The time is coming when you will be inundated (I'll tell you what that means later) with Halloween candy. If you have children or even if you don't, the candy will soon begin flowing like sweat down an overweight man's face during a hot dog eating contest. There will be bowls of tooth-decaying candy (which is absolutely WORTH IT for endless amounts of Kit Kats and Almond Joys. Kiss my grits, teeth!! Hahahaha!!!) at work, nail salons, Jiffy Lube, your neighbor's house, on your own kitchen counter and at the doorways of people all over the country on Halloween night in just a matter of days. Although you can do nothing about the vanilla Tootsie rolls that the lady in the front office is trying to entice you with at your job (it ain't workin', Lerlene!! Do us all a favor and bury those stankin' rolls in your backyard!), YOU can do something about the candy YOU offer. How do you want others to see you this month? I'm telling you, sister, it all comes down to your treats. Pay close attention to this post unless you want to hear little Clarence Lee from Tennessee yell right there from your doorstep on October 31st,
"Trick-or-....HEY, this ain't no treat!! This house BITES!!"
If you want people to view you as a hip, I-care-about-you, "tastebuds are my homeboys" kind of person, for cryin' out loud, take notes raht nah-yow! Based on exTENsive research completed by only me within the last few hours on Facebook, Twitter & during conversations with my husband as well as the voices within my head, I have compiled a list of "treats" that should not touch the inside of your candy bowl this October. If they do, you run the risk of flat-out stealing a bit of joy and life from the person who passes by your bowl of doom. They may forever see you as 1/2 ghoul + 1/4 Fred Munster + 3/4 newt.
While deciding in the middle of the Walgreens candy aisle what type of "treat" you want to dazzle friends, co-workers, family and strangers with this October, act like the following "treats" are covered in hot lava and are, therefore, unable to be handled, bought or eaten without extensive damage to your digestive tract and/or hands:
Orange Foam Peanuts
Leftover Peeps from Easter
Peanut Butter-flavored Taffy
Edible wax Lips
I like candy corn but his name kept coming up in bad candy discussions...
*My husband and I routinely debate Fun Dip's place on this list. He is a Fun Dip fanatic. I am all about forever-bury-that-Fun-Dip-in-the-attic. Since this is my blog, Fun Dip ain't movin'!
Basically, people will smile at you, wish they could brush your hair and eat the crumbs
that fall straight from your mouth if you offer chocolate, good gum, chocolate or something made from chocolate. Although there is a continuum of good and not-so-great chocolate and chocolate candy bars, any chocolate trumps anything in that list above. Along with debates about Fun Dip, my husband and I often debate whether or not Three Musketeers should rank above Milky Way. I tell him that both of those candy bars are the same dang thing and should bow down and kiss Snickers' feet. Now.
Also, and this advice is free of charge, if you have been asked to donate candy for a "fall festival" or Halloween party, don't pay attention to the leader of the thing. It is highly likely that she is trying to ruin the fun by repeatedly reminding everyone that "chocolate melts". She and her cronies are likely yelling "CHOCOLATE MELTS!!!!!!!!! Anyone listening??? Chocolate STANKIN' melts!!!!!!! Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" through gargantuan megaphones from every rooftop they can manage to climb upon right this very second. They start early. Listen carefully. Hear anyone? If you don't hear them now, it won't be long before you CAN hear them AND later see them running through the streets clutching their hair in sweaty fists in all-out panic mode while frantically yelling out their public service announcement. Oh, can it. I would much rather lick melted chocolate from the inside of a Snickers "fun size" candy bar than fall asleep over a pack of Farties, I mean, Smarties.
I hope the list above and the blurb about chocolate will help you win over lots of friends who are using you for your candy. Maybe you have something to add to the list. Maybe the list just ticked you off. Well, no need to throw orange foam peanuts at my face. Let's talk about it first.
***Thanks to Karmen with Family Sized Fun, Brer Matt with Random Acts of Coffee, Ko Chun Chang with Raising Boys World, Ian Bathgate (Twitter ID: @ibathgate), Wendy Jordan with Serendipity & Faith, Cheeseboy with The Blog O'Cheese, and all of my FB friends- Aimee Z., Aimee S., Lacy, Andi, Nikki, Angee, Kristin, Jackie, Misty, Molly, Laine, Summer, Elizabeth, Paige, Sabina, Rachel, Kate, Randi & Heather (huhhhh???) for their entertaining input into the list above!! You all really made me laugh out loud!!***