Look at that lot.

Not a one that's gonna cut it. 

How the Hell do I take my daughter for her first swimming session dressed in a shoelace? 

Once upon a time, I clearly thought these patches of fabric were a good idea. They must, upon purchase, have seemingly looked good. And perhaps at a push, if I cast my mind back about five years, I can remember my body looking okay in them in a 'I didn't mentally scar anyone for life' sort of a way. 

Trying one on yesterday (for old times sake/because I was kidding myself), it was blatantly bloody obvious that the ravages of pregnancy have not left me rivalling for the cover of Sports Illustrated. I could make page three of the St Helens Reporter, but only because these bikinis are a greener choice (i.e. when I throw them out, they will take up less space in the bin, so technically I would be supporting the council's drive for a less regular bin collection).

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