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I have a Secret... I Don't Know What to Do.



Okay ladies, I admit it, I have a secret. Before I share it with you, I'm going to ask that you indulge me for a few minutes and not read ahead. Deal?  Thanks!

Without being too critical of the poor photo quality, what do you think of the table and the floral arrangement?  Personally, I like the simplicity of it. Just a bowl of flowers on a small table, catching the light as it comes into the room.  I like the room too.  I like the way the drapes are pulled back to let the sunshine in, the gloss of the hardwood floors, the soft beige color scheme and the detailed molding on the walls and windows. I'd like to think that the rest of the room has the look and feel of my future Hen Den (I wrote about it in a previous post). A day bed, big overstuffed chair with a comfy ottoman; a coffee table covered with my favorite books and magazines; softly scented candles; a thick, plush throw rug, and maybe a pretty chandelier.  The perfect getaway.

So here's the thing, the picture is of a room in a miniature dollhouse.  Very few people know that I am a miniature enthusiast. Even fewer know that I actually flew half way across the country to buy furnishings and fixtures for the very first dollhouse my husband gave me for Christmas a couple of years ago.

You're probably saying, "and this matters because?” Well here's the problem, or the secret. I am 40 something years old and I have no idea what I want to do. My life has changed so much over the past 6 months and now I have the chance, for the first time in my life, to do whatever I want. I've never gotten to do what I want.  I fell into my career and although I did very well, it was not something I chose. It kind of chose me.

Now it's my turn, and here I sit, dumbfounded. I'm bordering on getting depressed.  How can I NOT know what I want to do?  There are so many things I love and I have spent the past few months bouncing back and forth from one thing to another.

Should I throw myself into building and creating beautiful miniature homes which will allow me to design, decorate and even commission out my work?

Should I focus on teaching people how to preserve their memories through digital scrapbooking and storybooking and help them capture all of life's special moments?

Should I pursue a new career opportunity with a clothing designer by holding trunk shows and spending time helping women dress right and feel beautiful?

Should I explore my love of photography and blog full-time?

Seriously.  This is overwhelming.  I have never been the type of person that believes in doing 2 things at once and giving each just  50/50.  I want to give 100% to whatever it is I decide to do. Only ONE thing can be what "I do". The rest are the things I simply enjoy.

I've kept this a secret because I'm so embarrassed and so annoyed with myself.  You would think that this would be a fairly easy decision, but it's not. I'm torn between feeling blessed that I can finally do what I want to do and feeling guilty because it all seems so self-indulgent. I've actually gone to bed crying because I can't figure out what to do. I've tried the "wait and see and it will come to you" thing for about 3 months now - it isn't working. I woke-up at 2:30 this morning and laid there thinking about what I'm going to do today? What AM I going to do today? I'm sitting here in my pjs at 11:00 am.  This is NOT good. I'm scared that I am going to just climb back into bed and sleep the day away. I've been there and done that so I know this is a warning sign. I need to find something that makes me feel like I am contributing, making a difference, touching someone’s life and right now I feel pretty useless.

Anyway, that's the big secret. Mrs. Successful, semi-retired business woman and mom extraordinaire is a confused, hot mess.

Until next time,

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