My kids vacillate between laughing at my “jelly belly”, “jelly butt”, “flappy arms” and my "baggy eyes". Then they start asking me if I am going to die (eyes brimming with tears, mind you). Yes, even my kids can see, I am getting old-er.
My husband and I were driving home two days ago, trying to remember how old we actually are. Being together since we were teenagers, and actually having to do MATH to figure out our differences in age (he is younger…oh yeah baby!) we realized we had to think to finally figure out how old we are. Then he laughed. Then he got hit.
OK OK…I am not THAT old. But, anymore when I hear, “you’re (fill in the number)! Oh my, you look like you’re 25!” I can’t help but think the people saying it:
-have not seen any REAL 25-year-olds lately
-have been hitting some sort of “sauce” or “pill” a little too much
-think I have money and want some of it.
Because c’mon, kids don’t lie. Well, OK they do, but when they have the ability to tell the horrible scary truth, through their questions and responses, they do. Such as:
“Mom, what’s that?”
“No, what’s that hangy stuff on you neck?”
"Mom, are you OLD?"
"No, not really."
“Mom, are you gonna DIE?”
“No…not yet anyway!”
I look in the mirror every morning, hoping to see this once familiar visage:
And instead, I see, this:
ACK! RUN AWAY! ERASE YOUR MEMORY! I see this now and I want to cry, but I dare not as that would make my eyes even baggier...
I am not sure when this happened, but I have noticed it recently and I don’t like that I now resemble Gandalf The Gray.
In fact, I no longer spend my time envying women with smooth legs, now I search every face to see if they have the bags under their eyes like I do and envy the ones who don't, instead. I mean, isn’t over half of America not getting enough sleep? So, there should be more of these bags out there…but I seem to be in the minority.
And the internet is no help. I keep reading that scientists have recently discovered the bags are actually FAT! Great. Now my EYES are FAT! How the heck do I exercise my eyes?
Jennifer Aniston is turning 40 and crying about a long gray hair on her head…I had one, three inches long, GROWING OUT OF MY FACE! She needs to get over herself, seriously, I am the one suffering here! John, sing her a song, or slap her...yeah, slap her!
Terrible. Soon the wrinkles will set in, and I will be Gandalfina The Saggy.
Yeah maybe it’s allergies, maybe it’s my salt intake, maybe it’s my lack of vitamin b6, or sleep, OR my heavy drinking (nooooooo, that was just on the internet list) but I think it’s simply this: AGING!
So what can you do, except try to calm your kids down by assuring them that none of this means I am going to die just yet…