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Well, almost two years ago, I decided to take a break from blogging to focus on my family. The father of my children and I had reunited, and things were looking amazing. And they were. At least, that's what I thought. October 29,2011 was the worst night of my life. I found out something earth-shattering, something heart-breakingly devastating. I had let a monster back into my life, and even worse, into my children's lives. Now, they have memories they should never have had, and experiences I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And all I can think is, it's my fault. How could I not know what was going on under my own roof? How could I expose my children to this sick, evil man? For God's sake, how could I not even know he was sick and evil? Was I really that desperate for a happy ending? Well, the jokes on me, because I definitely did not get my happy ever after. I think that when someone you loved and trusted hurts you, it leaves your heart bruised. But when that someone hurts your children, it leaves a scar on your heart and soul that will never heal. When they do both, it’s emotionally and mentally crippling. How do you recover from something like that? You do what you can for your children, put on a happy face. Whatever you have to do to make their world a happy, safe place again, you do. Even if you’re dying inside, even if it feels as if someone ripped your heart from your chest, and all you have left is a gaping hole. Every laugh feels forced, every fleeting moment of happiness leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, and leaves you choking on guilt and misery. Sometimes, it’s all you can do to breathe, to swallow the lump in your throat, to hide the pain and fear from your babies, because they need their mommy more than ever. And though I feel like a shell of who I was 2 short weeks ago, I can never let them see that. I have to be who I was before my world crumbled around me, and more. I was dealt a near fatal wound, the kind that is so unexpected and devastating that you don’t think you’ll survive. But I will, because I’m a mother, and that’s what mothers do. I’m a single mother now, but that’s ok. I’d rather be alone and my kids be safe, than be in love, and my kids in danger. It’s not a sacrifice; it’s not even a choice. My kids are the air I breathe, necessary for me to live, their safety is my sustenance, and it gives me the strength to carry on. Now when my kids wonder, "What's wrong with Mommy?" I'm gonna make damn sure they never know.

 

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