I thought it was jobs fault that I felt stupid. Turns out, it was mine

Resistance is futile. That’s what the Borg said on Star Trek and it turns out they were right. I resist things all the time. I resisted the fact that I didn’t belong in an office, I resisted acknowledging that I was unhappy, I tend to resist genuine offers of help from my friends (I’m working on it) and I resisted the writing of this blog.

If it isn’t abundantly evident, I’ve stopped resisting. I don’t work in an office, I am really happy for the first time in a long time, and I’m writing this blog. I’ve found my voice and am sharing it with others. I am genuinely shocked each time someone compliments a post or seems interested in what I have to say. A few months ago I was afraid to send an email because I felt stupid and incompetent. And please know that it was my fault. I allowed myself to feel that way because of what was going on in my head – sometimes its easier to admit defeat than to look your insecurities in the eye and deal with them.

In putting myself out there, a few interesting things have happened. I’ve been reminded that I’m a bit of a dynamo when I put my mind to it. Opportunities are arising and I’m taking them. I’m working with Kitchensurfing and to augment our income, I’ve become an Independent Stylist for Winnie and Kat clothing. I’ve met some great people and there are plenty of interesting things on the horizon. The scariest part? I’m starting to wonder if there is even more in store for me than I’d originally hoped. What? No idea. But there is a feeling that I can’t shake – like I’m on the precipice of something big. And of course, that scares the bejeezus out of me! I don’t want to mess this up by committing to the wrong thing to quickly. Maybe that’s normal but I am freaking out but in a mostly good way.

I want to end this post with a message to those who mean the most to me. I know that I have a hard time accepting help but it’s not because of you. It’s just that I’m afraid. When you say, “Maybe you should try this” or “So and so did that” I hear, “Hey idiot, you should do it this way”. Please know that I am working on it. I know you love me but please understand that this is part of my journey. Some of you knew but most didn’t know how emotionally fragile and messed up I was and although I’m trying, I can’t undo that overnight. With all that said, thanks for sticking by me. I am so fortunate to have you in my corner and by feeling better about me, I’ll be a better me to all of you.

Lurve (for Patti)

P.S. Yes, I am a Science Fiction nerd. I love Jean Luc Picard, the Oakland Raiders, wine tasting, Fine Art museums and coming up with new recipes. A conundrum – don’t even try to figure me out. :)

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