Ok so I have been having problems breathing since 2005… finally the dr. decided to do something about it… took an X-ray and a breathing test…

Found out I have the beginning stages of Emphysema… F&ck!!!!!!

The reason I started to smoke was because of my family… they smoked all the time in front of me. I didn’t want to smoke because I wanted to go back to gymnastics and or dancing… however that was just a pipe dream mixed in with denial… ugh! To say the least… any ways… I started smoking when I was 18, I was tired of having my family smoking in front of me and I getting the second hand smoke all the time… told my self if I am going to die because of this smoke I may as well smoke it my self…

Never really thought I was going to get the dame silent killer…

I am trying to find a way to quit smoking… it’s not like I haven’t quite before… both pregnancy’s I stopped… so why is it so hard now to quite?

I don’t want to wreck my sons life because I am too stubborn to quite smoking… how selfish is that?!

The feeling of panic always washes over me when I have no smokes with me… then when I am trying to quit with smokes with me I give in too easy…

Which way do you think is better?
Or is there another solution? I can’t wear the patches… it makes my heart do funny things and I break out in a rash… not to mention my breathing goes all funny as well…

If smoking was illegal… which it will be one day… I bet I would already be in jail… F&CK!!!!

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Tags: Emphysema, and, motherhood, mothers, with

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