All of a sudden, I very much feel pregnant...and, judging by this picture, I very much look it, too! We are having a little girl this time. I have heard that this is such a blessing, because we get to experience each...a boy and a girl...because they are so different.
I can feel the difference settling in already. As the physical weight of carrying her pulls on my body more and more each day, it in no way compares to the mental tug of what it will mean to have a daughter. This time, I will be the stronger influence...the same-sex role model she will look to. It's that the weighs on my mind, more so than the boy talk, ear piercings, periods, and first bra fittings that are sure to come.
You see, I know my own demons very well. I am all too familiar with my underlying insecurities, just barely held at bay sometimes. I can still feel the stings of rejections and criticisms and hurtful words hurtled at me long ago. They all manifested in me turning to food for comfort and playing it safe, in my life...judging others before they could judge me. Through the years of practise, work, and even some counceling, I've risen above a lot of the negativity, fear, and doubt that I carried. I have worked at knowing myself and not being so afraid of being that person and letting that person shine. But, like I said, I know those demons can still rear their ugly heads in self-deprecating comments and hateful glances at the image I see in the mirror. It has dawned on me that I don't want to pass this to my daughter.
I want her to look up and see a woman that is comfortable with who she is, even when wearing a bathing suit. I want her to see a woman strong enough to go after her interests and to pursue new and challenging things. I want her to see a woman who will at least try, not only for others, but also for herself. I want her to see a woman that shines with love that comes from outside and, most importantly, inside. The weight of carrying her...I feel it in so many ways. What she will mean to me and my life...how I must carry myself...