So, there is something that is a huge part of my life these days that I was not sure if I wanted to publish in a blog... but last night I realized that it truly and irrevocably impacts who I am, so I need to include it here....
I am in a 12 step program for addiction... my particular vice is not really important to share, and since they are supposed to be annonymous, I will keep that private for now.
But last night was an amazing meeting for me....
There was a new man there... his first meeting after 40 years of addiction... his wife was with him and she looked like she was barely holding it together..
Since there was a "newbie" people shared stories about their rock bottom and what actually propelled them through the meeting doors.
I had not shared that since my first night there, and I cried, and cried... just thinking about the devastation to my family, the financial situation that resulted from making my addiction my top priority... the nights I could not sleep... the days I spent thinking about how to commit suicide so it would look like an accident so my family could collect the life insurance money... the hours I have spent wishing there was a way to truly make amends for everything I have done... How do I apologize enough to my teenaged son for yelling at him for no reason... for being distant because I was absorbed by my own demons? And my little boy, there are milestones I did not celebrate because I was too caught up in my problems... Did I hurt them more than they will ever say?
And my husband... why am I not divorced? Really, he has every reason to wash his hands of me, but instead he made sure I had a support system.. he makes sure I don't miss a meeting... he keeps a close eye on me so I do not slip back into my old patterns... its honestly more than I deserve.
So last night, remembering it all... sharing it with a new member and people who were not at my first meeting just brought it all back.. and I think I needed it to.
Today I have 173 days.. and I have hope, and I have a future, and I have a better outlook than I have had for more than 7 years.
When I share at a meeting I talk about the ups and downs, the easy stuff.. and I never said I was in recovery... somehow I did not think I had earned the right to use that term. But today, I feel different, I feel like I am in recovery and it feels like I have made a huge step towards being the person I want to be... some day I will be the wife my husband deserves, the Mom my boys deserve and the friend my friends deserve...
So this is me... figuratively naked before you, but not ashamed anymore... instead I am determined to close this last chapter and start writing a new page.
I hope you come back!