Yep, it's out of the bag...I did something today which is absolutely unheard of.

Unimaginable.

Unthinkable.

I spent 5 1/2 (cause that 1/2 counts) hours WITHOUT SMALL CHILDREN.

Hellooooooo....Tap Tap...can ya hear me??

Three of those hours were spent ALONE. Well, except for Bo the Bulldog. And he doesn't yell at me to locate Gogurts or to find a Hannah Montana show On Demand. Or to be taken to Stick and Puck. Or follow me to the bathroom.

I had a haircut appointment at 2pm so I dropped the kids off (no,not at the pool..sorry crude humor there) at my mother in law's house and went to my appointment. Walked in and first thing I see was a PEOPLE magazine with Kate Gosselin plastered to the front. Ohhhhh. I jerked it up and started getting all giddy with excitement. I won't buy those magazines in the grocery store, anymore that is. One time I did before we went out of town and a neighbor got in line behind me. Was sort of embarrassing. I mean, do the neighbors really need to know I have a desire to read celebrity fodder?

When I was finished with my hair hell my husband calls and says "Paige wants to stay with my mom so I will just pick up both of them when Peyton is done with hockey lessons."

Which wasn't until 6:15.

I looked at my watch. It was 3:30. I about started hyperventilating! I yelled, "I've got three hours without children!"

My hairstylist, whose only child has graduated college said "yeah! go shopping!"

I looked at her like she had three heads and a crack pipe. Shopping? Like at a mall or something?

I yelled again "I'm going to the GROCERY STORE!"

She looked all confused and WTF.

I glanced around the room. Apparently I had yelled a little too loud. Two men hairdressers were staring me like I was a deranged homeless person in search of food. Or Boones Strawberry Wine.
So, I left with my new haircut and highlights. Don't really want to go into why in the heck I had her cut bangs. I haven't had bangs since like age 10. I hate my head right now. Bangs and layers.It's hair hell. Did I think there was an upcoming 80's party??

Went to the grocery story AND the tanning place. Yes, the tanning place. I am prone to pale, ghostville skin and we are going to the beach in a week. Plus, doesn't a tan make cellulite less visible? Just exactly HOW DARK do I need to be though to accomplish this??

At the grocery store things were going breezily. Really, actually breezy. I was grinning like a maniac. No children were pawing at Swiss Cake Rolls or fighting over pushing the cart. There was no drama that involved a five year old sprawled in the aisle yelling and grabbing her ankle after her brother jammed the buggy into her ankle. No evil mommy voice growling through clenched teeth "you are not allowed to EVER push the buggy again...hisssssss."

Yes, I was euphoric and child free.

Then. On the bread aisle I became confused. A gray haired lady in a motorized cart seemed to be speeding her way toward me.

Wait a minute. This was my breezy, kid free shopping expedition. No old lady drama puleeze.

She stopped her mini - van of a cart in front of me, in the middle of the aisle. Then appeared to fall asleep. Now I'm thinkin ummm, where is someone to help her? Oh shipwreck, is it me?

NO! I want to grocery shop alone. No drama. I smile and say in a loud voice "Ummm excuse me..ma'm." She jolts awake. Looks confused and highly pissed because I have woke her from a peaceful slumber on the bread aisle.

She growls "Go on by!"

I become kind of scared. She had really big, yellow teeth. I was starting to wonder if Ashton Kutcher was gonna jump out and yell "punked!" I looked around her for Ashton but he wasn't there. Just bread. And beer. (why do they put bread and beer on the same aisle???)

I felt like I had been yelled at by my old high school English teacher, Ms.Malak. So. I kind of slowly turn my buggy around and sulk back down the other direction. Away from granny gone wild. I sure as heck did not want to attempt to pass her.

I am on my tour of Blue Bell ice cream when I hear this "beep beep beep." I look around and it's HER. Granny. She has gotten her motorized buggy stuck as chuck in the wine department.

Oh jeez. She was in reverse doing a 150 point turn and that darn buggy was beep beep beeping like a semi-truck.

I stand there watching, fearing for my life to inch any closer. I swear to ya'll I stood in front of the Moose Tracks ice cream for 10 minutes waiting for her to get out of there. She was saying what sounded like granny cuss words from under her breath. Pretty sure it wasn't Hail Mary's.

When she finally got her buggy from hell out of there I got a big bottle of Cabernet and headed home.

Got home thankful for peace and quiet. Did I wash clothes? Na. Clean a toilet? Na. Write a Nobel peace prize winning blog post? Na.

ATE DINNER ALONE. IN QUIET. Opened my wine and waited on my family to return. Cursed my hair a little.

Then my family returned and my husband walks in with his chin looking like he has contracted a flesh eating disease. Then he, in his best holy cow I hope I don't get slammed for saying this voice asks, "umm, is that called layers?" referring to my hair. I just grunt.

Hair grows, buddy.

Then after looking at his chin I become a little freaked. He has been complaining about a bite on his chin for days. I have been laughing at him, saying it is just a zit. Suppose not.

He will definitely be going to the doctor tomorrow. The kids are freaking out asking "are you gonna die daddy???!!!" Of course his snarky answer was "well, if I do the insurance is paid up."

So much for a peaceful and quiet afternoon.

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Tags: Grocery, alone, cart, children, granny, in, shopping

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Comment by Marsha Maung on July 2, 2009 at 9:19am
love it!!!

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