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I feel as if I’m losing control. My moods are unpredictable. Mostly I’m in a decent mood, even happy. But sometimes, for no good reason, I get irritated. This is not a new experience; I’ve been getting these mood swings since approx jan 08. Through my multiple misdiagnoses I’ve learned it could be caused by many things. But the reality is that regardless of what’s causing it, I feel like sometimes I’ve mouthed off or stomped around before I could think how to react. To be sure, I have had this problem since I was a girl but somehow this is DIFFERENT.

Today I lost it in the car. Driving the boy home from his job and I told the kids not to say a certain word that it was on my list of words not to say. The word is not important; it’s the idea that I need them to follow my rules. So they don’t; of course, because they’re kids (one is almost a man). So I pull over. They think I’m joking and the first time I am. So they continue to push me. And guess what? They hit the right nerve and I snap. I pull over into an old parking lot and tell them to get out. She does. He won’t. So I get out. Then he gets out. I tell him that he doesn’t tell me what he is or isn’t going to do. See that what REALLY irks me: I’m paying the bills and you’re gonna tell ME what you’re gonna do? Nope, uh uh, not gonna happen.

After some chewing out we go home. I’m so mad. I’m so mad at myself for losing it so quickly. And I’m scared. What if this is just the beginning? I have my endocrinologist appointment this week and I’m counting, COUNTING on this to be the right appointment. If this doc doesn’t find what’s wrong with me I’m going to be crushed. Utterly. I cannot keep existing like this: up, down, sideways, happy, sad, irritable, confused, lost, forgetful, etc. I need to feel better, soon.

In the meantime, at least I’m still eating well. Go figure?

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