Facebook Rehab 4: Strike of the Enabler by "Samantha Greene"

Facebook Rehab 4: Strike of The Enabler
By “Samantha Greene”

It’s my usual time to Facebook. I’m wearing my favorite FB sweats, sitting in my comfortable chair, got the incense and a glass of red by the computer. In short, I’m in full frontal Facebook mode. But I’ve absolutely squandered my allotted 15 minutes earlier today, so I’m not supposed to log on. Grrrrrr!!!!

Earlier this evening, my friend Farrah asked me today why I’m doing this Facebook detox, so I gave her the line we’re trained to give: “Because Facebook has more control over me than I have over it.” I felt so high and mighty as I was saying it, but then she had this confused look, and she looked me right in the eye and asked me how else we were going to hang out if not on Facebook. And I started thinking, She’s totally right! How are we going to hang out? Why AM I doing this stupid detox?

The truth is, I had to go into therapy for my CAPS (Cyber Addictive Personality Syndrome,) and my therapist ordered me to go on immediate FB detox. It wasn’t my idea at all. And now I’m kind of pissed at my therapist because what if she’s wrong? What if I don’t really have a pathological case of Cyber Addictive Personality Syndrome? Maybe I’m just suffering from just a low-grade, passing virus which antibiotics can’t cure anyway. Maybe I just need to wait it out. Maybe I’m someone who just needs to moderate a little.

Everyone else can go on Facebook without limitations. Why can’t I be just like everyone else?

Sonofabitch. I swear to you that just as I was writing the previous sentence I heard my FB Chat noise make that lovely bubbling pop. It was my Friend Farrah. We just hung out this evening, and now she wants to talk about the stuff we talked about while we were hanging out. She KNOWS about my FB diet, but she totally doesn’t take it seriously. She thinks it’s a joke. (I think she’s denial. She is the one who really has a problem. I mean we just hung out a half-hour ago, and she totally wants to Chat now!) She’s an enabler, that’s what she is. I’m just going to take a quick peek on to FB, just to tell her that I can’t Chat now.

Damn, that was hard. Now that I got a little whiff of it, I totally want to go back on Facebook. I got the FB jimmies something fierce right now. So what if I’ve already used up my 15 minutes? That’s such a random number. Ok, the therapist specifically put me on “The 15-Minute-A-Day Diet,” but maybe that’s just an arbitrary number. Maybe someone else’s 15 minutes are like my 30 minutes or even one hour. Maybe one hour per day of Facebook time is the right amount for me?

I actually do think I can be like everyone else who can use Facebook recreationally. My therapist was totally off the wall. She probably sees so many patients that she gets us confused. There is probably somebody named “Sam Groon” who is completely fucked up addicted to Facebook, and she gave me Sam Groon’s 15-minute time restriction. Probably she meant to tell me that one, maybe even two or three hours a day is appropriate for me. I can handle Facebook, man.

I’m not even a true addict, despite what my kids say. Damn kids. What do they know? You should see their Facebook pages. Crap. Utter crap. No matter how much I encourage them to work on their Pages, they still won’t settle on their Favorite Quotes or even do something normal like play Scramble, “Send Coffee” to someone, or join Mafia Wars. They used their photos from friggin’ Picture Day at school for their Profile Photos! How lame is that?! Can’t believe those cretins came out of my uterus.

Anyway, this is all to say that it is fine, just fine, for me to go on Facebook for longer than 15 minutes today. Furthermore, I am NOT going to download that stupid-assed Facebook Rehab Group Therapy App tomorrow like my therapist suggested. I don’t want to hang out with some fucking losers who can’t handle their Facebook like I can.

I gotta go. And screw that therapist who says I can’t use chatspeak:
L8r 4 U

Will she succumb to The Enabler? Stay tuned tomorrow for Day Four in Samantha Greene’s Facebook withdrawal program! Same time! Same channel!
To read other humorous essays, go to
My Nephew is a Poodle (and Other Random Thoughts)

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