blood pressure and is offering me an array of drugs. He then suggested that I consider some form of stress relief such as mediation, prayer, deep breathing, etc... I asked, "Do you thing yoga would help?" He replied, "Yoga would be great except, you are too tense and stiff to try to even consider trying to get into any yoga poses. Start simple, go see a chiropractor to loosen you up, then in a few months, you can give yoga a try. Oy vey!
- I recently ran into a fellow I haven't seen in about a year or two. This fellow is about 10 years my senior and I have known him essentially all of my life. As a teenager and young woman, I had a secret crush on him although he was so much older than I. I was sooooo not his type, but he was just so darn cute. Anyway, we run into each other from time to time and have little chats and then move on. Recently I spotted him at a party and approached him with a smile and open arms for a quick hug. He smiled in recognition and greeted me warmly. He extended his arms for an embrace and says, "Wow, Anne, you look so great!" As we embrace I whisper, "Ummm, noooo, I am Kate. Anne is my mom." We step back, he looks at me blinks, raises his eyebrows and gushes, "I am so sorry, I thought you were your mother." I shot back, "Wow...but thanks for the compliment...I think. Now won't you please excuse me. I need to find a carpet to hide under." PS - I am so totally over my crush.
Now, I must digress and explain that my mom is pretty hot for a 60+ year old woman with a hoard of children and married to the same man for 40+ years. My mom would totally win one of those "Mrs. America Beauty Pageants." She did win a beauty contest when she was a teenager and was crowned the beauty queen of 196? My point is that my mom really does look fabulous for her age, and I do hope to look as good as she does when I get to be her age. But I am not her age right now.
So as hard as I am trying to keep it together. My heartbreak is manifesting itself throughout my body. Yes, it is literally seeping out of my pores.
The saving grace is that at least when I am at my kids school or picking them up at a party, no one is announcing, "Hey kids, you grandma is here to pick you up."