A Note To Myself - After a Pregnancy Loss

The following is a note I wrote to myself on October 5th, 2007, 5 months after we lost our little girl Tobee at 5 months into the pregnancy.  I re-read this today while going over some of my notes in an attempt to remember her, the 5 months she was growing inside of me, and the 5 months of ups and downs hoping every time we had an ultrasound (and we had a lot) that her heartbeat was stronger and she was growing bigger and catching up.  Sadly after years of infertility and finally getting pregnant we lost her on June 2, 2007.  I admit that I am sitting here today after all our Valentine morning hoopla with the kids and I can’t help but think of her and if she were here with us today she would be turning 5 this year!  

A Note To Myself:

Today I watch you cry, I see your sadness and try to avoid the reasons why.  I want to be there for you but I can’t figure out how to separate the two.  I don’t know how to be the strong one when I am also the weakest I have ever been.

I want to hold you hard and love you so much that any hurt you have ever had would be forgotten.  I want to make your tears stop their endless flow and I want to take that painful lump that travels its way through your body and crashes into your heart everyday, away.  I want to put my hands on you and help you to breath, allow the pain to leave, fix you.  If I was stronger I would gladly devour all your aches, all your tears, all your ugly cries, all your moments of despair and if I was really, really, really truly able I would take away all your moments of desperation and tell you to hang on one more day.

I am so sorry that I can not save you today.

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