I have a wedding anniversary coming up and if you asked me how long I've been married I couldn't tell you. It's not that I don't care, I just don't remember. It's a numbers thing with me. Can't add, subtract or recall them in any way, shape, or form. I admit that I am numerically challenged. I rode the "special" bus with the other mathematically dim children when I was in elementary school.

I was married in a beautiful Pacific Heights mansion overlooking the San Francisco Bay. My pussy whipped husband to be and I decided to elope because our families are crazy (Hi Mom!) Flying to San Francisco from the East coast was the perfect solution.

Of course, eloping meant not a single gift certificate to Pizza Hut or the tanning salon. Thankfully, it spared me from having to don an ornate, fluffy, sparkly, long white gown, then attempt to saunter down the aisle while guests I didn't like in the least were anxiously awaiting the throwing of the rice and the releasing of the doves so they could hurry to the reception and swig down that quadruple vodka on the rocks.

Instead, I wore black and looked fabulous.

We were married by a very sweet, tiny Spanish woman (found in the phonebook that very day) with a thick Antonio Banderas-like accent. She gave us some vows to read and voila! I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Crazy. Then off for a fantastic honeymoon in Bora Bora with nightmarish bugs the size of my cats and men in grass skirts.

My oldest daughter is 3 and if in the future she decides to marry a wealthy Egyptian slumlord, a French aristocrat who shuns deodorant or a lesbian named Sue from San Francisco I just might be planning a wedding. Some ideas I'm going to throw out there....

I could knit her a wedding gown. Any color she chooses. If she is pregnant, the fabric will give, allowing room for her baby bump

The food could be an elegant do-it-yourself tuna fish buffet. Everyone gets a can opener, mayonnaise and bread of their choosing

The wedding cake could be a giant Twinkie tower. I would opt for leaving the wrappers on. More hygienic that way

A spectacular honeymoon suite on the beach in Maui. Of course the suite would be a tent pitched on the public beach, because after paying for this elaborate wedding I'll be broke

I suppose I won't have to worry about wedding plans for another year or two. I'll just have to keep up on the latest trends in weddings for 5 year olds.

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Tags: Humor, Kids, Weddings

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