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5 Ways To Set Healthy Boundaries

Some People Just Aren't Worth Your Time

It isn't always apparent right when you meet people if you can fully trust them or not. Some people put on a great facade and you can't always see them for who/what they really are. It may take time to see through the fakeness to the deeper side, which usually isn't pretty. People tend to hide the not-so-great things about themselves because they fear that they won't be liked. If you're generally negative, rude and extremely bitter about life in general, most people won't want to be around you. You will attract others like you, but that's about it.

These people aren't worth your time, unless you enjoy being brought down by others. This isn't great for your mental health. How do you set boundaries and cut these people out of your life if you need to?

Relationships need boundaries 

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are good. They help you feel a bit safer in your surroundings and relationships with others. They also give you a bit more confidence when you may need it. They do not appear overnight and do require a bit of time to develop.

  • Determine what your limits are- what you will and will not deal with. Everyone has their limits, and should not be surpassed. That is seriously unhealthy, and can become potentially dangerous.
  • Be direct. When speaking to someone about their inexcusable behavior towards you, being direct is the best way to go. They will realize at some point that you're being serious (even if you haven't before) and that while not being rude, you are setting some sort of boundary. Remind them of past events if needed. It may help them realize the damage that has occurred.
  • Resist arguments. One of the main goal of setting boundaries is to have a conversation, not an argument. It may get hard, but this can be done without fighting. Sometimes this requires a break and coming back to the discussion- this is okay. Just make sure you come back to it.
  • Take some space. Sometimes people need space after discussing things, either before things go bad and arguments occur, or afterwards to reflect and maybe think things out. Either is good.
  • Saying NO is good. Some people have a serious issue with saying "no" to others and this can become a bigger issue than anticipated. Making others happy is a good thing, but what happens when you become unhappy because you don't have time to make yourself happy? That isn't being selfish, it's a matter of your health. Many don't realize this is also a boundary issue. Start small on this one.

Those who truly want the best for you and care about you will respect the boundaries you set and adjust to the changes. Those who don't? They may not need to be in your life and you might want to consider cutting them out of your life.

Looking out

Using the Scissors

In 2015, I lost someone I loved, quit my job and lost a handful of friends in the space of 2 days. That's a lot. It took a lot of therapy to deal with that. It took that death to fully open my eyes to who I was spending a lot of time with. I was going out a lot with a small group of my co-workers. I already didn't like one, so I stayed away from her when I could. The others had their own things I didn't like about them, but they were generally a ton of fun.

What happened when I needed them the most?

They completely flipped on me. I was told some super nasty things and I didn't take it well. I never went back to that job (except to get my things and write a note to my manager to tell her I wasn't coming back and why. The online exit survey was a blast.) and in my efforts to cut people out of my life, my Facebook block list is about 100 people strong. I blocked those "friends" and anyone that associates with them because I didn't want anyone to tell them how I was doing while getting my life back together. My Facebook remains on very private settings. That story is also told through a filter of grief, and grief will make you do a lot of things.

How do you say goodbye to people that aren't good for you? In my case, I literally cut people off without a second thought. It was the best option at the time and as of yet, one person has tried to approach me on a different social media site. She was immediately blocked. I don't suggest this option unless it is something extreme, like if you are in immediate danger or in a situation I was in. If you are honestly okay with cutting people off this way, then go for it. I'd love to hear your story. Send me an email, PM, or leave a comment.

Otherwise, I suggest something a bit gentler- like an email, text or a phone call. Maybe an in person meet up if you're comfortable and you know nothing will go bad, as in someone getting aggressive. I'm all for people settling things peacefully. In the email, text, etc. try to sound as non-judgmental, mean, as possible. Things can get lost in translation. Just explain how you feel about the situation and that you feel that there is a need for a break in the friendship/relationship either for a certain period of time or permanently. If in person, let the conversation go naturally, because both of you know why you are there. Just be ready for an exit if things don't go in the direction you plan for.

Hopefully you can come to peace with letting go of people that aren't healthy for you. It will be a good thing in the long run. Your circle may be smaller but it will be stronger.

Pics courtesy of Pinterest and Unsplash

If you have not already, please see my blog series with Bonnie Price. Part Two is Broken Wings Part 2: Divorce Preparations with a link to Part One in the post. Thanks!

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