I'm bummed that our adoption blog is no longer online (the host closed) but I'm happy that I have it backed up on disk. So here's a "blast from the past" in honor of Mother's Day. The post I wrote while we were waiting to travel to meet Hannah.
I wish I could tell her
May 3, 2010
There's someone who's been on my mind and in my heart for the past week or so. Ever since Hannah's birthday, actually. Her mother.
Although I don't KNOW anything about her, that doesn't stop me from wondering. Wondering if she would have kept Hannah if she'd been born looking like other babies. Or if Hannah was destined to be abandoned simply because of her gender. Or if her mama couldn't have possibly kept ANY baby in her current circumstances. Was she very young? Or was Hannah a second child in a family who couldn't afford one?
I wonder if she protested and sobbed as her husband or mother in law wrapped Hannah up and took her away. I wonder if she, herself, was the one who left Hannah and watched to see if someone would find her and turn her in.
I wonder if this April 26th was a painful day for her, too.
I wonder if she's gone on to give birth to a healthy son, or if she's too afraid to go through such a difficult experience again. Or worse, does Hannah have a birth sibling in another crib in another orphanage?
I wish I could tell her. I wish I could let her know that Hannah is alive and that she's going to have a family. That we're going to take good care of her. That she'll get the medical care and adaptive equipment her first family may not have had access to.
I wish I could whisper that it's okay for both of us to love her and for Hannah to love us both back. If only she knew, that she'll be on my mind every year, between Hannah's birthday and Mother's Day especially, as I learn to navigate the uncertain waters of explaining Hannah's adoption to her as she gets older and is able to understand more and ask hard questions. I wish I could convey to her that I will speak of her with respect to Hannah and that with the rapidly changing technology and sociological climate of China, if the two of them wish to find each other 2 decades from now, I will support that reunion.
When we first thought of adopting, the idea of international adoption seemed attractive because there was no possibility of birth parent involvement. How silly of me. Hannah brings with her the shadows of her birth parents, and they will be present whether we ever meet them or not. I pray that God will help me find the right words to say to Hannah when we have the tough conversations. And I pray that He will comfort Hannah's first mama when she thinks of her baby girl and wonders what happened to her.