Moms, let's talk about the four seasons of marriage: Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. Usually we think of marriage as a relationship with our partner but it can also be the state of marriage solely within us called "the inner marriage." The inner marriage is an intimate relationship with ourself. We need a strong inner marriage of love, appreciation, understanding and respect for ourself in order to experience the serenity, joy, and connection attainable in an outer marriage.
The Spring of Marriage is when matrimony begins. We are often young and overflowing with boundless excitement, optimism and desire. We start this first phase believing – unconsciously - that our partner is here to save our life and fulfill every expectation we ever dreamed possible. We are full of projections. We take our wedding vows, "Please heal me of every pain and love me forever." Well, we didn't say that but that's what most of us thought. We are in love and often madly so.
The Summer of Marriage is when we often bring children into the world. These precious little ones fill our lives with love, fun, pressure and (ugh!) adult responsibility. As the children grow, husbands and wives may argue that the spouse is not who we thought they were! We may even wonder if we are who we thought we were. It can be a stressful time of struggle but when we work to connect the inner marriage with our outer marriage we begin to appreciate the real glory in our spouse. We also begin to see the first authentic wrinkles of responsibility for our own life, too, and we begin to grow up. Of course, sometimes it doesn't all work out and couples do separate permanently. Not every relationship was made in heaven.
The Autumn of Marriage is about transition. We watch our children raising their children. We graciously step back and let them live their own lives. We give them space when they need it. We throw our arms around the joy our grandchildren bring and pitch in whenever we can help. Watching our families grow is so full of wonder we want everyone to stop growing! But respecting time's natural rhythm - especially when feeling astonished - helps us move right along with the changing tides as we consider what we want to do with our life now.
The Winter of Marriage is when we enter into the final season of marriage with another or with ourself alone for death or choice or fate may have put us there. We are reflective and thoughtful. We live in our souls more. We recognize and give thanks for all the important moments in our life and for those we've met along the way who have helped us to transform, evolve and grow. We reach for our partner's hand or put our hand over our heart to touch the symbolic hand of our inner partner. We read Yeats. We read Rilke. We smile. We pray. We hope. We make Every Day Matter.
Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP, is a grief specialist and author of When Every Day Matters: A Mother's Memoir on Love, Loss and Life (Simple Abundance Press) Visit her website at www.WhenEveryDayMatters.com
MJ is available for phone consultation or in person