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My friend will soon be hosting a “sprinkle” for her friend, who is having her third boy. I had not heard the term "sprinkle" before, but I guess this is used for subsequent children, rather than the full-out shower for the first bundle of joy. So I guess it's like, less gifts, maybe less games and less cake? I don't know. But that got me to thinking, how many kids does it take, really, to merit a sprinkle? Just three? What about like, 6, 10, or 18 even? Wow, I am not the kind of woman that could take on 18 kids. Even my sprinkle would be a disaster. It would go something like this...


The scene:

A beautiful spring afternoon, around 2 pm. Hostess has decorated the living room with balloons and streamers, and appetizers surround the delicious white cake topped with tons of scrumptious frosting flowers.

2:15 – I show up. I take one look at the cake and ask, “where is my donut?”

Hostess says, “donut?”

I say, “yeah, that thing I sit on…I have only had 17 kids, ya know!”

There is no donut for me to sit on. She forgot it, not me. I am angry and want cake.

2:30 – Guests start showing up, I am eyeing the cake.

2:45 – Everyone tells me how cute I am and how excited they are that my 18th child is coming soon. My eyes roll back into my head and I pass out briefly, and I then grab 5 deviled eggs from the table and stick them in my pocket.

2:50 – The Hostess announces that everyone can start eating the hor de’oeuvres. I take the eggs out of my pocket and start eating.

3:00 - 3:20 – I am cornered by a guest…

Guest: “HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!”

Me: “Hi?”

Guest: “Remember me?”

Me: “Ummmm…”

Guest: “Yeah…our kids go to school together?”

Me: “OK…which kid and which school? I have 5 kids at one school, 6 at another, 4 at home and 2 working to help pay for my boob job and tummy tuck. It’s their fault ya know…”

Guest:: “Uhhhhh, Jacob, I think…is that his name? What are their names?”

Me: [sigh] “John, Jacob, Jingleheimer, Schmidt, Sawyer, Kate, Jack, Juliette, Locke, Hurley, Ginger Spice, Mary-Kate & Ashley, BoyD, Daughtery, Hey You, Pax-il, and Tax-Break.

Guest: “Uh, wow. Those are interesting names. You must have your hands full!”

Me: “Where’s the cake?”

3:25 – I am standing next to the cake, when another person approaches me.

Guest: “HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!”

Me: “Do I know you?”

Guest: “Silly, it’s me, Marie! Your neighbor?”

Me: “Oh sorry! You know how breast feeding sucks the brains out of your head. I have been nursing non stop for almost half my life.”

Guest: “So is this the last baby for you and your husband?”

Me: “Husband? Is he here? HIDE ME! Please! I don’t want to be closer than three feet from him!”

Guest: “Wow…I don’t think he’ll see you behind the eggs…did he put you up to all these kids?”

Me: “Well, he knocked me up with all these kids, but, it’s not him, it’s me. He is SO hot. I can’t restrain myself when I am around him…” [Marie quickly walks away]

3:30 to 4:00 – A whole bunch of games are played that I don’t care about. I fall asleep.

4:05 – I start opening gifts.

Guest: “Oh! All those diapers are from me. Funny story though! I had your registry and the list said Depends. Glad I know better and got you diapers instead! HAHAHAHA!”

Me: “No Depends?”

Guest: “Umm…”

Me: “Lame. Now I have to go buy some. Please...just breathing makes me pee.”

4:20 – I have opened all the gifts and am about to devour the cake when The Hostess starts cutting it up to serve.

Me: “I want pieces with edges only. In fact I want the whole perimeter of the cake. Just cut out the center and give me the perimeter. And all the flowers too. Now.”

Hostess: “Awww is this all for your family?”

Me: “Are you NUTS? In the past 18 years I have had 4 hours of sleep, have ONLY been out of the house 24 times for my showers/sprinkles and to give birth, nursed enough to fill a dairy plant, have taken 15 showers, changed 82, 945 diapers, given 60,000 baths, wiped 17 noses 5, 248 times, eaten nothing but cold meals, if I eat at all. I use tape to keep body parts from dragging on the floor, forgotten what sunlight feels like, AND I have had sex only 18 times which is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay not enough for the price I pay! The only way I get to have fabulous white sheet cake with tons of frosting, AND eat it too, is to attack my husband, get pregnant, and have a sprinkle so I am GONNA EAT ALL THIS CAKE RIGHT NOW!!”

Hostess: “I think your reasoning is flawed…”

Me : “Oh no, it isn’t. The cake is so worth it.”

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Comment by Alexes Covington on May 2, 2009 at 10:07am
Do YOU have an actual blog somewhere else or do you just write here! You are awesome BTW!
Comment by Alexes Covington on May 2, 2009 at 10:01am
THIS is HILARIOUS!!!! Does this person have a blog???? So funny I want to share it with ALL my blogger friends! Very insightful and freaking hilarious. Thanks for writing!!! I shared it on my Facebook page! Awesome!

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