I Suffer From PMS (Not What You Think)

I suffer from PMS... badly. And no, it's not what you think.

Paranoid Mom Syndrome, or PMS.


I'm quite a proud sufferer of it, thank you.

What is PMS? It's a disease that affects some mothers (the good ones, if you ask me) from the moment they find out they are pregnant, and lasts, well, forever. PMS gets worse as the children get older, and can actually affect a mother at any stage of motherhood, if not present during the pregnancy stage.

Here's what to look for to see if you are affected by PMS, and the different stages of PMS depending on the stage of motherhood you are in (and the signs and symptoms vary from mother to mother. These are ones I've found I suffer from, so feel free to add your own below):
Signs and Symptoms of PMS During the Pregnancy Stage:

  • Quitting smoking, drinking, caffeine and anything else that could cause harm to the baby in the womb.
  • Researching every stage of the pregnancy and knowing what stage of development your child is at every step of the way.
  • Outlining the perfect birthing plan with soothing music in the delivery room, no meds, a yoga ball for stretching, natural breathing techniques, possibly a water birth, and no screaming so the child doesn't enter the world in chaos (which, by the way, will never go as planned, for all you soon-to-be moms. Plan all you want, but pure craziness occurs in the birthing room- it's a guarantee.)
  • Listening to classical music because, yes, the baby can hear outside of the womb.
Signs and Symptoms of PMS Once Your Child is Born:
  • If I don't know you, don't even think about wanting to hold my baby, or even stare wrongly at my baby.
  • Reading every parenting book out there.
  • Checking your child's development every month and making sure they are a 'normal' kid.
  • Making baby food, or at least attempting to make baby food until you realize how time consuming it is.
  • Reading every food label before you feed your kid.
  • OMG, my son is coughing, better get him to the doctor NOW!
  • There's no such thing as holding a baby too much.
  • No, you can't watch the baby for me so I can have a night out with the hubby. I can't leave the baby for more than 15 minutes to take a shower, but thank you for offering.
Signs and Symptoms of PMS As Your Child Gets Older:
  • If I can't see you while you play outside, you are too far away from me. Shouting distance is no longer a valid form of distance measurement from the house; it's visual measurement or nothing. And don't even think of going inside anyone's house.
  • It's going to be in the 50s today, so bundle up with a T-shirt, thermal shirt, sweater, long johns, jeans, the wooly socks you got for Christmas, a jacket, gloves, earmuffs and a hat.
  • Who are you and why do you want to be friends with me on Facebook? I have pictures of my kids on Facebook, so, sorry, deny friendship request, because you could be some perv stalker and I have beautiful kids.
  • No, you can't go over to Sally's house for a sleepover. I have never met Sally's parents, nor have I been able to run a full background check on them. Sally can come here, if you'd like.
  • Do you really think you are leaving the house looking like that? Your socks are mismatched, your hair hasn't been brushed, and that skirt you are wearing was for your Halloween costume, not for everyday casual wear. Go change, now!
  • I'm IMDBing the movie we're about to watch to see if there's any nudity, how many times the F bomb is dropped, or if there are parts of bodies getting cut off. If so, then no, kids, you can't watch it, sorry.
  • Packing school lunches because the stuff they serve at school isn't real food, and is it well balanced? Protein? Check. Dairy? Check. Fruits? Check. Low sugar drink? Check. Healthy carb? Check. Low sugar dessert? Check. Good to go!
  • Constant worrying about whether you are screwing your kids up in some way.
  • Parental controls on the computer? Yes, please. And I'm not above putting a keystroke program on this computer so I know exactly what is being googled.
  • D on the latest social studies test? Head to your room now and study. And no TV.
My kids are only 9 and 7 right now, so I have no idea what the signs and symptoms of PMS are when you have older children. Hopefully some moms out there with PMS and older children will comment and let me know what's in store.
Be a mom proud to have PMS. The world isn't what it was when we were kids. There's no more letting your kids run rampant from sun up to sun down during the summer anymore. You can't trust your neighbors to help keep an eye on things for you, nor can you trust that what you deem acceptable in your home is what everyone else holds to be a high standard. The world is full of sickos now, and while my kids hate my PMS, I know that one day they'll appreciate it. 

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Tags: humor, mom, parenting

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