I do solemnly swear to bring you content from the most interesting and not so interesting parts of my world, that everyone and no one at the same time, would possibly want to hear all about, to include: Past, Present and Future hopefuls, as well as those that didn’t make it on a brain numbing reality show and stories which wouldn’t possibly make it to a theater near you, anytime soon; due to extreme language and content that has placed it on a (what to do with this) list, until a rating can be created for approval of its release.
I will also do my best to see to it that the sentence that precedes this one, is the last run on sentence that you will ever read again. If I fail, charge it to my head and not my heart. No, actually charge it to the University that I graduated from. It wouldn’t be the first time they billed me for an education that has yet to equal the pay I made in Corporate America.
It is my humble desire and number one goal to make you happy, smile, laugh, cry, relate, and never be offended. Should you find something offensive, read it again, until you realize that I am not smart enough to offend anyone and that there’s a strong possibility that you over analyzed it and read it all wrong. If you are still offended, then please accept my deepest condolence in advance, for your dead heart. I mean, my deepest and most sincere apologies, for it is never my intent to make you think outside the box. Should I find myself in a position where I cannot share anything exciting, I will make it a point to mess up along the way, just so that I can show you that I am perfectly imperfect and extremely apologetic for being so. I’ve found that to be an excellent crutch and makes a great fall back plan in life. In fact, I am writing a course right now, titled: 101 ways to completely overrate your failures, so that sympathy will get you a good grade.
This is my first time on the Mommy-Merry-Go-Round, so I will depend on all of you to pick me up after the swift turns have thrown me from the ride, discombobulated and confused me. But only after you’ve had a good laugh about me being oblivious about “what just happened”. The contingency here is, so long as you assist me back to life, you have the right to laugh out loud.
Every day is a tryout. In my world, the ten-step program is learning to count down to one, after my child has asked me, why? more than 10 times in 20 minutes. I have this thing called MB, Mommy Brain – was diagnosed with it on December 24th, 2010 and I have had it for 6.5 years. Well, 6 years 5 months and 12 days and I was told that its malignant, invasive and uncontrollable, but that I will live - and I will live with it for the rest of my life. When I use big words out of context, it’s because I have been entertaining a kid who seems to be smarter than me, and it’s just my desperate attempt at assuring and affirming to myself, that I am still intelligent.
It is my intent to balance the universe, by showing you who the real wonder women are in the world and what our costumes look like, even if it does include an apron with words “All I Need Is Wine, stitched across the front.
You are going to see days where I walk in a pretty high stiletto, because I can't find the other one, and other days, I will be seen in sandals or flip flops. There will be days where I simply don’t feel like wearing any shoes at all. I have flaws, but all of them are flawless. My little dirty secret is that I own a large Beauty Queen Crown.(A real one) I purchased it for myself when I turned 39 last year, to remind me that I am Queen. At least in my castle. I can't say that too loud because I don't want the beehive after me.
I will do my best to lead you blindly, under my classic old maid frames, which are in dire need of replacing. I hope to connect with like-minded people who also mess up this thing called life, on a daily- just so that I can be reminded of how extraordinarily normal, I am.
Should you agree that I live a very boring life, I invite you to call me so that you can tell me all about yours. If you follow, I follow back. If you lead, I will follow. If you follow, I will turn around and ask you, where are we going?
Disclaimer: I realize that there are commas in the above manifesto, in places it shouldn’t me. I realize that it was random and all over the place. I realize that some people never made it to this disclaimer.