Know the great thing about getting older? No? Well, me neither! There's certainly not a whole lot that I find entertaining about the wrinkles, the aches and pains, the eye baggage, the gray hairs, the sleeplessness, and worst of all, the damn hot flashes! Seriously, is this the kind of thanks we get for shooting the future of America out of our uterus way back when??!!
So I don't know about you, but I swear that the closer I get to turning the big FOUR-OH the more things seem to be going downhill. Just two short years ago, I KNOW I had way more energy and way less hike-ups in my get-along. And now? I couldn't sneak out of the house even if I tried to -- my snaps, crackles and pops would surely give me away. How the hell did I turn into a Golden Girl in just a few measly decades?!
You may be thinking that I'm a wee bit on the early side for all the crap that comes with the nasty M" word (uh, that would be "MENOPAUSE" for all you brain farts out there). But a former out-of-body experience eight years ago made me a prime candidate for all the fun to begin a little sooner than most. Yay me!
And while some of the changes have been subtle, others have been more like a friggin' punch in the face. Among all the little hiccups of aging, however, the intermittent sweats are by far the ones that have totally come to kick my ass. Honestly, there is nothing more annoying than waking up in a pool of your own perspiration at 4 AM -- oh, except maybe having sweat roll down your legs as you're trying to enjoy a girls' night out with your friends. I kid you not, I've had to blot myself down with a cloth napkin right there in the middle of a restaurant on more than one occasion. That very scenario HAS to be where the term "hot mess" originated. I'm so "sure", in fact, that I'd raise my hand, but I don't think you'd really wanna smell me. (Deodorant anyone?)
So, even more of THIS is apparently what I have to look forward to, eh? What ever happened to growing old gracefully? I'm sorry, but there's not really anything graceful about giving yourself a sitz bath in the middle of The Cheesecake Factory. I really really wanna rock out my forties, but I guess I'll have to arm myself with a clip-on fan and a spray bottle to make that happen.