"Faceb Rehab 3: Cruel Mistress by Samantha Greene"

Facebook Rehab 3: Cruel Mistress
By “Samantha Greene”

Warning: The following is a diary of one woman’s Facebook withdrawal program. Because of the intense nature of this endeavor, material in here will not be suitable for young readers and those with delicate sensibilities. Reader discretion is advised.

Today is Day Two of my self-imposed withdrawal program from Facebook, and I’m afraid I have not used wisely my 15 minutes ration of FB time today. I squandered opportunities at real social connection in favor of mind-numbing applications in search of self-knowledge in a no-man’s land of perceptiveness. Apologies for my verbosity. The FB D.T.’s render me esoteric.

However my ruminations have led me to this succinct conclusion: Facebook is a cruel mistress indeed. (I am pretty sure I’m not the first one to say that. In fact, I’m almost positive I stole the phrase “Facebook is a cruel mistress” from one of my Friends. If it was you, please post a Comment onto this Note to garner the credit you so deserve. If nobody posts, then clearly I made it up myself.)

Yes, as I so wittily and originally remarked, Facebook is a cruel mistress indeed. She takes and takes and takes until you find yourself huddled in a dark, cold room at an hour far past when all decent humans go to sleep with your eyeballs bleeding as you’re hunched over the computer with a self-inflicted case of osteoporosis, and you’re taking the “What Happy Days Character Are You?” quiz for the fourth time, hoping against hope that you don’t get Potsie. Again.

I believe Day 2 is the time for “taking inventory.” Unfortunately, I don’t know what that “taking inventory” means exactly, but it sounds appealingly like list-making and Mama loves her some bullets. So here it goes…

Excuses I’ve used for in the past going on FB for obscenely long periods of time:
• Professional Networking – This one is my favorites. In my defense, I did get a gig from Facebook, so this excuse is a valid one. Plus I am able to spy on other people in my field to make sure they aren’t getting better gigs than me.

• Re-Connecting with Old Friends – What a joy to be back in touch with people from preschool! I loved those folks so much, and I love the fact that FB has allowed me to get back in touch with those old friends…who it turns out don’t really care too much about staying in contact with me or they WOULD HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE ALL ALONG! (Seriously though, I still am psyched to have reunited with my old friends, whether or not they return the sentiment. You guys rock…Call me?)

• Honing My Craft – I fancy myself a comedian and FB is a great place to make funny to a wide audience. Hopefully, my cyber-community shares my sense of humor when I post “What is that funky smell in here?” at 2:01am and then “Oh, I found the source of that smell!” at 2:09am and then “How did that get in my underwear drawer?” at 2:23am and then “Who would have thought a cheese sandwich still tastes good after spending two weeks in an underwear drawer?” at 2:31, and then “Stomach. Ouch,” at 3:10am. Hopefully, my cyber-community is not thinking, “Don’t hire Samantha Greene for any comedy job. Ever.” But you never know. Comedy means pushing the envelope.

• Socialization –Facebook is a great opportunity to socialize with “adults” during the day. Ok, forget it. Even I am not buying that one.

• Support System – Facebook is a great place to get support from Friends when you’re going through a hard time. Although now that I think about it, anybody who has posted anything of actual significance knows that’s a crock of shit. There seems to be a direct correlation between amount of pain your Post reflects and the level of sarcasm and ridicule in the responding Comments.

• Stalking People – There, I said it. I am not proud.

So there you go, folks. A list of the reasons why Facebook is an important part of my life.

Hmmmm. That was inventory taking?

I don’t get it.


Will she stay on the FB wagon? Stay tuned tomorrow for Day Three in Samantha Greene’s Facebook withdrawal program! Same time! Same channel!
To read other humorous essays, go to
My Nephew is a Poodle (and Other Random Thoughts)

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