My body is angry. It is resisting, pushing, shrinking back, lashing out. Angry. I guess I am too. At my body.
I know, I need to be gentle with myself. I need to accept, like my word of the year. It is hard to accept a body that fights you even when you sleep.
I am 38 weeks pregnant. My body is completely hijacked right now nurturing, growing, developing a human that needs everything I have to give to it. And so I do. I give my body everything it needs. I can't wait to see the outcome. A precious child. One that I have been waiting for.
It is part of pregnancy to experience contractions all day long, to be achy, tired, emotional. Constipated.. did I mention tired?
I have been getting leg cramps on and off throughout this pregnancy. I have tried it all to whip it. Extra Magnesium, Potassium, Calcium, water. Putting my feet up. I thought I had beaten the cramp.
Last night/early this morning, it came back. with a vengeance. The first one woke me up at 2 in the morning.
Not a big deal at first, just a niggling ache. So I got up out of bed and walked around a little, flexing my foot up against the wall. It started building up in my calf muscle. By the time I got back to my bed, I was struggling to walk. I had to wake up the hubby for him to give me a heating pack to soothe the angry muscle. It wasn't just the calf, it was traveling pain all the way up to my bum. It hurt. It was a jarring, grit your teeth, clench your fist pain. Waves. I was reminded by words from my Doula "Every wave always comes to shore." So I would wait for the wave to come to shore. A leg contraction. Great. After 20 minutes it calmed, and I was able to get back to sleep. I woke up 3 hours later with my other leg doing the same thing. Except I didn't have a chance to try to walk it off. It came on with a fury. It felt angry. Like I have been. I have been so cranky.
This time, I felt myself trying to escape it. I was literally backing up in my bed, my head banging against the wall behind me, and each time I would back up, grabbing onto anything, Pillows, sheets, the mattress, while it screamed at me. Hubby would try to hold my hand so that I could squeeze it, telling me over and over to breathe, to relax, trying to calm me. He couldn't help me. It would come in waves, harder, stronger, gripping me, paralyzing me making me see brilliant firework lights in my peripheral.
I fought. I was angry. Then I gave in, I succumbed to the endless pain. I finally relented and just cried. But not the silent, tears sliding down my face crying that I always do. No. It was sobbing, yelling, jagged, gasping for breath crying. Something I NEVER ever do in front of anyone. I am not sure that anyone has really witnessed me doing that. I was wailing. At that point I could not hold it in anymore.
My wailing woke my kids up, they came running down from their room, knocking tenatively at my door, "Mama?? Are you OK??" I was angry. Angry that my body was hurting. Angry that I had woken up my kids helplessly. ANGRY. I feel like I am trapped in a hijacked, over taxed body.
A dear friend of mine had asked me recently how I was tending myself, with being full time mom who is needed full time of 2 teens and a tween GIRL, a full time wife who is trying to be fully available for a husband who is suffering from excruciating migraines (and has been quite cranky).
My friend reminded me to breathe. To take deep breaths. She sent a prayer for deep peace and deep breaths. For stillness in the midst of chaos. I admit. I have been cranky. I have been trying not to yell. I have been trying to be nice to everyone. It is difficult.
She heard me. I needed that. To be heard. And then she said exactly what I needed to hear. "The baby is connected to everything about you right now. It is ripening and your only work is to provide it what is needed. It is totally consuming, no way to separate you from her. Not even for a moment. And everyone around you feels it and reacts accordingly to their own feelings about that. The paradox of being separate and yet one is up on every level. Everyone feeling alone in a way and yet inextricably linked. Being mom to the household has got to be incredibly challenging right now! You are supposed to be everything for everyone! Impossible! I can totally understand why your hubby is so worried. No matter what you do right now, you can't be totally his, even for a moment. My heart goes out to you all, and yet I also know Spirit is there in each breath, for all of you."
I know this doesn't last forever. I know that this baby will come soon. I know this is just part of the process of birthing a baby. I know that every woman goes through the exact same experience. I know I am related to. I know Mamas everywhere feel this. I don't mean to whine. I don't mean to complain. I know that every wave always comes to shore. Thank you for hearing me.