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Damn the holidays. My yo-yo weight is cycling downward once again, but it's not happening nearly fast enough. I can only get my cute velvet party pants up to my knees, which spells Christmas trouble with a capital T. Christmas is not the same without my party pants. Last week I was finally reduced to purchasing a fluffy black turtleneck from the Gap to hide my gigantic ass. My self-esteem is spiraling downward at a rapid clip which sounds much like BB gun fired right at my eye.

At least long, butt-covering stuff is in this season. It's been entirely too long with the skin-tight micro-fiber, which leaves nothing to the imagination and everything pointing to the rolls of muffin top you can see perfectly outlined through the skimpy fabric. Though, this year I can't wear the new fun sweater style with the tight empire waist and a large button situated under your breasts. It only succeeds in making me look like a pregnant 12-year-old and not at all like the rail thin models who pose so glamorously in them in every store window across America. When the average person cannot look good in a particular style, it should be outlawed. I can't help it if I'm 38 with big boobs. Unfair.

I had slimmed down this summer for my dreaded 20th high school reunion in late July, and then made up for it by shoveling handfuls of peanut M&M's in my mouth upon night's end, "Nice to see you everyone! I'll just be taking these candy dishes home with me. Bah-bye!"

I mostly ate the M&M's because I was starving, but also and more importantly, because I was super pissed that I frittered away my summer not being able to sample the wears. Nope, I'll pass on the margaritas and cheese dip, just pass me a plain water and a carrot stick. Nope, no hamburger and fires fresh off the grill, I'll just take some plain lettuce and a side of soy sauce.

Summer is the time to eat, right? It says so right on our gene strands. We need to bulk up for the upcoming winter months, when game is hard to trap and the grains run low. That or we die a suffering death of starvation. I swear my body remembers that code and urges me on every summer without my knowledge nor my consent.

My summer diet of sunflower seeds and whisky was taking its toll.

Was it worth it in the end? Hell yes. A guy who I had a crush on for 27 years told me I was still hot. That alone made my summer anorexia worth while.

But now I have some damage control to attend to. My mornings are filled with diet yogurt and my nights are filled with granola bars dipped in a bit of gravy, because really, a girl's got to have some fun. In addition to my winter slim down, I've tried to wean myself off of diet coke. A lethal combo in any book at the best time of year.

I had no choice, because my children were starting to get a bit worried and were saying things like, "Mommy, are you sure it's okay to have 23 diet cokes in one day? You said we can only have one soda, but only at a special party."

At the end of the business day the amount of empty diet coke cans on my desk rivaled a house of cards, stacked precariously on end and right up to the ceiling. So it was more than enough time to take some control. Plus, I had to prove to them that bad addictions can be broken, so when I yank away my daughter's favorite blanket I can tell her with some authority to Buck It Up. If I can sever the tie of a hardened caffeine addiction bundled in a sweet yummy package, you can loose that blanket in a heartbeat. Quit crying, at least you don't have the shakes.

My caffeine headache lasted for 2 solid days. I detoxed on the couch in front of the Price is Right. Drew Carey's actually pretty good.

So, onward with the drudgery of weigh loss. Only to finally get to the pinnacle day and eat like a horse, a horse who would eat her own feet if they weren't attached and too cumbersome to get to. See men, this is what it's like to be a lady. It's hard and it's sucky and it makes us grumpy. We wear high heels which kill our feet, we style up our tresses, we buy enough make-up to make-up the whole world, and for what?

Thanks for the great address book and coffee mug, they're just what I wanted.

I love Christmas.

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