This letter has been 3 years in the making and many times written and erased. It brings me to tears when I think of all I want to say to you and all I would ask if I meet you. It also puts the realization into the fore front that my children, these three beautiful creatures are not just part of me, but part of an unknown! Everyday I look at them and watch them grow I can clearly see me in them, but the other parts, the ones that are so obviously not me, I can only assume come from you, and that always brings the question to my mind, “do you ever wonder who they are?”
Of course I have no idea what your motivation for donating was, but I wonder if you ever think about the children that may have been created from your donations. If so I want to tell you a bit about my children. Of course as their mother I think they are all absolutely beautiful and smart as a whip.
The oldest at 3 is such a clever girl, she has an amazing sense of humour and gets the inside of joke, she knows how to play make believe and loves to dress up and act out entire scenarios. She is an amazing little artist and enjoys spending hours drawing, painting, and creating crafts. She loves the outdoors and is fascinated by the trees, leaves and rocks. She is also a very sensitive little girl, has never been mean to her little brother and sister once and is always concerned for them.
My 21 month old little man is such an amazing little boy. He loves music and often plays the piano while sitting on his Gramma’s lap, he loves all instruments and has a dance style that is all his own, even keeping with the rhythm. He is so active and loves the feeling that the adrenaline rush gives him, no amount of tossing and turning and spinning and bouncing or climbing scares him away. He dances hard and plays hard. He also loves his books, and is a great little reader, and perhaps it is merely the difference between boys and girls that I notice this, but he is an awesome little eater, whereas the girls are a bit pickier. He is super sensitive to others emotions, and I am not gonna lie, he loves to cuddle with the ladies and they love him!
Then there is my little 21 month old spit fire of a girl, she can make me laugh my head off and want to bang it into a wall all at the same time. The girl is a fireball, a comedian, and so wickedly smart. She does love the thrill that teasing and tormenting her siblings brings and loves to laugh. She is also an amazing little dancer and inquisitive as all heck. She is the party girl around here and loves to dress up in hats and outfits. She is also a little cuddler and can fold herself into a tiny ball still. Although she is the littlest and the youngest by 1 minute, there are definitely days when she is the biggest presence wherever she goes. Fiesty, fiery and Funny.
Having said that about my kids, I wonder if you ever wonder about any of those things. If you ever want to know how many children you may have, wether they are healthy and happy, where they are. Are they creative, do they have your eyes, your hair, your smile, your laugh? I know then when I look at my kids I see my side of the family in the 2 of them so much, but my little girl looks so different, and when I look at her, I figure I must be looking at you. Where did their beautiful Grey eyes come from, their creativity and my sons love for music come from? I find myself welling up with tears when I think about who you are and how you must feel about all this, years after you donated? My mind has taken me to thinking about many things I never suspected or expected I would think about since I have had my children, namely YOU, “THE DONOR”. So I write this letter on my blog to the phantom out there that you are in my life. The unknown is not a sad thing, just an emotional one that I should probably get my head around before it is time to start letting the kids in one the situation that is their life, being donor conceived kids, with an unknown sperm donor as their biological father.
I have merely scratched the surface with this letter and perhaps one day you may stumble upon it here on my blog.