The gig is up. The last day of Summer has slipped right through my fingers, not because I didn't hold on to it tightly enough, but because all good things must come to an end. I can't truly say that I relaxed enough during my Summer break, nor that I grinded hard enough. What I did was somewhere in the middle.
I am a kindergarten teacher, a thriftaholic, an entrepreneur, and a content creator amongst other things. Can you guess which one of these things pays the bills? If you guessed teaching, then you're correct-o-mundo! Can you guess which one of these things makes me stay up way past
midnight 2 a.m. when I have to get up at 7 a.m.? Yep, creating content, blogging. It's what makes me happy. When asked if I like my job, I'm more inclined to tell you that I don't hate it, but that just depends on which day you ask me.
Don't get it twisted! I am grateful for my j-o-b. It afforded my family and I some nice downtime this Summer. It affords me to pay for all of the pursuits and supplies that I haven't yet seen a return on investment for. What pays the bills allows me to test the waters of the pursuit of happiness without the fear of drowning.
I started out in education with the best of intentions. Really, I did. I know it's rather cliche´, but I wanted to make a positive impact on someone's life; to see their growth; to make a difference. I wanted to do all of the things that my naiveté didn't have the heart to discourage me from thinking I could do. Not that I haven't seen my students' grow, nor that they haven't been impacted by me in some small way, but the fervor to teach, like a candle wick, has gradually gotten shorter and shorter. This is why I grieve the end of Summer.
My struggle with what pays the bills is that it stifles my creativity and my autonomy. It gives me an egg and expects me to make a cake. Well the joke is on them, because dammit, I don't bake! Sometimes I wonder if I could be happy teaching if I could do it my own way, you know, using my intuition and common sense. I think that maybe I could. Even so, it wouldn't quiet the voice inside my head that wants to work remotely from a Mac and earn multiple streams of income by doing whatever makes me happy.
This Summer, I have worked diligently to check off several personal projects including tweaking my website, setting up my own online store outside of Ebay, and researching products. I didn't relax nearly enough, but the lines through my written and mental notes made it worth it. I know that to everyone except for me, it looked like I was just staring at a computer screen all day instead of being in the moment. It was more than that though. While I was in front of this screen, my wheels were turning fast, like 9-tabs-open-at-the-same-time fast. I was in building mode, and I worked on my foundation this Summer.
A sense of dread started to build up inside me toward the end of July, because I knew that the end was near. I worry that I won't be able to take my mind off of what makes me happy; that I will slowly start to drown in a sea of deadlines and meaningless paperwork. I worry that I will be uncovered as one who works the job to pay the bills. Why can't I be...one of those people who just loves their 9-to-5? Did I choose wrong? Is this a test? Will I be able to switch over; to stick my toe into what makes me happy, when all I really want to do is dive in head-first? Pray for me ya'll!